


Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

by Cheriluvs10



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-09-12
Packaged: 2018-02-12 01:59:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 62,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2091576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheriluvs10/pseuds/Cheriluvs10
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>10/Rose with Martha and Donna. Life with the Doctor and his three lovely companions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

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[Tenth Doctor](http://www.whofic.com/categories.php?catid=15)  
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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45609) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45609)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=1) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter One  
  
Rose lay on her bed. It was one of those rare moments of peace and she and her friends, Martha and Donna, had decided to spend the afternoon relaxing while the Doctor put in some upgrades to the TARDIS. Rose lay under her pink comforter, door closed, and everything off, while she read her book.  
  
She was so engrossed in it that it took her awhile to notice that there was a bell ringing in the corridor outside her door. She put her book down and listened.  
  
“Sweets!” she heard the Doctor yell. “I have boiled sweets, licorice, white mice, Venusian Farfol snacks and many more, come and buy sweets off my trolley!”  
  
Rose was shocked. The Doctor was peddling sweets down the corridors? She knew there were times when he would get bored, but bored enough to sell candy to them?  
  
Leaping from the bed, she ran to the door, flung it open, and raced out. She noticed that Donna and Martha had come out and all of them were standing there, staring at the Doctor who was standing several feet away from them, empty-handed, with a perplexed look on his face.  
  
“Are we having a fire drill?” he asked them.  
  
“Where’s the trolley?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor blinked.  
  
“What trolley?”  
  
The sweet trolley. I heard you pushing a trolley down the hall and yelling that you were selling sweets.”  
  
“I heard it too,” Martha said.  
  
“So did I,” Donna agreed.  
  
The Doctor stared at them.  
  
“I’m sorry, you…heard me pushing a trolley and selling sweets to you?” he said.  
  
“Yes, you were saying you had boiled sweets, and white mice, and licorice, and some kind of Venusian snack stuff.”  
  
The Doctor looked at Martha and Donna. They nodded.  
  
“Um, I was just walking down the hall because I was headed towards the loo. I don’t own a sweets trolley, and I certainly wouldn’t try to sell my own companions any. I don’t know what you heard, but it wasn’t me. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to drain the lizard, as they say.  
  
He went past them. The women watched while he went down the corridor and turned the corner. They looked at each other.  
  
“You heard it, yeah?” Rose said.  
  
“Yeah, I heard it through the door, plain as day,” Donna said.  
  
“I heard it and I had my TV turned up,” Martha said.  
  
“Well, where did he put the trolley then?” Rose said. “I mean, we’re the only rooms down this hallway, so he must have been able to hide it quickly before we got out here.”  
  
“Eh, I’m sure the TARDIS hid it for him,” Donna said, “ship always helps him like that, and he’d never admit it anyway.”  
  
“Yeah,” Rose said, nodding. “Ah well, it’s probably some idiotic prank of his. I’m going back to bed and read my book.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m going back to my program,” Martha said.  
  
“Nap for me,” Donna said.  
  
Rose went back inside and shut her door. She crawled back into her bed, snuggled under the covers, and started reading.  
  
Twenty minutes later, she heard it again, only this time it was bells, and tinkling music, and a rumbling, like a lorry was being driven down the corridor.  
  
“ICE CREAMS!” the Doctor screamed. “ICE CREAMS. GET YOUR ICE CREAMS AND ICE LOLLYS HEEEEEEEERE!”  
  
“What the hell?” Rose said.  
  
She flung herself out of bed, opened the door and she, Donna, and Martha ran outside. The Doctor was walking back the other way. There was no lorry. No ice creams, just the same confused look he had last time.  
  
“Now what?” he said.  
  
“Alright, mister, where the lorry?” Martha demanded.  
  
The Doctor stared at her.  
  
“Lorry? What lorry?”  
  
“The ice cream lorry you were driving down the hall,” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor’s mouth dropped open. He spread his arms wide.  
  
“Do you see a lorry anywhere around here?”  
  
“No. But you probably hid it the same place you hid the trolley!” Donna said.  
  
“I’m not hiding anything! I just went to and from the loo! That’s it!”  
  
“Then how come we keep hearing you yelling out that you have sweets and ice creams?” Rose said.  
  
“I don’t know, maybe you’re hallucinating it! Stress of running from monsters is getting to all of you. I just know that it wasn’t me. Now excuse me, I want to get back to working on the TARDIS.”  
  
Shaking his head, he walked past them. Rose looked at her friends.  
  
“You two are hearing it, yeah? I’m not hallucinating, right?” Rose said.  
  
“If you’re hallucinating, then so am I,” Donna said.  
  
“Me too.”  
  
“Well, then why do we keep hearing the Doctor selling sweets to us?”  
  
Martha sighed.  
  
“It’s him thinking he’s cute and clever and driving us crazy. You know how he is. I suppose in another few minutes, he’ll be back on a bicycle selling us pots and pans or something.”  
  
“Well, let’s go to the living room then, “Donna said. “ Maybe he won’t bother us and if he does, we’ll be able to see him.”  
  
“Good idea,” Martha said. “Come on, guys, let’s go watch the telly in the living room.”  
  
Rose and Donna nodded. They shut their doors and headed for it.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
They sat together on the sofa watching a chat show while they kept their ears peeled for any bells, whistles, dings, rings, or foghorns. They listened for the Doctor’s voice, but heard nothing. After awhile, they gave up and concentrated on the show.  
  
One hour passed, then two. Donna dozed off while Martha and Rose watched the TV. Then, suddenly, they heard a low, sinister laugh just outside the den door.  
  
“At last,” they heard the Doctor muttering. “I have all three of my companions together in one place, and soon they shall all suffer a slow, painful death!”  
  
Rose and Martha looked at each other. Martha nudged Donna awake.  
  
“Oi! What you think you’re--“  
  
Martha put her hand over Donna’s mouth and put her finger to her lips. Donna’s eyes widened when she heard the Doctor let out an evil laugh.  
  
“Yes,” they heard him mutter. “I will lure them to the console room and when they’re not looking, I will throw open the doors, throw them out into the vortex and watch as they disintegrate in the time winds. All I need to do is think of an excuse to bring them to the console room and then, they will die!”  
  
They heard him let out another sinister laugh and all was quiet again. The three women looked at each other.  
  
“Right, that’s enough! Come on, girls!” Martha said.  
  
The three of them ran to the door. They noticed the Doctor was nowhere to be found, but they didn’t stop. They just kept on running to the console room, eager to give the Time Lord a piece of their minds.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Shake, shake, shake…shake, shake, shake…shake your booty, shake your boooooty!”  
  
The Doctor was lying underneath the console fixing a circuit board while KC and the Sunshine band played in the CD player. His feet moved back and forth in time to the beat while he sang the tune to himself.  
  
“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH, DOCTOR!” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor screamed. He jerked his body up and smacked his head on the underside of the console. Holding his aching head, he looked over as his three companions stomped towards him.  
  
“Oi, think you can say that a little louder? I don’t think the other end of the universe heard you!” he said.  
  
He sighed when the three women bent down and glared at him.  
  
“Now what? Am I going down the halls dressed as an organ grinder trying to sell candy floss to you?” he said.  
  
“That wasn’t funny, Doctor,” Martha said.  
  
“Well, I’m sorry, organ grinder and candy floss was all my aching head could conjure up at the moment.”  
  
“No. The whole, I’m gonna kill all of you bit wasn’t funny, it was sick!” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor’s eyes bugged out.  
  
“I never said any such thing!” he said in a high-pitched voice, “why do you guys keep accusing me of doing and saying things I’d never do?”  
  
“You weren’t by the living room door acting all evil and threatening to throw us out into the vortex?” Donna said.  
  
“No! I went to the loo, came back, and I’ve been lying here fixing the console. I’ve never been anywhere near the living room and I wouldn’t say things like that! I don’t joke about killing my companions. Now, I have no idea what you are hearing or seeing, but I assure you it’s not me. I…”  
  
He trailed off. The three women were confused for a moment and then they realized that the TARDIS was rumbling loudly. The Doctor sat there for a moment, thinking hard, and then he narrowed his eyes. He cleared his throat while he scooted out from under the console and glanced up at the ceiling.  
  
“I don’t suppose you know what’s going on here?” he said.  
  
The TARDIS rumbled loudly as if it were laughing. Then, the three women heard a bell ringing just beyond the back door.  
  
“SWEETS!” they heard the Doctor say. “I HAVE SWEETS FOR SALE. BOILED SWEETS! COME AND GET THEM!”  
  
The three women looked at the Doctor’s mouth. It wasn’t moving.  
  
“I believe my TARDIS is the one you should be blaming,” he said. “She gets bored from time to time, and loves to play practical jokes on the unwary.”  
  
“So, that was the TARDIS doing all that?” Martha said.  
  
“Yup,” the Doctor said, popping the p. “I told you I was innocent.”  
  
“Oh, great,” Donna said, “isn’t bad enough having to put up him ‘em, now we gotta watch out for his ship too!”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Sorry, I can’t control what she does. She’s alive, you know.”  
  
The three women leaned back up. They looked at each other and walked out of the console room. The Doctor watched them go and looked up at his ship with a wry grin.  
  
“Good one, old girl, but next time let me in on the joke, eh?”  
  
Sighing contentedly, he lay back down under the console and went back to his repairs.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
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	2. Chapter 2

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[Tenth Doctor](http://www.whofic.com/categories.php?catid=15)  
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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45651) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45651)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=2) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Two  
  
(Wyoming, July 26, 1846…)  
  
The Doctor stepped out of the TARDIS and looked out across the grassy plains of Wyoming.  
  
“Beautiful, just beautiful!” he said to himself.  
  
He frowned when he noticed no one else was coming outside. He stuck his head back in.  
  
“Oi! Get out here! You’re letting all the flies in!” he said.  
  
He stepped back and three very sullen women dressed in long gingham dresses and bonnets stepped out of the TARDIS.  
  
“That’s better,” the Doctor said, closing the door.  
  
Donna looked down at her blue gingham dress and looked at the Doctor.  
  
“Excuse me, but why is it we have to dress up like Little House on the Prairie and you get to wear your suit?” she said.  
  
“Because women don’t wear the kinds of clothes you like to wear at this point in history.”  
  
“We’re out in the middle of bleedin’ nowhere!” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor sighed and rolled his eyes.  
  
“Oh, come on, Noble. Just play along for a change, will ya?” he said.  
  
Rose looked at her.  
  
“It’s no use, Donna. He’s the Doctor and what he says goes.”  
  
She gasped when the Doctor planted a big wet one on her cheek.  
  
“Hurrah, someone gets it!” he said.  
  
He patted Rose’s head. Ignoring the dirty looks his companions were giving him, he turned and surveyed the landscape.  
  
“Now, I suggest we go in that direction,” he said, pointing off to his right. “Perhaps, just over the hill, we might see a herd of buffalo.”  
  
He paused and turned to his companions with a big grin on his face.  
  
“That is such a brilliant word. Buffalo. Love the way it rolls off the tongue. It’s so fun to say! Buffalo. Buffalo. Buuuuuuuuuffaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaloooooooooooooo!”  
  
He giggled, amused with himself. The women, who were anything but amused, stared at him waiting for him to get over himself so they could go.  
  
“This way!” he said, after he finally sobered up.  
  
He took off at full speed, leaving his companions in his wake. They tried to keep up with him while he sprinted towards the hill. He reached the top of it, looked down, spun around, and ran back down.  
  
“Never mind, we’ll go the other way,” he said.  
  
The three women looked at each other.  
  
“Why? What’s wrong?” Martha said.  
  
“Nothing, nothing at all,” the Doctor said.  
  
“Then…why do you want us to go the other way, all of a sudden?” Rose said.  
  
“Um…just changed my mind. I do that from time to time. Well, come on!”  
  
“Wait, what did you see?” Donna said.  
  
“Nothing, it’s not important. Well, I’m sure if we go this way, we’ll…”  
  
“Wait, I wanna see what you saw,” Martha said.  
  
“Martha…”  
  
“Yeah, I do too.”  
  
“Rose…”  
  
“Come on, girls; let’s go see what the Doctor’s so scared of.”  
  
“I’m not scared of anything, Donna, it’s just that…”  
  
He trailed off when the three women ignored him and headed towards the hill. Muttering under his breath about how no one ever listened to him, he folded his arms over his chest and tapped his foot while he waited for them to come back.  
  
The three women climbed up the hill. Reaching the top, they looked down the other side and felt as if they were going to puke. Sprawled out at the bottom of the hill was a decomposing, maggot-infested, scalping victim. They stared at it for a moment and then hurried back down the hill.  
  
“Satisfied?” the Doctor said.  
  
“Yeah, I think we’ll go the other way,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
“Yup, you guys are definitely descended from apes because it’s monkey see, monkey do with you lot,” he said.  
  
“Well, gee,” Donna said. “I guess since we did the same thing you did, that means you’re a monkey too, eh?”  
  
The Doctor realized that he had just walked into that. He looked at his companions who had smug looks on their faces. His gears worked overtime trying to think up a snappy comeback to Donna’s snide remark. Finally, he thought of one.  
  
“I know you are, but what am I?” he said.  
  
He gave them a haughty look, pleased that he had thought up such a brilliant comeback. Without another word, he turned and walked away while the three women looked at one another and rolled their eyes.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
After about twenty minutes, they reached another hill. Reaching the top first, the Doctor froze. An enormous grin spread over his face and he let out a delighted yell. His companions who were struggling to get up the hill in their clunky Doc Martins wondered what he was so happy about until they heard him squeal…  
  
“BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”  
  
They paused and watched, as he jumped up and down and squeed with joy. Martha looked at the other two women.  
  
“You know, I have a theory about his kind. I think the older they get, the more immature they get.”  
  
“Guys! Come up here and see the cute buuuuuuuuuuuuuuffaaaaaaaaaaaaaalooooooooooo!”  
  
Rose raised her eyebrow.  
  
“I think you’re right,” she said to Martha.  
  
They hurried up the hill. Once they reached the top, they stood beside the Doctor who was staring at an enormous buffalo herd grazing in the distance.  
  
“Oh, aren’t they gorgeous?” the Doctor said.  
  
The three women couldn’t help but be infected by his enthusiasm, and they broke into smiles along with him.  
  
“Wow,” Rose said. “I’ve only seen pictures of them in books, and here’s a whole heap of em.”  
  
“Yup, you have to admit these are the kinds of moments that make traveling with the Doctor worthwhile,” Martha whispered.  
  
They nodded.  
  
“Mooooooooooooooooooooo!”  
  
They frowned and slowly turned their heads to look at the Doctor. He had one hand to the side of his face.  
  
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo!” he said, in a deep voice.  
  
The three women glanced at each other and giggled softly.  
  
“Trying to speak their language, Doctor?” Martha said.  
  
“Yeah, I thought the TARDIS would translate for ya,” Rose said.  
  
“TARDIS probably heard that and won’t translate because he just said something vulgar,” Donna whispered.  
  
They snickered.  
  
“Moooooooooooooooooooooooo!” the Doctor said, ignoring them.  
  
The three companions stood and waited for a buffalo to answer back to the Doctor. But, they just kept on grazing.  
  
“Mooooooooooooooooooooooooo, damn it!” the Doctor said.  
  
The three women bent over laughing at that.  
  
“Doctor, surely you don’t think the buffalo are down there thinking there’s another buffalo up on the hill calling to them,” Rose said.  
  
“I just want one to come to me.”  
  
Donna rolled her eyes. She walked over to a tall patch of grass, grabbed a handful, walked back to the Doctor, and shoved it in his hands.  
  
“I think you’ll find they’ll respond to this better than to your pathetic mooing,” she said.  
  
The Doctor glared at her as Rose and Martha laughed.  
  
“Excuse me, my mooing was spot on, Noble. I am a master at mimicry.”  
  
He looked down at the grass in his hand.  
  
“But since you seem to think this’ll work, I’ll reluctantly try your method.”  
  
He held the grass out in front of him and waved it about while he continued mooing at the herd. His eyes widened when an enormous bull stopped and stared at him.  
  
“Mooooo! Mooooo!” he said, waving the grass around.  
  
“Uh, Doctor, I’m pretty sure that’s a male,” Martha said. “You sure you want to bring that up here?”  
  
“Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing,” the Doctor said, waving a hand dismissively.  
  
He pumped his fist in the air when the bull slowly walked up the hill towards them. His three companions backed up, wondering if it was a good idea to be near a huge bull bison, but the bull merely wandered over to the Doctor and quietly ate the grass from his hand.  
  
“Oh, you are beautiful. You are gorgeous!” the Doctor said.  
  
He smiled at his companions while he stroked the hair on his hump.  
  
“Isn’t Arthur magnificent?” he said.  
  
“Uh…yeah, Doctor, Arthur’s…wonderful,” Rose said hesitantly, staring at its horns.  
  
He finished feeding the grass to Arthur and quickly pulled up some more. The three women glanced at the herd, but none of the others seemed to take notice of them and they relaxed.  
  
“You are so cute, yes, you are,” the Doctor cooed, while he stroked Arthur’s hair, “you hungry, fella? I guess you are, aren’t you? You are such a beauty!”  
  
Rose looked at her friends and then took a tentative step towards Arthur. Reaching his side, she laid her hand on his hump and began to stroke him along with the Doctor. She smiled when she felt how soft his hair was. She looked back at Donna and Martha.  
  
“Feel this. It’s so soft,” she said.  
  
Donna and Martha looked at each other and slowly came up beside her. They laid hands on the hump and smiled while they stroked him. The Doctor peered over at them and smiled when he noticed the enchanted looks on their faces. He looked over and noticed a patch of tall grass nearby. He walked over to it and Arthur followed him. The Doctor bent over to pull the grass up and gasped when Arthur started sniffing around in his jacket pocket.  
  
“Oi, you little scamp, get outta there!” he said. “There’s nothing in there for you!”  
  
He gasped when Arthur pulled the banana out of his pocket and began to munch on it.  
  
“Hey! That was my snack, you furry thief!” the Doctor said.  
  
“What’s wrong, Doctor,” Martha said, “don’t wanna share your food with your new friend?”  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes when they laughed. He looked down at Arthur who was munching on the remains of the banana.  
  
“Well, fine, if you are going to be rude, I suppose this is farewell then,” he said, “enjoy your ill-gotten gain. Come along, girls, time we moved on.”  
  
“Aw, come on, Doctor, don’t be angry,” Martha said. “All he wanted was a bleedin’ banana. It isn’t the end of the world.”  
  
The Doctor sniffed.  
  
“I will feed him grass, but I draw the line at bananas. Besides, we need to get going before the sun sets. So, come on.”  
  
The women looked at each other, shrugged, and followed him down the hill.  
  
While the Doctor walked back towards the TARDIS, he became aware that his companions were sniggering and giggling. He turned his head and his eyes widened when he noticed Arthur was following behind them, like a little lost puppy.  
  
“Oi, go back to your herd!” he said, as the three girls roared with laughter. “You’re not about to come back to the TARDIS and nick more bananas off me, clear off!”  
  
He started to run towards him. The three women backed up when Arthur snorted and pawed the ground.  
  
“Okay, maybe yelling and running at him isn’t the wisest thing to do,” the Doctor said, freezing in his tracks, “um…maybe if we just keep walking, he’ll get bored and go back. Come on, guys, ignore him.”  
  
They walked. The three women looked back every few minutes and noticed that Arthur was following right behind them. Rose looked at them.  
  
“I guess when the Doctor makes a friend, it’s for life,” she said.  
  
“Well, just as long as it doesn’t stick its horns up our bums, I’ll put up with his new friend,” Donna said.  
  
They heard someone yelling in the distance and the sound of hoof beats. All of them stopped and watched, fascinated, as a wagon train came up a hill and headed towards them. The Doctor waved at the lead driver who gave them a confused look.  
  
“Whoa!” the man said, pulling on his reins.  
  
The covered wagon he was driving came to a stop directly beside the Doctor and his companions. The Doctor looked back and counted at least five other wagons who had stopped behind him. He looked up at the man who was shifting around on his buckboard so he could get a good look at them. He looked like he was in his early thirties with chiseled features, brown hair, and a full beard. His gaze went from the Doctor to his companions.  
  
“Ya’ll in trouble?” he said.  
  
“Um, no,” the Doctor said, “our…wagon is nearby. We’re just doing a bit of sightseeing. I’m the Doctor…”  
  
He paused when a mischievous thought formed in his brain. He put his arm around Rose.  
  
“This is my wife, Rose, and my daughters, Martha and Donna.”  
  
He bit his lip holding back his laughter when he noticed the man staring at him, then at Rose, then at Donna and then finally his gaze settled on Martha and he gave her a big, long, shocked look. Ignoring the daggers in his companion’s eyes, the Doctor cleared his throat.  
  
“Um, Rose is my third wife. My first wife had Donna and Martha was by my second. I met Rose when she came to my town to be the plucky new schoolmarm.”  
  
He stifled his laughter. Now the man was looking at his youthful face and looking at how old Martha and Donna were.  
  
“I married my first wife very young,” the Doctor said. “My family members tended to die young so they just decided to hurry up and marry me off before I kicked the bucket. Odd thing was, I outlived them all. So, anyway, where are you pioneers headed to?”  
  
The man recovered from his shock.  
  
“Um…California.”  
  
“Well, good for you! Pioneer spirit, gotta love it! Well, good luck to you and your friends, mister…”  
  
“Donner. George Donner.”  
  
The Doctor fell silent.  
  
“Donner, is it?” he said. “You’re not heading for the Sierra Nevada Mountains, are you?”  
  
George was taken aback.  
  
“Why, yes we are. We’re following the California Trail. Quickest route. You guys heading out there? Perhaps you can join up with us…”  
  
“NO!”  
  
George jerked his head back when the Doctor shouted at him. The Doctor quickly recovered.  
  
“I mean, no thanks. We’re headed back east. Back to New York. We hate the west. Too much open space and fresh air. We’re just a bunch of city slickers, I guess. But, thanks for the offer.”  
  
George shrugged.  
  
“Suit yourself.”  
  
He paused.  
  
“By the way, you folks realize you got a buffalo behind you?”  
  
“Yes, that’s my pet, Buffy. Buffy the buffalo. They actually make good pets. Extremely intelligent and far more loyal than dogs. Wouldn’t know what we’d do way out here in Indian country without Buffy guarding our very lives.”  
  
George gave him a long, hard stare.  
  
“Um, yeah. Listen, maybe ya’ll are right about getting back to the city. I think the sun is frying your brains.”  
  
“Probably is, yeah,” the Doctor said.  
  
He sighed.  
  
“Well, we better let you get on with your…um…journey. Just…take a little bit of advice from me. Before heading into the Sierra Nevada Mountains, stock up on plenty of food…or better yet, don’t go into the mountains at all. Take the scenic route to California and enjoy yourselves. You’ll be glad you did.”  
  
George gave him an odd look.  
  
“Yeah, um, don’t quite know if I should take the advice of a man who keeps a buffalo for a pet and marries at five years old, but we’ll stock up on provisions before heading into the pass.”  
  
“Trust me, you won’t regret it.”  
  
“Yeah…” George muttered. “Anyway, you folks have a great afternoon.”  
  
“You too,” the Doctor said.  
  
George shifted back around on the buckboard, gave out a, “YEAH!” as he snapped the reins and the wagon train was off. The four friends stood there and waved at all of them. Then, when they had passed by, they headed off towards the TARDIS.  
  
“Um, Doctor,” Rose said, “Donner…as in…”  
  
“Donner party that get stuck up in the mountains and end up resorting to cannibalism to survive? Yup, that’s the one,” the Doctor said, “why do you think I was telling them not to go through that pass?”  
  
“Think they’ll listen?”  
  
“No, because no one in the universe ever listens to me!”  
  
He turned and looked at Arthur.  
  
“Isn’t that right, Buffy? Told you to bugger off and here you are following us home. Well, sorry, I don’t have room for a buffalo on my ship. I get enough crap from my companions without having literal crap on top of it.”  
  
His eyes widened when he noticed the three women were glaring at him.  
  
“Course when I say crap, I mean that affectionately,” he said.  
  
He shrank from their enraged looks and looked around.  
  
“Oh look, I see the TARDIS!” he said, making a beeline towards it.  
  
“You know, I’m beginning to think the Doctor should join that dead body,” Donna said.  
  
“Think we should go flag down the Donner party and offer him as an appetizer?” Martha said.  
  
“No, I think we should just bring “Arthur” on board with us since he seems to be so fond of him,” Rose said.  
  
“Hey, Holly Hobbie 1, 2, and 3, come on! I wanna get going!” the Doctor screamed while he stood in the TARDIS doors.  
  
The three women looked at each other and grinned.  
  
“Come along, Arthur,” Rose said, looking behind her, “you’re just gonna love all the yummy items he’s got on the console.”  
  
Giggling, the three of them walked towards the TARDIS with Arthur in tow.  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
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	3. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45761) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=45761)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=3) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   


Author's Notes:

WARNING: This chapter contains spoilers for Torchwoods Exit Wounds.  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Three  
  
Donna, Martha, and Rose were excited. Finally, after a fortnight, they had finished preparations for the Doctor’s birthday party.  
  
It had all started out innocently enough. Donna’s birthday came up and to celebrate, the Doctor, with help from the TARDIS, threw her a huge party. That led to Rose wondering when the Doctor’s birthday was, to which the Doctor merely shrugged and gave her a non-committal grunt. He then changed the subject, but that didn’t dampen Rose’s curiosity. When no one was looking, she had asked the TARDIS about it, but not even the TARDIS knew, since he had never celebrated his birthday. That led to a discussion between Rose and her friends and it was decided that rather than find out the exact date of his birthday, they would just throw him an all-purpose birthday party instead. Partly because to their knowledge, he had never had one and partly to thank him for all the times he had watched over them and saved them from danger. The TARDIS, learning of their plans, offered to help. So, the four conspirators went out and gathered up materials for a surprise party whenever they got the chance. The TARDIS helped them by constructing a few gifts for the Doctor and hiding the rec room, where they had assembled everything, from the Doctor whenever he came too close. Now, they were ready. The three friends stood in the rec room looking at the decorations, the table that was crammed with food, and drinks, and a huge birthday cake, made in the shape of a TARDIS, and the pile of gift wrapped presents stacked around one of the legs.  
  
Martha looked around at the bright and cheery room and frowned. She had a thought and turned to the others.  
  
“You know what? I think Jack oughta be here too. After all, he’s the Doctor’s friend and he deserves to be a part of this.”  
  
“Yeah, you’re right,” Rose said, “except, how are we gonna sneak him in here without the Doctor knowing?”  
  
Leave that to me. The TARDIS thought to them.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor stood at the console, humming while he looked through his database and tried to figure out some possible destinations to take his girls. As he looked through the possible choices, he felt his mind become foggy and his eyes become heavy. He blinked and yawned.  
  
“Blimey, all of a sudden I feel knackered,” he said.  
  
Ignoring the sleepiness, he continued with his search, but slowly his eyelids started to droop and it became harder and harder to concentrate on what he was doing. He shook his head, trying to jar himself awake, but it was no use. His eyelids felt like they had lead weights on them and he found himself looking behind him at the comfy captain’s chair.  
  
“Well, maybe a quick nap won’t hurt,” he said.  
  
Yawning, he walked over, lay down, stretched out, and fell asleep.  
  
The TARDIS, having dealt with the Doctor, stoked the back of his mind. She turned her attention from the slumbering Time Lord to the console and set the coordinates for the Hub.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Okay, guys, I think we’ve got a definite lock on that new nest of Weevils,” Jack said, walking up to Ianto and Gwen.  
  
He let out a sad sigh.  
  
“Course, it wasn’t easy to do. Tosh was always better at…”  
  
He trailed off and got a faraway look in his eyes while Ianto and Gwen glanced at each other. Jack shook himself out of his reverie and smiled at them.  
  
“Still, I managed to do it,” he said, “and I think if we move out tonight when they are asleep, we can tranquilize and…”  
  
He trailed off when he heard the familiar wheezing sound. He and his team looked around, half expecting to see the TARDIS materializing in the corner of the room as usual. Instead, they were shocked when the TARDIS materialized around them. The interior of the TARDIS came into view and Jack saw Rose, Martha, and Donna standing there, with shocked looks on their faces. The TARDIS finished materializing and Jack, Gwen, and Ianto looked around.  
  
“Rose? Martha, Donna. What’s going on?” he said. “Why are we in here? Is something wrong with the Doctor?”  
  
Rose glanced at her friends and stepped forward.  
  
“Nothing’s wrong, Jack. It’s just that…”  
  
She gestured all around her. Jack looked up and his eyes widened when he read, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DOCTOR, on a huge banner strung across the room. He looked at her.  
  
“It’s the Doctor’s birthday?” he said.  
  
“Well, um…not exactly. I mean, we don’t really know when his real birthday is and he won’t say, so…we’re giving him one,” Rose said.  
  
Jack smiled.  
  
“And you wanted us to come and celebrate with you?”  
  
Rose looked at Ianto and Gwen.  
  
“Well, um…to be honest, we were thinking only of you, but I guess when the TARDIS came down on top of you, it got Gwen and Ianto, as well.”  
  
Jack looked over at them.  
  
“Eh, they can help us celebrate too. I mean, they do know the Doctor now.”  
  
“Yes, but Jack, what about the Weevil nest?” Gwen said.  
  
“We’re in a time machine,” Jack said. “The TARDIS can take us back to the exact moment she got us. Besides, we kinda do need a break, especially considering what’s…happened recently.”  
  
He noticed the confused looks on the women’s faces. He gave them a sad smile.  
  
“Tell ya guys later,” he said. “I don’t wanna ruin the mood.”  
  
He changed the subject.  
  
“So, where’s the Doctor? Do we go get him, or…”  
  
“Well, we were hoping this would be a surprise, so…we have to figure out a way to lure him back here without making him suspicious.”  
  
“Oh, well, I guess that lets us out then,” Jack said.  
  
“You can’t just ask him to come back here?” Ianto said.  
  
The three women looked at each other.  
  
“Well,” Rose said. “See, once the Doctor starts doing something in the console room, he doesn’t like to leave without a good reason. So whatever it is, it’ll have to be monumental to get his attention.”  
  
“Tell him there’s a fire back here,” Gwen said.  
  
“Or an alien got on board, “Ianto said.  
  
Martha thought for a moment and smiled.  
  
“I think I got something, guys. Something that’ll really get his attention!” she said.  
  
They looked at her, waiting for her to continue. Martha looked at Rose.  
  
“I think we can use my past crush on the Doctor and the jealousy I felt to our advantage,” she said, “and if the TARDIS will pull another ventriloquism act like it did before, we won’t have to leave the room.”  
  
“What do you have in mind?” Rose said.  
  
“Well, I was thinking that the TARDIS could say…”  
  
As she explained her plan, everyone began to giggle hysterically.  
  
“Oh, Miss Jones, that is pure evil,” Jack said, when she finished. “But, I love it.”  
  
“I love it too; it’s just the thing to get back at him for all the times he pulled his little practical jokes!” Rose said. “Do it, Martha, I dare ya!”  
  
Martha looked up at the ceiling.  
  
“Did you hear everything I said, TARDIS?” she said.  
  
The TARDIS rumbled. Martha looked at everyone.  
  
“Then, do it. Bring the Doctor back here to us,” she said, glancing back up.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor’s eyes fluttered open when he felt something poking at the back of his mind. He smacked his dry lips together and opened his eyes wide.  
  
“Ah, I feel better already,” he said. “I guess sometimes a good nap is just the thing to restore the body’s…”  
  
“SCREW YOU, TYLER!”  
  
The Doctor jerked his head up when he heard Martha scream. He grabbed the back of the captain’s chair and shot up, looking around.  
  
“YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT, JONES!” he heard Rose say.  
  
“Oh, am I?” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor stared at the back door, confused. He could hear both of them arguing just beyond it.  
  
“Wha?” he said.  
  
“I’m sick and tired of you flaunting your relationship with the Doctor in front of my face!” Martha said.  
  
“What’s wrong, Martha? Jealous?”  
  
“No, I just think it’s sad that you think the Doctor still fancies you when he really wants me!”  
  
“Oh no, oh, please, no. Not this,” the Doctor said.  
  
He heard Rose snort.  
  
“You’re dreaming, Jones. The Doctor never wanted you. He’s always loved me! You were just a warm body until I came back!”  
  
The Doctor flinched when he heard a slap.  
  
“How dare you!” he heard Rose say. “How dare you slap me! That is it! You and me, Jones, in the rec room, so we can settle this once and for all!”  
  
“Fine by me!” Martha said. “I’m just dying to rake my fingernails into that pretty face of yours! Then we’ll see if the Doctor still fancies you afterwards!”  
  
The Doctor was on his feet. Gritting his teeth, he started back towards the door, wanting to break up the fight before both women did something they regretted.  
  
“Fine! Follow me! We’ll go to the rec room and have it out, once and for all!”  
  
“Fine!”  
  
There was a pause.  
  
“One problem though,” the Doctor heard Martha say, “I just brought this outfit and the last thing I wanna do is get your blood all over it.”  
  
“Same here. So, here’s what we’ll do, Martha. We’ll fight in the nude. That way, we won’t mess up our clothes!”  
  
The Doctor’s eyes bulged.  
  
“Fine! I agree to that. So, come on, Tyler. You and me, naked catfight in the rec room, right now!”  
  
“Bring it on, Jones!”  
  
The Doctor was gobsmacked.  
  
“Naked catfight?” he said, “what the hell?”  
  
With equal parts alarm and titillation, the Doctor ran out of the console room and made his way back to the rec room.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Martha and Rose bent over laughing. The TARDIS had let them hear what she had said and they were barely able to get their breath.  
  
“Okay, guys, I guess the Doctor’s on his way back, so hide now!” Martha said.  
  
All of them scrambled and hid behind couches and chairs. The TARDIS dimmed the lights and everyone waited.  
  
A few minutes later, the Doctor came into the room.  
  
“All right, you two, that is it! As intriguing the notion of a naked catfight is to me, I will not have disharmony in this TARDIS. You will both cease…”  
  
He stopped when he noticed the rec room was dark. He looked around.  
  
“Martha? Rose?”  
  
For a moment, he wondered if they hadn’t taken the fight someplace else. Then the lights came on and the Doctor was taken aback when he saw the decorations.  
  
“WHAT?” he said, looking around.  
  
“SURPRISE!” everyone said, leaping up.  
  
The Doctor staggered back, flabbergasted. He looked at Martha and Rose and noticed that the two of them were standing side-by-side waving at him. Confused, he glanced over at Jack, Gwen, and Ianto.  
  
“What is going on here?” he said, “what…is all this?”  
  
“We decided to throw you a birthday party,” Rose said.  
  
“But…it’s not my birthday.”  
  
“Well, since you won’t tell us when it is, we decided to pick a day,” Donna said.  
  
He looked at Rose and Martha.  
  
“So…the two of you aren’t going to have a naked catfight?”  
  
They burst out laughing.  
  
“No, that was our way of getting you to come back here,” Martha said.  
  
“Sorry, if you were expecting us to be naked in here,” Rose said.  
  
“Well, how did you guys get back here so fast?”  
  
They pointed up at the ceiling.  
  
“Remember the day the TARDIS pulled that practical joke on all of us?” Rose said. “Well, we decided to put her ability to mimic our voices to a good use.”  
  
The Doctor glared at the ceiling while everyone laughed.  
  
“I suppose you were also the reason I suddenly got sleepy, eh?”  
  
The TARDIS rumbled and nudged his mind.  
  
“What am I gonna do with you?” he said.  
  
He looked over at Jack, Gwen, and Ianto and spread his arms wide while he walked over to them. The three of them returned the hug.  
  
“Oh, Doc, it’s great to see you again,” Jack said.  
  
“Yeah, you too, except the TARDIS seemed to have missed two. If we’re gonna have a party, we’ll have to have the whole gang here, so I could ask her to go back and get…”  
  
He trailed off when he noticed the anguish on their faces.  
  
“What? What’s wrong?” the Doctor said.  
  
Jack sighed.  
  
“Tell ya later, alright? Let’s just say…there’s no need to go back for Tosh and Owen.”  
  
The Doctor’s breath caught in his throat when he guessed the meaning of those words.  
  
“No, oh…no, Jack,” he said, “how?”  
  
Jack looked at Gwen and Ianto.  
  
“I’ll tell you guys later. Right now, let’s just celebrate your birthday and have some fun.”  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor grinned, enjoying himself.  
  
He was sitting at the head of the table with his friends sitting along the sides. The TARDIS had constructed a golden throne for him. He was wearing a little cardboard gold crown that Martha had made. Written around it in big bold letters were the words, KING OF OUR HEARTS. A huge plate sat before him containing a burger, chips, chocolates, ice cream, and part of his cake. It was his second helping of everything. Beside him sat a huge pile of presents that he hadn’t opened yet. He had held off doing so, wanting to make the party last for as long as possible. He glanced over at his girls who were smiling at him and he marveled, for the hundred-gazillonth time, at how clever they all were. Finally, they were done eating and the Doctor moved on to his gifts. Jack muttered an apology that he, Gwen, and Ianto hadn’t brought him anything, but he held up his hand.  
  
“You are here today, that’s all the present I need,” he said.  
  
His smile grew wider and wider with each present he opened. There were rare books from a couple of alien bazaars that they had visited in the past week along with a new microscope. There were handmade signs that the three women had made and the Doctor giggled when he looked at them. Each one had drawn themselves with him and the monsters they had encountered when they had traveled alone with him. They were crudely drawn, but that’s what the Doctor loved about it. Just knowing that the drawings had been made from them and were made from the heart, touched him, and he felt his eyes mist over.  
  
“Thank you,” he said, as he laid them aside.  
  
Finally, one present remained. The Doctor opened it and gasped when an inflatable Dalek sprang up out of the box. He stared at it.  
  
“It’s a stress reliever,” Martha explained. “You ever see those inflatable clowns you can hit? That’s what this is. No matter how hard you hit it, the Dalek will bounce back and you can hit it again.”  
  
The Doctor laughed. He pulled the rest of the Dalek out of the box, took it over to the center of the room, and began to hit it repeatedly. His friends smiled when they saw the joy on his face.  
  
“Where did you find this?” he said.  
  
“TARDIS made it for ya,” Donna said.  
  
He smiled at his ship.  
  
“Great idea, old girl.”  
  
She nudged his mind.  
  
He gave the Dalek two more punches and then walked over to his girls. They stood up along with the members of Torchwood and he pulled the three women into a group hug.  
  
“Thank you so much! This means a lot to me!” he said.  
  
“We’re glad you like it!” Martha said.  
  
The members of Torchwood went around the group and hugged them. They stayed that way for a moment, hugging one another before finally breaking it off.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
A half hour later, there was another group hug in the console room. Jack had just told everyone what had happened to Tosh and Owen.  
  
The Doctor’s hearts broke. He didn’t know Tosh and Owen as well as Jack did, but just the fact that they had died so tragically made him wish that somehow he could have been there to do something. Hearing that Jack’s brother, Gray, was the one who did it seemed unbelievable to him. He had no idea Jack even had a brother, let alone he was a murderer. That, coupled with the fact that Jack had been buried alive for almost 1900 years made his head spin and his hearts ache. The realization that Jack had gotten through all this torment with his sanity intact, boggled his mind, it proved to him just how strong, and resilient his friend was. He hated that Jack had to put his brother in stasis, but he knew it was for his own good, and he hoped that one day he might be able to get through to him and get back the relationship they once had when they were kids. The Doctor hugged the Torchwood team tighter, letting them know there were four people who cared for all of them and would support them no matter what. Reluctantly, they broke off the hug when the TARDIS landed back in the Hub.  
  
“I’ll keep in touch with you guys,” the Doctor said to Jack.  
  
Jack nodded.  
  
“We’ll be fine. We all knew what we were getting into when we joined up,” he said. “They died heroically, which I know is what they both wanted.”  
  
The Doctor nodded.  
  
“All of you be careful, please,” he said. “I’ve lost enough friends in my lifetimes without losing any more.”  
  
“Same here,” Jack said.  
  
They gave each other one more hug. Jack hugged the three women and then with a wave, he stepped towards the door with his team.  
  
“Next time you have another birthday, be sure to come get us,” Jack said. “We need a break every once in awhile from our weevil catching and Cardiff saving duties.”  
  
They nodded. Ianto opened the door. All of them stepped out and Jack winked as he shut it.  
  
The Doctor turned and smiled at his companions.  
  
“Well, I think since you did that for me, I need to do something for you in return. So, you guys get to pick. Where do you want to go?”  
  
The three women glanced at each other.  
  
“You know, I’ve been wanting to go to the beach lately,” Donna said.  
  
Martha nodded.  
  
“That sounds good. A little sun, sand, and surf.”  
  
“Yeah, I agree. I’d like to go to the beach too.”  
  
“Beach, it is. I know just the place. Dedera. The sand there is white with tiny purple crystals mixed in. When the suns shine on it, it’s a sight to behold. Fancy that?”  
  
The three women looked at each other and nodded. The Doctor smiled and slapped his hands together as he walked towards the console.  
  
“Very well, then. Dedera, here we come!”  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	4. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Four  
  
The Doctor was incredibly, incredibly bored.  
  
He and his three companions had just gotten back from spelunking in the purple caves of Rawentoo Clavadar, a lovely excursion that had seen no major mishaps, apart from Rose skinning her left knee when she went through a narrow opening. Other than that minor scrape, there had been no monsters, no cave-ins and no vampire bats flittering about their heads. Just a relaxing holiday.  
  
But, after the thrill of going down and exploring the deep, dark caverns, he was still a little wired and raring for action. Unfortunately, the only action in the console room was the rotor going up and down.  
  
And so, the Doctor sat there on the captain’s chair, full of energy and mischief…a bad combination. Predictably, his thoughts turned to his three companions. Wondering what they were doing, he got up and went to have a look.  
  
He found Rose sitting in the den reading a book. She was wearing a pink shirt, her denim dungaree skirt and a plaster on her knee. The Doctor strolled over to the back of the couch, leaned down and put his head on her shoulder.  
  
“Guess what, Rose?” he said.  
  
Rose turned the page.  
  
“There’s a Dalek parade in the console room,” she said, keeping her eyes on the book.  
  
“Uh, no, but that would be a sight to see,” the Doctor said. “No, I’m bored, Rose. So, I want you to amuse me.”  
  
Without taking her eyes off the book, Rose held up her right hand. She made a bunny head, mimed hopping and then put her hand back down.  
  
“There, consider yourself amused,” she said.  
  
The Doctor eyed her.  
  
“That was not helpful,” he said.  
  
“Well, tough, I’m at a good part in this book, I’m not gonna stop what I’m doing to make you happy. Go bother Donna or Martha.”  
  
She gasped when the Doctor snatched the book from her hands.  
  
“What could you possibly be reading that is far more interesting than me?” he said.  
  
Rose glared at him while he examined the cover.  
  
“Knight Mist,” he muttered, reading the title.  
  
He rolled his eyes when he noticed the buff English knight embracing the buxom dark-haired woman on the cover.  
  
“Let me guess,” he said. “The woman with the breasts as big as her head is imprisoned in a castle by her wicked stepfather and this Fabio reject has to go slay a dragon to save her. After which, there is tons of graphic sex between them. Am I right?”  
  
Rose snatched the book from his hands.  
  
“No,” she said.  
  
She sighed.  
  
“And now you’ve made me lose my place.”  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry, was the runway model slash knight about to quote Shakespeare before he saved mega-breasts from her dark fate?”  
  
“Go.”  
  
“Go where?”  
  
“I don’t care where, just go and leave me in peace. I wanna read my book.”  
  
The Doctor sighed and leaned back up. Sulking, he walked out of the room in search of Donna or Martha.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Ah, bollocks,” Donna said, as the ping pong ball shot past her. “I really suck at this game.”  
  
Martha grinned.  
  
“Not me. I used to play this all the time with Leo and Tish and I beat them almost every time.”  
  
Donna found the ball and walked back to the table.  
  
“You need to go to China and enter their ping-pong tournaments then. I bet you could make a fortune.”  
  
“Nah, I’m not that obsessive about it. I just like to do it for fun.”  
  
Donna started to serve the ball when the Doctor stepped into the room.  
  
“Well, well, if it ain’t tall, weird and skinny,” Donna said, as Martha giggled. “What’s wrong? Everything in the TARDIS fixed or something?”  
  
She noticed the Doctor’s hand was behind his back.  
  
“You better not have a water pistol back there!” she said to him.  
  
He grinned and brought his hand around. Both of them frowned when they saw the Mister Potato Head in his hand. They glanced at each other.  
  
“Wow, the alien genius owns a child’s toy. Why am I not surprised?” Martha said.  
  
“SILENCE!” the Doctor bellowed, as he thrust the toy in her face. “I am General Spud of the Tenth Mister Potato Head Battle Fleet, and I will not be mocked by humans!”  
  
Donna groaned and rolled her eyes while Martha pushed the toy away.  
  
“That’s really cute, Doctor. Now if you don’t mind, Donna and I were playing ping-pong and…”  
  
“YOU WILL KEEP SILENT! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR IN EVERY WAY! WE MISTER POTATO HEAD PEOPLE WILL NOT TOLERATE ANY CHEEK FROM HUMANS! SPUDTAR-HA! SPUDTAR-HA! SPUDTAR-HA!”  
  
Martha and Donna sighed, as the Doctor chanted and bounced the toy up and down on the table.  
  
“I’ll handle this,” Donna said.  
  
“SPUDTAR-HA! SPUDTAR-HA! SPUDTAR-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”  
  
The Doctor screamed when Donna seized a hold of his left ear and began to drag him out of the room.  
  
“I believe you were told to leave us alone,” she said, pulling him out the door.  
  
“OW! DONNA! QUIT IT! YOU’RE GONNA TEAR MY BLEEDIN’ EAR OFF! I’LL LEAVE YOU ALONE, ALRIGHT? LET GO!”  
  
He gasped when Donna let go, spun around and marched back into the rec room. Groaning, he rubbed his aching ear while he headed back towards the console room. On the way, he passed by the den. Pausing, he changed course and stumbled inside.  
  
“Roooooooooooooooose!” he whined, holding his injured ear. “Donna was mean to me! She hurt my little ear; can you please make it all better?”  
  
Rose sighed when he leaned over her shoulder. She turned and looked into his pleading brown eyes.  
  
“Make better, Rose,” he said, amping his usual charm up a zillion notches.  
  
Rose leaned in and kissed his ear gently.  
  
“Oooo, that felt nice. I feel tons better now, Rose. You’re such a nice person. So kind and considerate to me. You don’t smack me around and rip my body parts off my person like certain companions do. That’s why you’re my favorite companion in the whoooooooooooole world.”  
  
“That’s nice, Doctor,” Rose said, patting his head. “I’m glad I could make you feel better.”  
  
“Good. I’m glad you’re glad. And now, why don’t you put down the book and come have some ice cream with me, hmmmm?”  
  
Rose thought that over and decided that ice cream did sound pretty good. Nodding, she put her bookmark in the book, laid it down and walked with him out of the den, soothing his wounded ego and ear with words of love all the way to the kitchen.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	5. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48793) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48793)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=5) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Five  
  
It was another lazy day for Rose, Martha and Donna. They had just prevented a slime monster from kidnapping Eleanor of Aquitaine and carting her off to its home world for scientific experiments. Martha had nearly been devoured by the creature. It had left her shaken and the Doctor decided to take another break in order to let her recover. It had been three days since they had seen any action and Martha was feeling much better. The three of them were in the living room sitting on the couch watching the television when the Doctor strolled in, whistling. He sauntered up to Rose and thrust a flyer in her face. Rose took it and read it.  
  
DO YOU LIKE BANANA SPLITS?   
  
THEN GARBANZO’S IS THE PLACE FOR YOU!  
  
WE HAVE BANANA SPLITS AS BIG AS YOUR BODY!   
  
LIMITED TIME ONLY!  
  
HURRY, HURRY, HURRY!  
  
ALL YOU CAN EAT FOR ONLY FIFTY CREDITS!  
  
GET EM BEFORE THEY’RE GONE.  
  
GARBANZO’S BANANA SPLIT EMPORIUM.  
  
FORTISSIMA, BELZOMIA MINOR, UNICORN GALAXY.  
  
Rose looked up at the Doctor.  
  
“And?” she said.  
  
“And, this is where I want to go. Think of it, Rose. Banana splits as big as your body. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water.”  
  
Martha reached over, plucked the flyer from Rose’s hand and she and Donna read it silently.  
  
“Okay,” Rose said, “so, why aren’t you going there?”  
  
“Weeeeeeeeell, I have a teensy, weensy, eensy, infinitesimal, it’ll clear up in a jiffy problem.”  
  
Rose looked at the other two women. Martha and Donna groaned.  
  
“Why do I suddenly get the feeling this is not going to be good?” Martha said.  
  
“Oh, it’s nothing bad. I just need some money. See, I’m short on credits and I was just going to borrow a credit stick off ya. Sooooo, can you lend me one, Rose?”  
  
“Uh, no.”  
  
The Doctor stared at her.  
  
“Why ever not?”  
  
“Because I don’t have one.”  
  
“Yes, you do. I gave you one.”  
  
“Yeah, and then you took it back after I supposedly went berserk with it at that flea market on Gamma Rosa and brought a bunch of stuff.”  
  
“Oh yeah, I did, didn’t I? Well, you did go berserk.”  
  
“Doctor, I bought a few outfits and a couple of pairs of shoes.”  
  
“Yeah, and I had to carry all of it. The weight of it made my delicate arms ache, not to mention the fact that I, The Oncoming Storm, was forced to endure the embarrassment of carting around women’s apparel in front of other people. I may be many things, Rose, but I am not a butler.”  
  
“Whatever, Doctor, the point is I don’t have a credit stick anymore,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor looked at Martha and Donna.  
  
“You two?”  
  
“Nope,” Martha said.  
  
“Not me,” Donna added.  
  
The Doctor’s face fell.  
  
“But, but, but…banana splits as big as your body,” he said, mournfully, “Where am I gonna get the credits to get one?”  
  
“Here’s an idea. How about you go find the people who make those body builder adverts and offer to be the model for the ninety pound weakling,” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor gave her a look of death, which Donna blissfully ignored. Muttering to himself about how he would find a way to get credits if it killed him, he turned and left the room.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Shortly thereafter, Rose fell asleep on the couch. She was dreaming about the Doctor in the throes of ecstasy as he gobbled down a gargantuan banana split when she suddenly felt something pressing against the sides of her face and her head being tilted upwards. She opened her eyes and saw the Doctor looking down at her with a scrutinizing look.  
  
“Um, what are you doing?” she said to him.  
  
“Assessing you.”  
  
“Assessing me for what?”  
  
“I’m determining how many credits you would fetch me in the slave auction on Quatarius Folsa.”  
  
Rose’s eyes bugged out.  
  
“Excuse me? You better not be thinking what I think you’re thinking.”  
  
“What do you think I’m thinking?” the Doctor countered.  
  
“I’m thinking the thought of eating this sodding banana split has put you over the edge and you’re actually thinking of selling me into slavery.”  
  
“Oh, well, then you are thinking what I’m thinking then.”  
  
He leaned in to her face.  
  
“You have a pimple right in the middle of your forehead, Rose. I’m gonna have to get some astringent and take care of it. Don’t want a blackhead lowering your asking price.”  
  
“Oh, get away from me,” Rose said, leaping up.  
  
“What? I’m hungry for banana splits and you three are just sitting here with nothing to do. Why not sell you into servitude, get some credits and go get me some creamy, banana, whipped cream with cherry on top goodness?”  
  
He looked at his other two companions. They immediately jumped up and stood beside Rose. The Doctor gave them an indignant look.  
  
“Now wait just one moment. I am the one in charge here and I have a right to dispose of my companions as I see fit! You all agreed to assist me when you came on board and that means you must submit to being auctioned off like cattle if I so desire. I will not tolerate insubordination from my underlings.”  
  
He sighed and walked around the sofa towards them.  
  
“Now that that’s cleared up, about that pimple of yours, Tyler…”  
  
“You come any closer to me and I’ll give you a banana split,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor beamed.  
  
“You will?”  
  
“Yeah, I’ll go get a knife and cut your penis off. How’s that for a banana split, mate?”  
  
Martha and Donna giggled when the Doctor glanced down at his crotch.  
  
“Wow, that would be painful alright. Still, it’s a risk I’m willing to take. So, off we go, it’s time to oil you three up so you’ll look good for the auction block.”  
  
He giggled when the three girls readied themselves for a fight. He reached into his pocket and brought out a credit stick.  
  
“Honestly, you three, can’t you take a joke?” he said, amused. “I had a credit stick all along; I was just having you on. I figured after what happened the other day, you guys could use a bit of enjoyment.”  
  
The three women relaxed.  
  
“Well, sometimes, it’s kinda hard to tell when you’re joking and when you’re not,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor started at her.  
  
“You really think I would sell you guys into slavery for a banana split? Blimey, I guess from now on, I’ll have to preface every joke with a, this is a joke, don’t take it seriously disclaimer. Sheesh, you three need to lighten up a bit, seems like. The day I sell my girls into servitude is the day I stop being the defender of the universe.”  
  
He gave them one of his million watt grins.  
  
“But, anyway, I may have been kidding about the slave auction, but I was far from kidding about the banana splits. Sooooooo, how ‘bout it? You three up for banana splits as big as your bodies? My treat.”  
  
The three women looked at each other and grinned.  
  
“Yeah, actually, a banana split sounds good right about now,” Donna said.  
  
“It does,” Martha added. “Except I don’t know if I can handle one as big as my body.”  
  
“Eh, don’t worry, if you don’t finish, the Time Lord waste disposal unit will take care of the rest,” Rose said, hooking her thumb back at the Doctor.  
  
She gasped when the Doctor seized her from behind.  
  
“I’m a what now?” he said, as she giggled. “You know, I could change my mind about the slave auction. Only, I would put you in and bid on you myself and then when I won you, you would be my slave and have to do everything I say.”  
  
“Yeah, and if you do that, then you better hide the knives because I can still carry out my banana split threat.”  
  
The Doctor stared at her intently while Rose snickered.  
  
“My, my, my look at all the pimples, Rose. Remind me to get some astringent after we get done with our banana splits. You represent me, after all, and I don’t want some pockmarked monstrosity being seen in public with yours truly.”  
  
He jerked his head back when Rose tried to grab his hair. Letting go, he stuck his tongue out at them and hauled ass towards the living room door while the three women laughed hysterically and pursued him.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	6. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48864) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48864)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=6) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Six  
  
“Here we are, the pool room,” Rose said, as she opened the door.  
  
She stepped aside and Martha and Donna entered the room. They paused a moment and gaped at the Olympic sized pool with platform diving board and water slide. Next to it was a huge Jacuzzi and beyond that were doors leading to a sauna and steam room. Donna let out a whistle.  
  
“This place never ceases to amaze me,” she said.  
  
“I’ll say, where’s the gym?” Martha added.  
  
“Um, gym is several doors down. It’s very nice too. All the latest equipment. I love going in there for a workout.” Rose said.  
  
“Blimey, the man wasn’t kidding when he said this was his home,” Donna said. “I wonder if he has his own airport?”  
  
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” Rose said, “and his own shipyard and his own motorway and the Eiffel Tower and Mount Rushmore and the pyramids and who knows what else.”  
  
All three of them slipped out of their bathrobes, laid them on some deck chairs and walked over to the pool ladder. Rose tested the water with her big toe. Satisfied with the temperature, she climbed down, letting out a delighted shriek when the cold water hit her skin. The other two women followed and all of them splashed and floated around in the water. Rose lay on her back and floated around. She closed her eyes and gently propelled herself backwards with her hands. She let out a contented sigh. This was one of those rare moments when all seemed right with the world. No monsters, no danger, just pure relaxation.  
  
“WHAT THE BLOODY HELL IS THAT THING?” Donna screamed.  
  
Rose gasped and opened her eyes. She quickly turned over, found her footing on the shallow end of the pool and stood up. She looked over at Donna and Martha who were staring up at the ceiling. She looked up. Her eyes widened when she saw a little silver sphere zooming around above their heads. Rose stared at it, perplexed. She looked at her friends who were looking to her for answers.  
  
“I’ve never seen anything like it before,” she said to them.  
  
“Do you think it’s some creature that managed to get in here?” Martha asked.  
  
“I don’t know, I would think the TARDIS’s scanners would have picked it up, but…”  
  
Rose trailed off when the sphere suddenly dropped down beside her. She stiffened as the ball came closer to her face.  
  
“Ah, there you are!”  
  
Rose was taken aback when she heard the Doctor’s voice coming from a tiny speaker on the side of the sphere.  
  
“Swimming?” she heard the Doctor say.  
  
Rose glanced at her friends and then looked back at the ball.  
  
“Um…yeah, we are,” she said to it.  
  
“Oh, good, I was just checking on all of you,” the Doctor said, cheerfully. “It’s awfully quiet up here in the console room and since I don’t know where you guys went, I sent Herbie to find you.”  
  
“Herbie?” Donna muttered. “The bleedin’ ball is named Herbie?”  
  
“Did…uh…you need us?” Rose asked.  
  
“Oh no, no, no. Just making sure you guys haven’t wandered into any death traps or something. My TARDIS is big and even I don’t know what’s all in here. Don’t want you dying in some remote room where your rotting corpses will stink up my ship. Pays to be cautious, you know.”  
  
“Gee, it’s big of you to keep tabs on us like this,” Rose said, dryly.  
  
“Not at all, just doing my duty,” the Doctor said, completely missing the sarcasm.  
  
There was a long pause while the sphere hovered in mid-air in front of Rose. Then, it sank into the water and stopped at her chest. Her eyes widened when she saw a small door open in the front of the ball. A little telephoto lens came out and aimed directly at her boobs. Rose’s mouth dropped open and she stared at the ball angrily as it rose back up above the water.  
  
“You look good in a swimming costume, Rose, just letting you know that,” she heard the Doctor say, as the lens went back in and the door closed.  
  
“Get out of here with that thing before I lob it against the wall and smash it to bits,” Rose yelled.  
  
“Now, now, I was only making a critical assessment of your cozzy,” the Doctor said. “You have too nice a body to be wearing something unflattering that’ll make you look severely obese.”  
  
Rose’s mouth dropped open and she gave the sphere a look of death as she balled up her fist and brought it out of the water.  
  
“And…on that note, I’ll be sending Herbie elsewhere,” the Doctor said, quickly. “Have fun swimming.”  
  
Before Rose could do anything, the ball zoomed up into the air out of reach and sped out the door.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
After Herbie left, the three women went back to swimming. Rose and Martha floated on their backs while Donna tried the water slide. Donna was heading up the slide for a second time when the door opened and the Doctor strutted in wearing a brown bathrobe.  
  
“Oh look, our lord and master decided to actually walk to the pool this time instead of using his goofy disco ball.” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor shot her a look.  
  
“For your information, Noble, that so-called disco ball is a highly sophisticated surveillance tool that allows me to see where you are in the TARDIS without me having to run hither and thither and wear myself out in the process.”  
  
“Yeah, and apparently its other function is to find me in a cozzy and stare at me so you can wank off at the console.”  
  
The Doctor eyed Rose.  
  
“I was not wanking off to anything, Rose. I told you I was giving you my honest opinion on how your swimming costume looked.”  
  
“Yeah, and I noticed that the lens was aimed right at my breasts!”  
  
“Well, yes, because that’s where most problems occur fit-wise,” the Doctor countered. “With most swimming costumes, the area around the chest is either too snug or too loose, making it look sloppy. However, yours is a perfect fit, so bravo for being smart enough to pick out a suit that flatters your physique.”  
  
“Gee, Doctor, you talk like you’re an expert in this department,” Martha said. “How many bikini inspections have you done in your 900 years of living?”  
  
“Two.”  
  
“And they are…” Donna said.  
  
“Esther Williams and Rose, if you must know.”  
  
“Really? Esther Williams? When was that?” Martha asked.  
  
“Ooooh, a lifetime or two ago. She just wanted my honest opinion and I gave it to her. And…after she was done shooting for the day, Neptune’s Daughter I think it was, I went to a cast party with her. Wow, that was some party. Red Skelton had me in stitches all night and…”  
  
“Never mind, Doctor,” Rose said, quickly. “I don’t think we wanna know the details. Just…why are you here?”  
  
“Oh, to swim with you. I was standing up front thinking about how much fun you three must be having, so I decided to join you. That’s okay, isn’t it?”  
  
“I guess so,” Rose said. “It’s your pool.”  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“Yes, it is and I’m quite proud of it. So, since it is my pool, keep it clean, keep the surrounding areas tidy and no peeing in it or the Jacuzzi. I don’t want your urine going up my nose while I’m underwater.”  
  
Rose looked at the others and they rolled their eyes. They watched while the Doctor walked over to a deckchair and disrobed. A look passed between them when they saw his swim trunks. Bright blue with bananas all over it.  
  
“Oh, Christ,” Donna said, holding her hand up in front of her face. “I’m blind. Bloody Hell, don’t you ever get any sun? You’re so pale, you practically glow!”  
  
The others giggled while the Doctor shot her a dirty look. Ignoring the catcalls and wolf whistles, he strode over to the ladder leading up to the diving board. They watched with interest while he climbed up.  
  
“Oh look, guys, Greg Louganis is gonna treat us to the sight of his lilywhite body plummeting headfirst into the water,” Donna said. “At least when Casper hits bottom and breaks his pencil thin neck, we’ll be able to find the corpse.”  
  
The Doctor paused on the ladder and glared at Donna while the three of them roared with laughter.  
  
“Tee-hee,” he said.  
  
Ignoring shouts of “Woo-woo!” and “Look at that studly body!”, the Doctor finished climbing the ladder and stepped onto the diving board. The three women snickered while he paused at the back of it and raised his arms out in front of him with a serious look on his face. He walked out to the front of the board, hopped twice, then walked back, then walked forward, hopped two more times and then walked back.  
  
“Come on, shrimpy boy, get on with it so we can fish the corpse out of the water and go back to swimming,” Donna yelled up.  
  
The Doctor repeated his walking and hopping maneuver one more time. Then, with an evil grin on his face, he suddenly sprinted across the board and launched himself out into space.  
  
“CANNONBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALL!” he hollered, as he tucked his legs up against him.  
  
Rose screamed when she noticed he was coming right towards her. She scrambled to get out of the way as the pale ball of energy streaked towards the water.  
  
KER-SPLOOOOOSH!  
  
Rose gasped when the Doctor went in and a mini tsunami hit her from behind. Gasping and coughing, she pulled stringy strands of hair out of her eyes while the Doctor surfaced behind her with a triumphant yell.  
  
“What’s wrong, Tyler, no smart comeback for me now?” the Doctor teased.  
  
He kicked backwards when Rose lunged at him. With a grin, he ducked under the water.  
  
“Yeah, you better hide, mate!” Rose yelled at him as he swam away.  
  
She swam to the shallow end. Once her toe hit the bottom of the pool, she stood up, folded her arms over her chest and waited for the Doctor to surface, so she could give him a piece of her mind. She waited and waited, but he didn’t come up. She looked at Martha who was now sitting on the side of the pool with her legs in the water.  
  
“Where’s the Doctor?” she asked her.  
  
“He’s there,” she said, pointing. “In the middle of the pool, swimming round and round.”  
  
“And he’s still alive?” Rose said. “It’s been ten minutes at least.”  
  
“Unless his dead brain’s gone on autopilot, I guess he’s still alive down there,” Martha said, shrugging.  
  
Donna was holding on to the end of the waterslide watching the Doctor.  
  
“I’ll get him,” she said.  
  
She took a deep breath and went under. Martha watched while she swam towards the Doctor. The Doctor stopped and grinned when he saw her coming. He held out his hand and Donna took it. He then kicked upwards and both of them surfaced.  
  
“There you go,” he said, patting her head. “You can breathe the air again. You know it’s dangerous to stay underwater if you don’t have a respiratory bypass system. You might drown. Why not stay up here and leave the underwater swimming to us professionals, okay? Okay. See ya!”  
  
Donna muttered angrily when he went back under and began swimming again.  
  
“It’s a good thing I don’t know how to pilot this ship, otherwise, I’d get some rope and tie your professional swimmer’s body to the bottom of the pool.”  
  
“Rose!” Martha screamed. “Incoming! Doctor at twelve o’clock and he’s heading right for you!”  
  
Rose had gone back to floating, but the moment she heard Martha, she quickly turned over and started for the ladder. Kicking her legs furiously, she looked back and noticed the Doctor was closing in fast. She gasped when the Doctor tickled the soles of her feet and tried to kick at him. The Doctor grabbed her leg and Rose grunted when he pulled her backwards and grabbed her around the middle.  
  
“Ah-ha! I gotcha!” he crowed. “The mighty shark catches the unwary fish in his predatory jaws and now he will feast.”  
  
Laughing, he began to nibble at her ear while Rose tried to break away from him and get up the ladder.  
  
“It is useless to resist, little fishy, I will devour you before you get up that ladder!” he said.  
  
He giggled when Rose turned her body in his arms and stared at him. He bared his teeth and waggled his eyebrows. Rose tried to give him a stern look, but couldn’t hold it for long. She began to giggle as the Doctor nuzzled his wet cheek against hers.  
  
“I see the fishy has surrendered,” he purred in her ear. “Perhaps we can go into the Jacuzzi, so I can feast on you in private?”  
  
“What about your other two companions?” Rose said.  
  
“Eh, let them get pruny in here. We can get all nice and warm and cozy in the little hot Jacuzzi. Interested?”  
  
Rose smiled.  
  
“Very.”  
  
The Doctor grinned from ear to ear.  
  
“Well then, ladies first out of the pool.”  
  
Donna and Martha looked at each other while the two of them got out.  
  
“Are they about to do what I think they’re gonna do?” Donna asked her.  
  
“I think so,” Martha replied.  
  
“OI!” Donna screamed at them as they walked around the pool to the Jacuzzi. “You just told us not to put any bodily fluids in your pool or your Jacuzzi!”  
  
“First off, Noble, we are not going that far and even if we were, I will remind you this is my pool room, which means I can change the rules at my discretion.”  
  
“Well, we’re your companions and we don’t wanna watch you two snogging like a couple of hormonally crazed teenagers!” Donna shouted back.  
  
“Then, swim and ignore us. You have the whole pool to yourselves or you can get in the steam room back here or the sauna or you can go down to the gym or the golf course or the amusement park or the petting zoo or the trampoline room or the upside down room or the monument to me room or…”  
  
“We get the idea, Doctor,” Martha said, getting up. “Donna and I will find something else to do.”  
  
“You guys don’t have to leave,” Rose said.  
  
“Uh…no, we do have to leave because I really don’t want to lose my lunch watching you give love bites to the Doctor. The…amusement park or whatever will be fine, if we can find the thing.”  
  
“Ask the TARDIS to point it out, she’ll show you to the way. Although, the monument to me room is much more fascinating than any roller coaster.”  
  
Donna and Martha let out huge snorts.  
  
“No, we’ll pass on that, thanks,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Suit yourself,” he said, as Rose giggled. “I personally love going into it every chance I get. It’s nice knowing how special a person I really am.”  
  
“Oh, that’s it, Martha. Let’s get going before I vomit!” Donna said, as she and Martha ran towards the door.  
  
The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief when the door slammed behind them.  
  
“Ah, alone at last. Well, into the Jacuzzi, Tyler.”  
  
“Doctor, were you serious about the monument to me room?”  
  
The Doctor gave her an incredulous look.  
  
“Well, yes,” he said. “It’s several corridors along, but it’s there. It’s really quite grand, actually. Remind me to take you in there sometime.”  
  
“Yeah, Doctor, I’ll…be sure to remind you to take me into the monument to me room.”  
  
The Doctor chuckled. The two of them stepped into the Jacuzzi, sat down and snuggled against each other. They both let out contented sighs while they began to kiss and caress one another in the hot, foamy water.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	7. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48901) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=48901)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=7) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
“So, yeah, I’m still traveling with my friends,” Martha said.  
  
She was walking down the TARDIS corridor talking to Tom Milligan on her mobile. She smiled.  
  
“Oh, I miss you too,” she said. “How long ya gonna be in Africa?”  
  
Just then, the Doctor came around the corner.  
  
“AH! THERE YOU ARE!”  
  
“Shhhh!”  
  
The Doctor stopped short and feigned anger while Martha went back to her conversation.  
  
“So, are you swamped?” Martha said into the mobile. “You have enough help, yeah?”  
  
Interested, the Doctor strolled over and leaned in. Martha shot him a look and tried to wave him away.  
  
“Is that Tom?” he asked.  
  
Martha nodded.  
  
“HI TOM!” the Doctor screamed.  
  
He winked when Martha let out an exasperated sigh.  
  
“Yes, that was the Doctor,” she said.  
  
She paused a moment and then looked at him.  
  
“Tom says hi back.”  
  
“Yay, I feel so loved,” the Doctor said happily.  
  
“You are such a goof sometimes, you know that?” Martha said as he snickered.  
  
There was another pause.  
  
“Oh no, you’re not a goof. I mean the Doctor is a goof,” she said hurriedly. “He just walked up and he’s being his usual pesky self.”  
  
The Doctor gave her a hurt look and then grinned. He gave her a concerned look when her face fell.  
  
“Oh, do you really have to go?” she said sadly.  
  
She sighed softly.  
  
“Oh, okay, I guess I’ll have to let you go then,” she said.  
  
The Doctor leaned his head against her shoulder. Martha fought to keep from laughing when his bottom lip trembled and he gave her doe eyes.  
  
“Okay, just call me back soon, please? I miss you so much!” Martha said.  
  
She bit her lip when the Doctor put his cheek against hers and mimed crying.  
  
“I love you, Tom. Be careful, alright?” Martha said, trying to walk away. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later, bye.”  
  
She hung up the mobile.  
  
“You are worse than a kid, you know that?”  
  
“What? I’m sad. I like Tom and I hate that you and he are separated. I was just sympathizing with your plight.”  
  
Martha rolled her eyes and smiled.  
  
“Well, thank you for echoing my feelings,” she said, giving his cheek a pinch.  
  
He grinned.  
  
“So, how is Milli Vanilli, is he taking good care of himself?” he asked.  
  
Martha raised her eyebrow.  
  
“Milli Vanilli? Only you would think of that,” she said.  
  
“What? I don’t mind them. They were talented. Or rather…the vocalists who sang for them were talented…still, can’t deny the songs were catchy.”  
  
Martha smiled when the Doctor began to croon the chorus ‘Girl, You Know It’s True’, to her. She applauded lightly when he finished.  
  
“Nice, very nice,” she said.  
  
“Thanks, I pride myself on my musical abilities. So, anyway, how is he?”  
  
“He’s fine. He’s still in Africa with Doctors Without Borders helping run a children’s hospital that just opened.”  
  
“Well, good for him. I’m glad he’s helping to make a difference in the world,” the Doctor said.  
  
“Yeah, me too. He’s a great guy.”  
  
“Yes, he is. Second only to me.”  
  
He snickered when Martha gave his arm a playful slap.  
  
“Welll, Miss Jones, I’m so glad I ran into you because I have been gathering up the troops for a little celebration.”  
  
“Really? What’s the occasion?”  
  
“Founder’s Day.”  
  
Martha frowned.  
  
“Never heard of it.”  
  
“Yes, well, I figured that. It’s a Gallifreyan holiday honoring the three founders of Gallifreyan society as I knew it. Rassilon, Omega and the Other.”  
  
“The Other? That’s his name?”  
  
“Um…well, no. No one really knows his name. It’s been lost to history, so everyone just calls him the Other.”  
  
“Okay, if you say so.”  
  
“Anyway, I haven’t celebrated in years and I suddenly feel very nostalgic. Actually, it’s quite a party. Fireworks, dancing, feasting and speechmaking, all into the wee hours of the morning. Today is the day, so care to join me in the merrymaking?”  
  
“Sure, I’d love to see what a Gallifreyan holiday looks like.”  
  
“Wonderful! Oh, we are gonna have a blast! The TARDIS helped me out by preparing some traditional Gallifreyan food and providing the fireworks for tonight.”  
  
“Are we going to some planet?”  
  
“Oh no, we’re doing it in here. I have a camping room that is nice and big and will do just fine. So, if you’ll accompany me to the wardrobe room, we’ll meet up with Rose and Donna, get you all dressed and get the shindig goin’”  
  
“Dressed? We need to get dressed?”  
  
“Yes, all of us need to dress up. It’s tradition. So, follow me.”  
  
Martha took his hand and he led her to the wardrobe room.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“You have got to be kidding.”  
  
Martha looked down at her outfit. She and the others were dressed in Time Lord robes. She looked at her friends. All of them were dressed in bright orange robes and silver skullcaps. The Doctor was the only one who wasn’t uncomfortable and sweaty.  
  
“I am not wearing this,” Donna said to him.  
  
“You have to, it’s tradition,” the Doctor insisted.  
  
“I am not spending the night in this thing. It’s hotter n’ Hell in here, not to mention we all look like nightmares.”  
  
“Oi! These are traditional Time Lord robes I’ll have you know!” the Doctor said, incensed. “They’re a part of my Time Lord heritage!”  
  
“Oh yeah, then why is this the first time I’ve seen you wear it?” Donna challenged.  
  
The other two women gave him pointed looks. He shifted uncomfortably.  
  
“Well…they’re….only for special occasions like today,” he said.  
  
“Well thank God for that because you look poncey in them,” Donna said.  
  
“I do not!” the Doctor said as they giggled. “I look regal.”  
  
“No, I like my word better,” Donna said.  
  
He rolled his eyes and sighed when they three women snickered.  
  
“Anyway…let’s go on to the camping room and start the festivities, shall we?”  
  
“Lead the way, poncey-boy,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor eyed her as all of them bent over laughing.  
  
“I’m beginning to think it’s a bad idea letting the three of you hang out together,” he muttered.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“There we go,” the Doctor said, as he finished lighting the fire.  
  
They were sitting around a small campfire in the campfire room. The TARDIS had realistically portrayed a moonlit night right down to the crickets chirping.  
  
“Great, now we’ll be ten times hotter than we already are,” Donna muttered.  
  
“I’m not hot,” the Doctor said.  
  
“Well, that’s because you have a lower body temperature than we do,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“I can’t help the way I was born. Besides, you’ll get used to it in a minute. Just relax and have fun.”  
  
Before Donna could say anything further, he stood up.  
  
“Well, I believe I will kick off these proceedings with a small speech honoring our revered founders,” he said.  
  
He cleared his throat and spread his arms open.  
  
“Rassilon, Omega and the Other, great founders of Gallifreyan society. We gather here tonight to honor you and your achievements. It is you who made time travel possible and without you, the Time Lords would not exist. Hail to you, revered ones.”  
  
He lowered his arms as the three women clapped.  
  
“Okay, Rose, your turn,” the Doctor said, pointing to her.  
  
Rose’s eyes bugged out.  
  
“Me? I don’t know these people,” she protested.  
  
“Just say a few kind words. It’s tradition for everyone around the fire to say something,” the Doctor said, sitting back down.  
  
Rose looked at Martha and Donna who shrugged. She stood up and stared into the fire.  
  
“Ummmmm….Rassilon, Omega and the Other…um….you are great. Because of you…we have the Doctor. We honor you….I s’pose.”  
  
She quickly sat back down while the others applauded.  
  
“Martha, you’re next,” the Doctor said.  
  
“I don’t know what to say,” she protested.  
  
“Just say a little something,” the Doctor urged.  
  
Martha stood up.  
  
“Okay, um…Rassilon, Omega and the Other. I don’t know any of you cause I’ve never lived on your planet, but the Doctor seems to like you, so you’re okay in my book. Um…long live the three of you.”  
  
She sat down as the others clapped.  
  
“Alright, it’s my turn, is it?” Donna said, getting up.  
  
The Doctor shot her a warning look, which was completely ignored.  
  
“Okay, Rassilon, Omega and the Other, I got something to say to you.”  
  
“Donna…” the Doctor said.  
  
“How come you lot came up with these stupid outfits? They’re hotter n’ Hell and they make you look like a ponce.”  
  
“Donna…”  
  
“I mean, come on, these robes weight a ton and they’re stupid looking and what’s with this frill thing jutting up the back? What’s it for, wind protection? You need to have one on the front, so you can hide your face from others.”  
  
“Donnaaaaaaaaaaaa….”  
  
“But then again, I guess it’s the whole suffering for your god thing? Because if that’s the case, I’m suffering, believe me!”  
  
“Donna Noble!” the Doctor said as Rose and Martha laughed.  
  
“And another thing, I’m assuming you invented TARDIS’s? Because if you did, you made them draftier than Hell. Most mornings, it takes me ten minutes to convince myself to get out of bed because I freeze my arse off when I do. Haven’t you lot heard of central heating? I mean, you are gods, so surely that kind of thing isn’t beyond you and…”  
  
She gasped when the Doctor jumped up, seized her hand and set her back down.  
  
“Thank you, Noble, for those stirring words,” the Doctor said as Rose and Martha bent over laughing. “And since all of you are finished now, I will bring over the food for the feast.”  
  
Donna looked at her friends and winked while the Doctor walked away muttering to himself. He returned a few moments later carrying a silver platter in his hands. On top of the platter was a huge hunk of grey colored meat surrounded on three sides by small purple and red berries. All three women made faces when he sat it down on the ground in front of them.  
  
“What is that?” Martha asked.  
  
“This is Tafleshrew meat or rather, imitation Tafleshrew meat since all the Tafleshrews perished with Gallifrey. The red berries are Bomble berries and the purple berries are Darshewling berries, also imitation, of course. Go ahead and help yourself and I’ll go get the imitation Bombleberry juice.”  
  
The three women stared at the platter.  
  
“Anyone wanna go first?” Martha said.  
  
“Not me, I don’t trust meat that looks like it’s rotten,” Donna said.  
  
Rose hesitated for a moment and then tentatively reached out and pulled off a bit of meat from the side. The two women watched closely while she put it in her mouth and ate it. She chewed for a couple of seconds and then her eyes widened in delight.  
  
“It’s good, guys. It really is,” she said. “Try some.”  
  
Donna and Martha looked at each other, picked off bits of flesh and ate them. They looked at each other and nodded in agreement.  
  
“Thank God the thing tastes better than it looks,” Donna said.  
  
They looked over when the Doctor came up carrying another platter with a pitcher and glasses on top of it.  
  
“How is it?” he asked.  
  
“It’s good,” Rose said as the others nodded in agreement.  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“Good. I was afraid imitation Tafleshrew meat wouldn’t taste as good as the real thing.”  
  
“Well, it’s not like we could tell the difference anyway,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor tasted a bit of the meat.  
  
“Not bad. It doesn’t taste exactly like Tafleshrew meat, but it’s pretty close. Have you tried the berries?”  
  
The three women shook their heads. All of them picked up a red and purple berry and tasted them.  
  
“Oh my God, these are good,” Rose said.  
  
“Yeah, you’ve got some good food on your planet,” Martha agreed.  
  
“I’ll say, this food more than makes up for the poncey robes.”  
  
Rose and Martha giggled when the Doctor gave Donna a look of death.  
  
“Thanks, I think,” he said to her.  
  
He took another piece of meat and popped it in his mouth. Suddenly, the room was filled with the sound of drums and flutes.  
  
“This is traditional Gallifreyan music,” the Doctor said pointing up to the ceiling. “The TARDIS is piping it into the room.”  
  
“It’s beautiful,” Rose said.  
  
She took a swig of Bombleberry juice. As she drank, she glanced over at the Doctor and noticed he was staring off into space with unshed tears in his eyes. Her heart broke for him and she scooted closer.  
  
“Doctor?”  
  
The Doctor looked at her.  
  
“Hmmm?”  
  
“Are you alright? You look like you’re going to cry.”  
  
The Doctor gave her a sad smile and put his arm around her.  
  
“Just remembering,” he said.  
  
Donna and Martha glanced at each other, got up and went to his side. Martha settled down behind him, put her arms around his neck and put her cheek against his while Donna sat down on his other side. The Doctor beamed. He put his arm around Donna, closed his eyes and basked in the love of the people who cared about him.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The three women sat around the Doctor, taking in the simulated fireworks the TARDIS had provided. None of them had left his side since the Doctor became emotional, wanting to let him know that they were there for him. They had finished off the Tafleshrew meat and berries and had even done a bit of dancing to the music. Now all of them lay there exhausted just taking in the show. Rose looked over at the Doctor and studied his face as he watched the fireworks. He looked at her, smiled, and kissed her lips.  
  
“This was a really good idea,” she whispered to him. “Not just for us, but for you. I think you needed this, needed to connect with your planet again.”  
  
The Doctor nodded.  
  
“Yes, I did and I’m glad you three were willing to go along with me.”  
  
“Are you kidding? I’ll go along with anything you say.”  
  
The Doctor gave her a wicked grin.  
  
“So, does that mean you will let me auction you off for credits then?”  
  
He snickered when she punched him in the arm.  
  
“Alright, almost anything then,” she said.  
  
She snuggled in close to him and he put his arm around her. She let out a yawn and closed her eyes.  
  
“One thing you gotta say about these poncey robes. They’re nice if you wanna go to sleep in them. Like being wrapped in a big old blanket.”  
  
“Are you going to sleep?”  
  
Rose nodded.  
  
“I’m knackered. All that dancing and good food wore me out,” she murmured. “Besides, you feel so good and so warm and so comfortable and you just make me want to go to sleep…”  
  
The last word was barely a whisper and the Doctor watched as Rose drifted off. He repositioned himself and gathered her into his arms. She opened her eyes briefly and with a soft sigh, closed them and went back to sleep.  
  
“I’m going to take Rose to bed,” he said to Martha and Donna. “You guys are welcome to hang out here for as long as you like.”  
  
Martha glanced at her friend.  
  
“I think we’re just about done here too. So, you go on ahead and we’ll catch up.”  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“Okay, good night then.”  
  
“Good night, Doctor,” Martha and Donna said in unison.  
  
The Doctor turned. They watched while he walked out the door with Rose in his arms and then both of them leaned back and watched the rest of the fireworks.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	8. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49110) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49110)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=8) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Eight  
  
“So, anyway, there we were facing a bunch of two legged horse people who wanted to sacrifice us to their gods,” Rose said.  
  
She, Martha and Donna were walking through the TARDIS corridors. Martha and Donna were listening while Rose recounted some of her adventures with the Doctor.  
  
“So, we were tied hand and foot, yeah? And they were getting ready to chop us up and barbecue us in honor of the gods. And the Doctor was ranting and raving about how they couldn’t do that to two sentient beings and they should be ashamed of themselves and he wasn’t going to let them kill us without a fight and…”  
  
WHIIRRRRRRRRRRR.  
  
The three women paused when they heard a whirring sound behind them. They turned and saw the Doctor was behind the wheel of a large golf cart with a white metal canopy. He drove up to them and stopped.  
  
“Oi! Move it! I’m driving here!” he said, beeping the little horn.  
  
The three women stared at the cart in shock and then slowly moved aside. The Doctor grinned at them and inched the cart up slightly until he was right beside them.  
  
“So, what are three gorgeous women like you doing in a place like this?” he asked, casually leaning his arm on the steering wheel.  
  
“We live here, you dunce,” Donna said.  
  
“Do you now? Well, that’s very fascinating,” the Doctor said, looking around. “It looks very comfy and I’ve heard that the owner of this establishment is a fabulous bloke. One of the greatest people who has ever lived, if the rumors are to be believed.”  
  
The three women looked at each other.  
  
“Yeah, right,” Donna said. “So, anyway, you were saying, Rose?”  
  
They started to walk away.  
  
“Hey!” the Doctor said, following them. “Wait a moment, I’m trying to interest you three in a nice tour of the TARDIS!”  
  
“We’ve seen the TARDIS,” Martha said.  
  
“Not all of the TARDIS. I was going to show you parts of the TARDIS that you rarely see. How ‘bout it?”  
  
The three women looked at each other and shrugged. Martha got into the back of the cart while Donna sat down beside the Doctor.  
  
“Ahem, what do you think you’re doing?” the Doctor said to Donna.  
  
Donna stared at him.  
  
“I’m getting in the cart for this tour of yours. Why? Do I have to run behind it while you show us around?”  
  
“No, but you are sitting in Rose’s seat.”  
  
“I don’t see her name on it,” Donna said. “I wanna ride in the front, so deal with it!”  
  
“Fine, then. Rose, come here, you can sit on Donna,” the Doctor said, pointing to Donna’s lap.  
  
“Oi, she is not sitting on me. There is a seat in the back right beside Martha; it won’t kill her to sit there.”  
  
“Yes, but it will kill me.”  
  
Rose giggled when Donna gave him a dirty look.  
  
“You can still see your sweetie if you turn your head around and look,” Donna said. “You aren’t gonna die if she doesn’t sit next to ya.”  
  
The Doctor mumbled to himself as Rose climbed in the back. She ruffled his hair affectionately.  
  
“I’m right here, my Doctor,” she cooed in his ear.  
  
Martha giggled when the Doctor rubbed her cheek.  
  
“My poor Rose, forced to sit in the back away from the warmth of my body. How will you cope without me holding your hand?” he said melodramatically.  
  
“I don’t know, my Doctor, but I will try to endure the cold, dark back seat without you.”  
  
“Oh puh-leeze,” Donna muttered as Rose and Martha bent over laughing. “Will you just get on with the tour before I vomit all over you?”  
  
“Oh, if I must,” the Doctor sighed.  
  
He whistled and the three women watched as the corridor widened until the Doctor was able to turn around.  
  
“Thanks, TARDIS,” the Doctor said, cheerfully. “And now, on with the tour.”  
  
The corridor went back to its normal size as the Doctor drove the cart down it. As he drove, he grabbed a CB microphone and spoke into it.  
  
“Ladies and…ladies…welcome to the Doctor’s TARDIS tours.”  
  
Donna flinched when his voice blared out of a speaker next to her head.  
  
“Hey! We’re all in the cart with ya! There’s no need for the tannoy system!” she said, angrily.  
  
“Of course there’s a need,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “I’m a tour guide and this is what tour guides do. So sit back, relax and enjoy the tour!”  
  
“It’s a little hard to relax when your screechy voice is right in my ear,” Donna muttered.  
  
“Well,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “Now you know what it feels like when you scream and screech in my ear. You wanted to ride in the front seat so badly, now you must live with the consequences!”  
  
Rose and Martha giggled as Donna flipped him off.  
  
“Now,” the Doctor said, turning the corner. “If you look off to your left, you will see a wall, but not just any wall. A wall of my fantastic, awe-inspiring TARDIS! Say hello to the TARDIS, everyone!”  
  
“Hello!” Rose and Martha yelled out.  
  
The Doctor looked at Donna.  
  
“You didn’t say hello to my TARDIS,” he said.  
  
“No, I don’t want to say hello. I see your TARDIS constantly, she knows I’m here.”  
  
The Doctor stared at her for a moment and then put the microphone to his lips.  
  
“And…if you look to my right, you’ll see the legendary Party Pooper Noble Bird. A fascinating creature with fabulous red plumage, this bird likes to sit around, mope and gripe and not join in any fun. I advise you to be careful photographing the Party Pooper because she just might screech at you.”  
  
“Just drive, idiot!” Donna said, as Rose and Martha fell over laughing.  
  
The Doctor turned a corner.  
  
“And here we have yet another corridor of the TARDIS,” the Doctor said into the microphone.  
  
“Whoop-di-doo, is this all the tour is? Because if it is, you can let me off now!” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor slowed the cart down.  
  
“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” she said, starting to climb out.  
  
Suddenly, the wall beside them opened up, revealing a long passageway.  
  
“You were saying, Donna?” the Doctor said.  
  
Donna stared at the hidden corridor and then sat back in her seat. The Doctor cleared his throat and turned into the passageway.  
  
“And now, never before seen by companion eyes, I give you the corridor of doom!” he said.  
  
As he drove through the passageway, simulated lightning flashed around them and thunder crashed overhead.  
  
“Everyone keep their arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times,” the Doctor said as they traveled down the dark corridor. “Who knows what evil we will find in here?”  
  
Rose and Martha gasped when the wind suddenly picked up as the fake storm intensified.  
  
“Rose, are you okay back there?” the Doctor said into the microphone.  
  
“Yeah, I’m fine, Doctor.”  
  
“You sure? You don’t need a little hand holdie right now?”  
  
Rose grinned.  
  
“Oh yes, I’m so scared, Doctor. Please hold my hand.”  
  
She laughed when the Doctor sat the microphone on his lap and reached back. Rose took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Donna looked at Martha and shook her head.  
  
“I don’t know how Romeo here managed to survive all that time without Juliet,” she said to her.  
  
The Doctor let go and picked up the microphone.  
  
“I survived by listening to a voice file of Rose that I had saved on my computer, eating heaps of banana splits and whiling away many a lonely hour cuddling with Rose’s favorite elephant plushie, Snuffy. That answer your question, Noble?”  
  
“Yes, a little too well,” she said as the others laughed.  
  
“Oh, so that’s where Snuffy went,” Rose said.  
  
“Yes, Rose,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “Snuffy is currently in my sock drawer, safe and sound. He shall be returned to you upon completion of this tour.”  
  
“Yay!” Rose said.  
  
They turned a corner and the Doctor drove through the gates of a graveyard.  
  
“Here we are in an incredibly realistic and spooky graveyard. If you look to your right, you will see an incredibly realistic and spooky fake vulture sitting in the tree. And if you look all around the dirt path, you will see incredibly realistic and spooky fake body parts. Yes, this is quite a spooky graveyard, isn’t it?”  
  
“Wheeee,” Donna muttered.  
  
“I see that the Party Pooper is not impressed, but how about the back seat, are you two impressed?”  
  
“Yes!” Rose and Martha yelled.  
  
“Well good, nice to know two thirds of the passengers are enjoying themselves.”  
  
Suddenly, they were all startled by a high-pitched shriek that came out of nowhere.  
  
“I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Donna Noble for the screech you just heard and for allowing me to tape it without her knowing. I believe her banshee-like howl was just perfect for my graveyard tableau.”  
  
“You better erase that or you’ll be living in the graveyard from here on out!” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor ignored her. He drove out of the graveyard and a door opened up in front of him. He drove through it and the women looked all around them at the portraits lining the walls of the corridors.  
  
“On your left and right, you will see portraits of me down through the ages,” the Doctor said.  
  
All of them stared at the portrait of his sixth incarnation.  
  
“What the hell are you wearing? Were you on acid or something?” Donna said.  
  
“No comments please. Just look,” the Doctor said as the girls giggled.  
  
They got to the end of the corridor and the Doctor stopped the cart next to his portrait.  
  
“If you look to your left, you will see a man who needs no introduction,” he gushed. “Because of course, that man is me. Marvelous, magnificent, number ten me. Aren’t I just too precious! Just look at me in my brown pinstriped suit. I am a vision, aren’t I? I…”  
  
“What is that?” Rose said.  
  
Donna and Martha looked at her and saw her pointing off to the right. They looked where she was pointing and noticed a huge portrait of her across from the Doctor. It was Botticelli’s Birth of Venus, except Rose had taken Venus’s place.  
  
“Oh yeah, I forgot that was there,” the Doctor said into the microphone.  
  
“What is that?” Rose demanded, pointing at the painting.  
  
The Doctor lowered the microphone and cleared his throat.  
  
“Well, you see, I was extremely lonely for you during your absence. Sooooo, after I first met Donna and before I met Martha, I traveled to Florence and met Botticelli. I ended up rescuing him from pygmy rat people who wanted to cart him off to their art starved planet and enslave him for all time. He was so grateful; he said he would give me any reward I wanted. So, I said, you know your Birth of Venus painting? Could you copy it for me with one teensy weensy difference? He agreed, I gave him a photo of you and voila, Botticelli’s Birth of Rose Tyler. A Botticelli that only I know about. Neat, huh?”  
  
“Yeah, it’s just wonderful,” Rose said dryly.  
  
“Mind you, I was going to go and nick your Fortuna statue that I sculpted and bring it back here to look at. But I figured the British Museum would frown on statue thievery, so I decided not to.”  
  
“What? There’s a Rose statue in the British Museum?” Martha said.  
  
“I’ll explain later,” Rose said to her.  
  
The Doctor started the cart again.  
  
“Of course, someday, I’ll also have a hall of companions,” the Doctor said as he drove. “I just haven’t gotten around to doing it yet.”  
  
“But of course there was loads of time to have yourself painted,” Martha said.  
  
“Yup!” the Doctor said happily. “Big investment in time and money, but completely worth it. Someday, I might even auction off the collection at Sotheby’s and see what I can get. Course that’ll probably be on my last life, so the lucky bidder will have the entire set of me. And with luck, my thirteenth life will be a long ways off. But, anyway, back to the tour.”  
  
“Oh God, here we go with the speaker again,” Donna muttered.  
  
“That’s right, Donna,” the Doctor said into the microphone. “This is payback for stealing Rose’s rightful place in the cart. You wanted to be next to me; well you got me up close and personal. Enjoy!”  
  
“Um, if I were you, Donna, I’d never sit in the front seat again,” Rose said.  
  
“Believe me, from now on, I’m sitting as far away as I possibly can from him!” she replied.  
  
The Doctor turned a corner.  
  
“And now, up ahead…”  
  
He trailed off when he saw a big wooden door with a Rose etched onto it.  
  
“And that concludes the tour,” he said, backing the cart up. “I hope all of you enjoyed…”  
  
“Wait,” Martha said. “What’s behind that door?”  
  
“Nothing, nothing at all in that room.”  
  
“Yeah, but there’s a big rose on the door,” Martha protested. “What’s in there?”  
  
“Nothing, nothing whatsoever! This concludes the tour. I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for being such good sports and…”  
  
He trailed off when the cart suddenly stopped and lurched forward towards the door. The Doctor frantically tried to throw it in reverse and let out an angry yell when he realized the controls were locked.  
  
“TARDIS, let go of the controls!” he yelled at the ceiling as the cart rumbled towards the door.  
  
The TARDIS ignored him and opened up the door. The Doctor whipped out his sonic screwdriver and tried to regain control of the cart while the three women leaned forward in anticipation. They giggled at the Doctor’s stream of curses as the cart went right inside. Once inside, the lights clicked on and they looked around the room. In every possible nook and cranny were portraits, drawings and sculptures of Rose. There was even a stuffed Beanie Baby bear that had shoulder length blonde hair and a little pink shirt and denim dungarees. They all looked at the Doctor and noticed that he was now as red as a rose.  
  
“So, what’s this? The Rose Tyler stalker room?” Donna asked.  
  
“Um…I’ve never seen this room before in my life,” the Doctor said sheepishly.  
  
Just then, a piece of paper wafted through the cart and landed on Rose’s lap. Rose picked it up.  
  
“To my Rose, by the Doctor,” she read aloud.  
  
“Give me that!” the Doctor said, trying to seize it out of her hands.  
  
Rose hopped out of the cart, walked behind it out of arms reach and leaned forward. She cleared her throat and read aloud.  
  
“My Rose is such a beautiful flower. I can gaze upon her, hour after hour. Her hair is yellow as the sun. I love to be with her and have lots of fun. Her skin is silky and creamy white. Her hand fits in my hand, oh so right. Although there’s been pain and lots of strife, I thank the heavens the day she walked into my life. She’s my inspiration, my hope, my joy and let’s face it, I’m her…”  
  
She trailed off and put her hand over her mouth as she howled with laughter.  
  
“What? What’s it say?” Martha said.  
  
“It says nothing!” the Doctor retorted. “Rose, don’t you dare say the last three words aloud!”  
  
Rose smirked at him.  
  
“What’ll you give me?”  
  
“I’ll allow you to live, that’s what I’ll give you!” the Doctor said. “Now, put the piece of paper down and let’s get going.”  
  
“Sod him, Rose! What’s it say?” Donna said.  
  
Rose stuck her tongue between her teeth and waved the piece of paper in front of her.  
  
“I’m warning you, Rose. Don’t…say…the last three words!”  
  
Rose considered that for a moment and then let out a sigh.  
  
“Oh, alright, you win. I’ll put the poem down,” she said.  
  
The Doctor breathed out a sigh of relief.  
  
“Thank you,” he said.  
  
Rose gave him an evil grin.  
  
“You’re welcome…my little boy toy!”  
  
“Damn it, Rose!” the Doctor bellowed as Donna and Martha roared with laughter.  
  
Rose sprinted off laughing at the top of her lungs as the Doctor leapt from his seat and gave chase.  
  
“I swear to God, Rose. You are gonna pay for that!” he bellowed as he went out the door.  
  
Martha and Donna sat in their seats and listened to Rose’s laughter and the Doctor’s loud bilingual cursing.  
  
“So,” Martha said to Donna, “I guess the tour has ended, yeah?”  
  
“Yup, looks like it. I guess we’re down one companion now. I s’pose once the Doctor gets through killing her, he’ll have her bronzed and add her to the collection here.”  
  
Martha looked out the door.  
  
“You think the Doctor’s gonna come back?”  
  
“I hope not.”  
  
Martha looked at Donna.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
Donna grinned as she pointed to a pile of papers in the corner off to her left.  
  
“I think I see more of Shelley’s sappy poetry. Care to join me and find out what else he’s written about Rose?”  
  
Martha grinned.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
Giggling, the two girls got out, ran over, grabbed a stack of poems and letters and settled down to read while they waited for the Doctor to finish annihilating Rose.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
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	9. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49200) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49200)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=9) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Nine  
  
“Oh God, look at this one,” Martha said, as she handed the poem up to Rose who was lying on her stomach on her bed.  
  
After Martha and Donna got through laughing over some of the Doctor’s poetry and love letters to Rose, they hurriedly stuffed them into their bras so they could smuggle them out. Luckily, the Doctor was so preoccupied with chasing Rose down that he didn’t notice his other two companion’s breasts had gotten bigger. Since that time, the three of them had repeatedly snuck back to the room and with the help of the TARDIS had managed to bring back almost everything the Doctor had written without his knowledge.  
  
Despite the laughter and jokes at the Doctor’s expense, Rose loved that he had taken the time to write all the poems and essays and love notes about her and cherished every bit of it. All of it was kept safely hidden in a shoe box under her bed and she frequently pulled them out a t night and reread them when no one was around.  
  
“So, what does that one say?” Donna asked, pointing to the poem.  
  
Rose cleared her throat.  
  
“My Rose, guiding light.  
  
You make me so happy, dear.  
  
A perfect angel.”  
  
She smiled.  
  
“Aw, it’s a haiku. I love it,” she said.  
  
“At least it’s not as corny as some of the others,” Donna said. “Especially that one where he wrote, I fell in love all over again, when we were fighting the Cybermen.”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“I liked that one too, actually. It was sweet,” she said. “It was just as poetic as, my life felt like a total wreck, when I thought you were killed by that Dalek. You have to admit, the man does know how to rhyme words.”  
  
“Well, all I can say is, I’m glad the man’s profession is Time Lord and not Poet Laureate,” Donna replied. “All this makes me wonder if the man spent hours in that room snogging your statues.”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“I wouldn’t put it past him,” she said. “He actually was very fond of that Fortuna statue and he told me he used to visit it often when I was in the other universe.”  
  
“I can’t believe the Doctor actually sculpted a statue of you,” Martha said.  
  
Rose smiled.  
  
“Well, now that you know the story, we’ll have to ask the Doctor to take us there sometime so you can see it for yourselves.”  
  
“Just as long as he doesn’t start humping it in front of us,” Donna said.  
  
They giggled.  
  
“What about you, Martha? Does Tom write poetry?” Rose asked.  
  
Martha smiled softly.  
  
“Nah, not poetry. He’s not that talented. But, he has sent me some beautiful love letters. Every time I go home to visit mum, there’s always 2 or 3 of them waiting for me.”  
  
She sighed wistfully.  
  
“I love when he sends them, but, at the same time, it makes me miss him all the more,” she said.  
  
“It must be nice. I’ve never had a man send me letters or flowers or anything,” Donna said.  
  
“You just haven’t found the right person yet, Donna,” Rose said.  
  
“Yeah, you’ll find the perfect man like we did,” Martha added.  
  
“I hope so because I don’t think I can take anymore Lances in my life,” she replied, rolling her eyes.  
  
They went back to reading. After about ten minutes, Martha tapped Rose on the shoulder.  
  
“I think you better read this,” she said, handing her a two page letter.  
  
Rose took the letter from her. She started to open her mouth when Martha held up her finger.  
  
“You might wanna read it silently first and then decide if you want to read it to Donna. It’s a very personal and heart wrenching letter. I’m sorry now that I even read it,” she said.  
  
Rose nodded. She read silently to herself.  
  
My precious Rose,  
  
I can’t believe I’m actually sitting here writing letters and poems to you when you’re not gonna be around to read them, but I can’t stop myself. Even if I can no longer tell you in person, I have to put pen to paper and let you know how much I really love you. It’s just this insane, burning need to tell the universe how truly special you are. Of course, I never actually tell anyone anything of real consequence, I just end up writing a letter and telling myself these things because who out there except me would ever care about how magnificent you are? I know full well that the universe is against me and if I went and screamed at the top of my lungs that I had just lost the most special person I had ever known, no one would give a damn about my suffering. The only people who would give a damn are the TARDIS and Jack. She does listen and Jack does too and they both understand completely what I’m going through, but still, I need to document my feelings, so at least I have a tangible reminder that you were real and you were here and you loved me when no one else would.  
  
Oh Rose, I know it hurts to write this, but sometimes I get so angry. It’s not you I’m angry at though. It’s me. I’m angry at myself for falling so deeply in love that I can’t move forward with my life. I’m angry that everywhere I look I see you standing there smiling at me and reaching out to hold my hand. Your voice echoes in my head, your laughter, your tears, your words of love, all threatening to drive me over the abyss and plunge me headfirst into insanity. I dream of you when I’m asleep and I daydream of you when I’m awake. Everywhere I go, everything I do brings back a memory of the time we spent together. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t eat chips without bursting into tears. It’s times like that when I kick myself and scream at myself to quit being so stupid. That you are gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring you back. I need to just get on with my life and leave you in the past like I did with all my companions. But…I can’t…no matter how hard I try, I can’t let go of you. The very thought of relegating you to the furthest corner of my memories fills me with a terror no Dalek can top. I’ve even started carrying your clothes around with me in the TARDIS. You know that purple shirt you liked? The one you wore all the time? I carry it with me and I hold it to my chest and I remember you. It’s daft, but that’s all I have left of you, my Rose. Clothes and plush toys and DVD’s and flower scented toiletries. All these things have taken on new meaning to me and it’s gotten to the point where I treat them like holy relics. That’s the power you have over me, Rose. The power to make me go completely loopy and treat a Lord of the Rings DVD as if it were the Holy Grail itself.  
  
Mind you, I toned that down since Martha came on board. She thinks I’m odd enough now; I don’t want her seeing me holding Snuffy to my chest as I’m walking down the corridors. Actually, come to think of it, I started being a lot more careful after Donna came on board the TARDIS and found your purple shirt. Yet another example of how crackers I’ve become…when I saw her holding your precious shirt all crumpled up in her hand, I had this insane urge to punch her lights out for treating something you loved so callously. Mind you, she was screeching at me at the time and I felt like punching her anyway, but that’s beside the point. She was holding your shirt and shoving it in my face and accusing me of abducting you. You! The woman who told me she would willingly give up being with her family to stay with me forever and I ABDUCTED YOU? Donna’s gone now and frankly, good riddance. Martha isn’t anything like you, but at least she isn’t flapping around me and screaming in my ear like a big screechy bat.  
  
Rose smiled at that, despite the tears that were now flowing down her face. She took a deep breath and continued to read.  
  
So, here I am, once again, unable to do anything except write a long, involved letter to you. Blimey, if my other selves could see me now, see how sentimental I’ve become in my old age. I would never have done this in my younger years, never have entertained the thought of being smitten over a girl, especially a human girl. But, yet again, proof of how special you truly are. You, Rose Tyler, had the power to shine your light into the heart of the Oncoming Storm and turn the darkness into a bright, sunny day. Wow, did I just write that? Damn, I’m good. No wonder Shakespeare’s sonnets have been acclaimed the world over. I helped write a fair chunk of them, you know. Why am I not getting royalties though? Another thing I must kick myself for. But, anyway, back to the letter…You truly were an angel in my life. You taught me that there is always something worth living for, never to give up even when there are days you just feel like lying down and dying and that even an old bitter, angry, grumpy, last of the Time Lords can learn to laugh and have fun again. I’ll look back on that year we shared and think on it as one of the happiest times in my lives. Sure there were moments of danger and terror, but you and I just stood there and laughed at it all like it was some big practical joke being played on us. But, in the end, the joke was on me because the universe saw fit to take you away and trap you in a place where I can’t see you and kiss you and hold you close.  
  
I hope to all the gods out there, real and imagined, that you are safe and happy and able to carry on with your life. I hope, Rose that you aren’t doing what I’m doing. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life loving a memory. I want you to go and find someone who will treat you like a million pounds and give you the life you deserve. Don’t become stuck in the past. If you want to honor me and our relationship, then carry on day by day and make your life the most fantastical one you can possibly imagine. It will be hard, but you must do what I’m doing, take one step at a time and breathe one breath at a time until you are able to pick up the pieces and become the vibrant woman you once were. I ache inside not having you here, but at least you are with family and not trapped in a strange universe surrounded by total strangers. At least, your mum is there, although if it were me, that would be a fate worse than Hell itself. Not to mention Mickey-boy. Damn, I need to find a way over the void, so I can rescue you from them, you poor defenseless thing. Ah, there, you’ll be pleased to know that I just laughed at that, so I’ve cheered up, even if it’s only a little bit. Still, despite all I’ve said in this letter, I will never, ever give up hope that someday we’ll be reunited. That’s another thing you taught me, that I need to keep my hope alive, no matter what the odds. I just pray that all my wishing and hoping isn’t falling on deaf ears. But, as the old cliché goes, where there’s life, there’s hope. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Don’t put your eggs in one basket and don’t jump over the Warwoolian when it’s mating with a Farflesnap.  
  
Well, I guess I’ve rambled on long enough; I better go find Martha and see what she’s up to. Promised that woman one trip, now it’s turned into three and I’m pretty sure eventually I will be taking her on full time. I just can’t bear to be alone anymore, Rose. Not at my age. So, even though I said I was only going to offer her a few trips as a way of thanking her, I doubt it’ll remain that way. That’s the other thing that you changed about me. Before I met you, I didn’t care if I was alone or not, but now the thought of me being by myself in this huge TARDIS fills me with unspeakable dread. I’m a changed man now and it’s all because of you. So, from the very bottom of both my broken hearts, thank you.  
  
All the hugs and kisses and hand holdings the universe can offer. Take care, my jewel, until we meet again.  
  
The Doctor.  
  
Rose laid the letter down, her eyes filled with tears. Martha and Donna glanced at each other, got up on their knees and laid their heads against hers. They stayed that way for a moment and then Martha looked at Donna. Silent words passed between them and they stood up. Both of them rubbed their young friend’s back for a moment before they walked out of the room and closed the door behind them.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor lay on the grating underneath the console doing some minor repairs to the circuitry. There was a greatest hits of the ‘80’s CD playing in the CD player and he was singing along to it while he worked.  
  
“Don’t you want me, baby? Don’t you want me, oooh-whoa-whoa. Don’t you want me baby? Don’t you want me, oooh-whoa-whoa,” he sang. “I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true. But even then I’d knew I’d find a much better place, either with or without you.”  
  
“Doctor?”  
  
The Doctor grinned when he glanced over and saw Rose’s legs beside him. His eyes went back to the circuitry while he cheerfully warbled.  
  
“What you wantin’, Rosie? What’s the problem, oooh-whoa-whoa? I’m down here a workin’, so you’ll have to get on the floor.”  
  
He smiled when Rose bent down. But, he instantly became concerned when he saw her tear stained face.  
  
“Rose, what is it?” he said, sitting his sonic screwdriver down by his side. “What’s the matter?”  
  
“Oh, Doctor.”  
  
Without another word, Rose crawled over, lay down beside him and put her arms around him. Confused, the Doctor rolled onto his side and held her close.  
  
“What is it? Why are you crying?” he asked gently.  
  
“I love you so much; I just want you to know that.”  
  
“I do know it.”  
  
“Just reminding you, in case you have any doubts,” she said, softly.  
  
The Doctor wasn’t sure what had happened, but he sensed that perhaps later was a better time to ask. Silently, he tightened his hold on Rose’s body and lowered his face to the top of her head, breathing in the scent of the lavender shampoo she had used earlier in the day. He leaned up slightly and kept a close eye on her, watching what she did and smiling when she relaxed and sighed deeply.  
  
“Feeling better?” he asked.  
  
“Yes,” Rose said, into his chest.  
  
“Good, because you’re getting my nice clean suit wet. Dry cleaning isn’t cheap, you know.”  
  
He laughed when Rose swatted his arm and gave her a kiss on the nose.  
  
“So, now that you’re all better, what did Donna do?”  
  
Rose frowned.  
  
“Donna? Donna didn’t do anything to me.”  
  
“Oh, well, I figured since you came in here with tears running down your cheeks that Donna perhaps was her usual tell it like it is self and mouthed off to you in that oh, so charming way of hers.”  
  
“No, Donna and I get along fine.”  
  
“Well, good. It’s bad enough Polly Parrot squawks at me without her squawking at you too.”  
  
“Doctor, that’s mean.”  
  
He grinned when Rose smiled in spite of herself.  
  
“Oh, you know I’m only joking. I like Donna just as much as the rest of ya. It’s true she has a voice that can be heard from nine countries away, but on the other hand, she’s a cute little wisecracker that reminds me of me.”  
  
He paused.  
  
“Don’t tell her I said she was cute though, she might assault me for that. You know, weird, skinny Martian boy coming on to her and all? Next thing you know, she’s off to the tabloids screaming that an alien was trying to shove his ovipositor down her throat or some other nonsense. Ah, Rose, it’s too bad you didn’t follow her the night we stopped Miss Foster. You would have had a laugh, especially if you had been there before she saw you. There I was, telling that woman that all I wanted was a mate and the next thing I knew…”  
  
He grinned, let out a melodramatic gasp and imitated Donna’s voice.  
  
“YOU’RE NOT MATIN’ WITH ME, SUNSHINE!”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“And then she’s cowering behind the door like any minute I’m gonna roar, rip my clothes off, pounce on her and shag her senseless. If I was gonna do that with anyone, it certainly wouldn’t be the drama queen in there. And…And, Rose, after I so graciously allowed her to travel with me again, what does she do? She gripes about it being chilly in here! Omega’s orifice, it I hadn’t been so lonely and wanted company so badly, I would have dumped her butt back out the door and shoved her cutesy hatbox right down on her red little head. Honestly, I show some hospitality and what do I get?”  
  
He imitated Donna’s voice again.  
  
“Turn up that heat before I turn into an icicle and quit bouncin’ around like a maniac, you give me a bleedin’ headache and slow down when you’re tryin’ to explain stuff to me, my brain doesn’t go that fast! Gripe, gripe, gripe. Whinge, whinge, whinge. Natter, natter, natter. Get out of my way, skinny boy, I’m in a hurry to get out of this frigid machine of yours and you’re holdin’ me back! I thought Tegan was a holy terror, Donna would have her cowering in the corner in under two minutes. Look up alpha female in the dictionary and Donna’s picture would be there glaring at you and the caption underneath her would say, quit staring at me before I punch your lights out!”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“You like her though, admit it.”  
  
“Yeah, I do. But, thank every god there is in the whole of time and space that my TARDIS is big enough that I don’t have to be crammed in here with her constantly at my side. I’m glad your mum isn’t here too, oh God, would that be a battle royal! The screamer and the slapper in a battle to the death. I doubt the universe would survive after the two of them got through with each other.”  
  
“Well, if that happens, then we’ll both die and be together at least,” Rose said, shrugging.  
  
The Doctor beamed.  
  
“That’s what I love about you, Rose. Always a bright side to everything.”  
  
He tickled her armpits while Rose howled with laughter.  
  
“So, feeling better now? Crying over?” he asked when he finished.  
  
Rose smiled and nodded.  
  
“Good, because I’m just about through here and I think the four of us should go somewhere just to get out of this stuffy, allegedly freezing TARDIS. How ‘bout it?”  
  
“Sounds good to me.”  
  
He leaned over on his back and Rose cuddled up beside him.  
  
“Oh, and incidentally, don’t tell Donna what I just said. I really don’t want to spend the next twenty years hiding in my own ship while she goes on a hunt for me.”  
  
“My lips are sealed.”  
  
“Good, wish hers were.”  
  
He snickered when Rose slapped his chest.  
  
“Now, since you are down here, you can help me sing harmony while I finish repairs, okay?”  
  
“I’ll try.”  
  
“Good…and a-one and a-two and a-three…GO!”  
  
Rose and the Doctor raised their voices in song and sang ‘Do You Really Want to Hurt Me loudly and off-key while the Doctor finished fixing the circuitry.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	10. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49205) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49205)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=10) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Ten  
  
I can’t believe you talked us into doing this,” Martha muttered.  
  
The three of them had landed on the planet Malfexnec. A planet which the Doctor soon discovered was the main player in a galaxy wide slave ring. As always, the Time Lord was eager to stop the injustice and put an end to the slave trading once and for all. But, for that, he knew he needed some help and so he turned to his three loyal companions to assist him in his ambitious scheme. At first they were all for helping him until they found out he was going to be posing as a Rufullian slave hunter and they would be his three slaves he was bringing in to sell. Unfortunately for the women, it was winter on Malfexnec and the three of them were wearing skimpy red leather bras and thongs with red leather collars and leashes. The Doctor, on the other hand, was dressed in a black leather outfit with a long flowing grey cape, black leather gloves and black boots. He wore a helmet on his head and a respirator strapped over the lower half of his face leaving only the eyes visible. Even more unfortunate for the women was the fact that in order to avoid detection, the Doctor had to land the TARDIS a mile away from the stone fort where the slaves were being held. So, there they were, trudging along in the snow behind the Doctor while he held their leashes in one hand and a six foot high wooden staff in the other.  
  
“Come on, Martha, it’s not that far now!” he said, cheerfully.  
  
“Easy for you to say, you’re fully dressed!” Martha shot back. “You couldn’t have landed when it was summertime here?”  
  
“It wouldn’t make any difference, Malfexnec never gets very warm. Even in summertime the temperature doesn’t get much higher than 5 degrees Celsius.”  
  
“I’d take that over nine thousand below!” Donna said, shivering.  
  
She looked at Rose who was trudging along beside her.  
  
“I’m surprised Rose is wearing what we’re wearing. The way you act around her, I figured she would be wrapped from head to toe in a cotton blanket.”  
  
“Oh, God, don’t even mention that. Cotton blanket would feel so good right now!” Rose said, her teeth chattering.  
  
The Doctor stopped and faced them.  
  
“Look, I’m sorry you’re freezing. I don’t like it any more than you do. Especially since you’re dressed as slaves, which is the last thing I would want any of you to be. But, if we’re gonna do this; we all have to look the part. This is the way female slaves dress on this planet and since Rufullians are usually the ones to bring them in, I have to dress as one of their slave hunters. Therefore, I get more clothes than you do. Now,” he said, gesturing ahead to the fort with his staff. “If you notice, the compound is just right there, so you only have a few minutes more in the cold and snow. Now, be the brave women I know you to be and grin and bear it until we get inside, alright?”  
  
The three women nodded and the Doctor turned and walked towards the fort. All three of them held their arms tight around their bodies while their teeth vibrated violently.  
  
“Do you have a plan once we get inside?” Donna asked.  
  
“Um…kinda, sorta, mostly we’ll just play it by ear like we always do,” the Doctor said, glancing back at her.  
  
“Oh, great, I feel tons better already,” Donna replied. “So, how are we supposed to act once we get up there?”  
  
“Um…like you’re enslaved,” the Doctor said, with wide eyes.  
  
“Well, we just became enslaved, didn’t we?” Donna said.  
  
“Yeeeeeah…that’s the point of my being a slave hunter. I hunted you. Why are you asking me this? Are you a method actor or something?”  
  
“No, I just wanna know how subservient we should be. I mean, do we fight you or should we all just cling to your legs, weeping like a bunch of wimps?”  
  
The Doctor paused a moment and considered that. He pointed at Martha with his staff.  
  
“You, show some resistance,” he commanded.  
  
He looked at Donna.  
  
“You…don’t fight because I’m pretty sure you’ll take my head off. So, you just stand there docile as a sheep.”  
  
He gazed at Rose.  
  
“As for you, my pretty one, if you wanna cling, my leg’s free and clear,” he said patting his thigh.  
  
Rose giggled while Donna made gagging noises.  
  
“Oh God, and I suppose you’re gonna do it too,” she said to Rose.  
  
Rose gave her a mischievous grin.  
  
“Maybe, maybe not,” she said, shrugging.  
  
Donna looked at Martha.  
  
“She’s gonna do it, you just know she is,” she said as Rose giggled harder.  
  
The Doctor winked and with a chuckle, turned around and walked the last remaining distance to the fort.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor sighed as he pounded on the huge wooden door with his staff for the third time.  
  
“Open up, I have slaves and one of them is likely to beat me to death if I don’t get her inside in the next few minutes!” he yelled.  
  
He lowered his staff and tapped his foot impatiently.  
  
“Come on, what’s the holdup?” he muttered.  
  
“Maybe it’s deserted,” Rose suggested.  
  
“If it is, I’m kicking the door down. There’s no way I’m walking back through the snow dressed like this,” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor let out an angry sigh and pounded on the door with his staff.  
  
“OPEN UP!” he screamed as he pounded.  
  
Suddenly, the door opened inward and a shrimpy little man dressed in a heavy fur coat and fur boots stepped up to the Doctor. The Doctor looked him over. The man was at least a foot and a half shorter than he was.  
  
“Hello there, I am Rax, the Rufullian slave hunter. I bring three slaves to sell,” he said. “Are you the guard here?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m Zonk. I’m filling in, Cronk is sick,” he said in a nasally voice. “State your business.”  
  
The Doctor stared at him, shocked.  
  
“Um, I bring slaves; I just said that a minute ago.”  
  
“Oh yeah, sorry it’s the first time I’ve had to do this. Normally, I’m washing pots and pans in the kitchen.”  
  
“Oh, I see…” the Doctor replied.  
  
Zonk walked past him and stared intently at the women.  
  
“Are these the slaves?” he asked, pointing to them.  
  
“Yeeeeeah, do you see anybody else around that would fit that description?” the Doctor said.  
  
Zonk shrugged.  
  
“I normally don’t deal with slaves. I wash the pots and pans in the kitchen,” he said, walking back.  
  
“Okay. Well then, yes, these are slaves and I’m…a slave hunter,” he said, pointing to himself. “I come many moons from far away to sell women to big chief. Got that?”  
  
“Whatever you say,” Zonk said, shrugging. “I don’t usually do this. I wash the pots and pans in the kitchen.”  
  
“Yes,” the Doctor said, resisting the urge to punch him, “and I bet you’re an excellent pot and pan washer too. Now, are you going to let us in, so I can conduct some business or are we going to stand around and hear all about your duties as pots and pans washer?”  
  
“I have to clear this with Bonk,” Zonk said.  
  
The three women groaned.  
  
“Hurry it up!” Donna muttered under her breath to the Doctor.  
  
“Fine, yes, great. Go and get Bonk or whoever you need to get. My valuable property is freezing to death out here!”  
  
“Well, now wait a minute. I’m not sure if I should. You see, I was under the impression that there were certain days when we weren’t accepting slaves. And I thought today was one of those days, but I’m not really sure because I just wash the pots and pans in the kitchen and…”  
  
“GO AND FIND OUT, YOU STUPID GIT!” Donna bellowed at him. “WE WANNA COME INSIDE!”  
  
Zonk stared at her for a moment and then scurried inside and shut the door. The Doctor turned and stared at Donna as Rose and Martha laughed.  
  
“Thank you, Noble for that subservient tone of voice,” the Doctor said to her. “I knew I could count on you to play the part of a slave when the situation required it.”  
  
“Look, I’m sorry, but that wanker was just standing there being a wanker. I don’t care if he washed the bleedin’ pots and pans in the kitchen. I’m half frozen and if he doesn’t open the door in the next couple of minutes, the other half will join it. If I have to scream at the idiot to get him to move, then I’ll do it!”  
  
“Okay, but if they pull your tongue out of your head to keep you quiet, don’t come crying to me,” the Doctor replied.  
  
He turned when he heard the door open up behind him. Zonk stepped out with a clipboard in hand.  
  
“Bonk says it’s okay to take these slaves,” he said.  
  
“Thank God,” Martha muttered.  
  
Zonk took a pen from his pocket, clicked it and held it against the clipboard.  
  
“Name?” he said to the Doctor.  
  
“Rax,” the Doctor said, impatiently.  
  
Zonk wrote that down.  
  
“Last name?” he said looking at him.  
  
The Doctor stared at him.  
  
“Acoricofallipatorius,” he said, angrily.  
  
Zonk wrote that down.  
  
“Date of birth?”  
  
The Doctor was gobsmacked.  
  
“What do you need to know my date of birth for?” he said.  
  
“Paperwork,” Zonk said.  
  
“What does my date of birth have to do with anything?”  
  
“You have to be over the legal age to bring slaves here for sale. Now, date of birth?”  
  
The Doctor sighed.  
  
“86/45/9000,” he said, without thinking.  
  
Zonk wrote that down.  
  
“Names of slaves?”  
  
The three women groaned.  
  
“I don’t know,” the Doctor said, exasperated. “I kidnapped them from a busy marketplace; I didn’t have time to ask their names.”  
  
“All slaves are catalogued by name,” Zonk said.  
  
“Okay then, the red head’s name is Going To Die, the black woman’s name is Freezing To Death, and the blonde’s name is For The Love Of Almighty God Let Me Through The Door. There, that satisfy you?”  
  
“Ages?”  
  
The three women groaned as the Doctor threw up his hands. He dropped the leashes and set the staff against the fort wall. Taking off his cloak, he made the three of them huddle close together. Muttering his sincerest apologies for getting them into this mess, he draped it around their blue bodies and pulled it closed. The three women held it closed while the Doctor retrieved his staff.  
  
“They are 24, 29, and…32,” he said, just spewing out numbers.  
  
“Blood types?”  
  
“B, B, F.”  
  
Sex?”  
  
The Doctor stared at him.  
  
“What do you think?” he said, gesturing back to them. “I mean, I know you normally wash pots and pans in the kitchen, but surely, you have had contact with others and know the difference between the sexes!”  
  
“I must ask these questions,” Zonk said.  
  
“Tell me something. Have you ever actually had any slaves make it past the front door or do they all turn into ice lollies and die while they wait for the inquisition to end?”  
  
“I am only doing my job.”  
  
“Yeah, well so am I. My job is to get my slaves inside before they expire of the cold. Now, can’t we just step inside and then continue the Q and A there before I lose my possible sale to the winter wind and snow?”  
  
“I don’t know if that’s allowed.”  
  
“Allow it. I’ll take full responsibility if we get in trouble.”  
  
He sighed when Zonk gave him a blank look.  
  
“Look, you see these women back here? They are minutes from death, and if they die, you better believe you’ll be the next to go. Now, LET US IN!”  
  
Zonk sighed.  
  
“Very well, step inside, but if I get in trouble…”  
  
“I’ll take the blame, I’ll take the punishment. I’ll take anything you dish out, just let me get my girls inside the door, please.”  
  
“Follow me, then.”  
  
The three women rejoiced as the Doctor shoulders slumped with relief. Walking to them, he quickly ushered them inside before they collapsed. Once they were inside, Zonk closed the door and led them down a dark, narrow hallway.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	11. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49255) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49255)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=11) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Eleven  
  
“Oh my God, heat,” Donna muttered as the three of them followed the Doctor down the corridor. “Blessed heat. I never thought it would feel so good.”  
  
The Doctor glanced back at them and slowed his pace until he was right in front of them.  
  
“Are you guys okay?” he asked.  
  
They nodded. The Doctor looked at Zonk and then looked back at them.  
  
“I’m so sorry, guys. I didn’t mean for you to stand out there freezing. I didn’t know we were going to have an idiot at the door.”  
  
“It’s alright, Doctor, it’s not your fault,” Rose whispered. “We’ll survive.”  
  
He nodded.  
  
“Better give me back my cape and let me take the leashes. Zonk’s an idiot, but the other people in here might not be.”  
  
They handed the cape back to him, shivering at the slight change in temperature. The Doctor threw the cape over him, fastened it and took the leashes from his companion’s hands.  
  
“Keep your eyes peeled, guys. See if you can see any other slaves while we’re in here,” he muttered.  
  
The three women nodded.  
  
Zonk led them to a closed door. He opened it and they followed him inside. The Doctor stood in front of an old rusty desk while Zonk sat down and laid the clipboard in front of him.  
  
“Is this better?” Zonk asked him.  
  
“Yes, considering my property is out of the cold and not going to die now,” the Doctor replied.  
  
Zonk pulled out the pen, clicked it and looked at the Doctor.  
  
“Now…home planet of origin?” he asked.  
  
“Them or me?”  
  
“You.”  
  
“Rufullia.”  
  
“And them?”  
  
“Well, I got them from a market on Zaxon Seventeen, is that enough?”  
  
Zonk folded his arms in front of him.  
  
“We have a quota system here. We take a set number of women from every single planet in the galaxy. Therefore, I need to know their planet of origin to make sure we do not go over quota.”  
  
“And what happens if you go over quota, the fort explodes?”  
  
“These are the rules I have to follow. Whether or not I’m allowed to deviate from those rules in any way, I’m not sure of that. After all--“  
  
“You normally wash the pots and pans in the kitchen, yes, I got that now,” the Doctor said.  
  
He sighed and turned to the women.  
  
“Um…blonde woman is from…Beta Tarsus, the black woman is from…Elementia, and the red head is from the Martian mining colony. There. Now, are these three under the quota?”  
  
“Yes, they are.”  
  
“Splendid. Now, about payment…”  
  
“Hold on, there’s still more. I need to examine them individually.”  
  
The Doctor grunted when he felt the leashes jerk in his hand. He looked back and noticed the terrified looks on his friend’s faces. He looked at Zonk.  
  
“By examine, what exactly do you mean?”  
  
“I must inspect them.”  
  
“Physically? You don’t mean examine their private parts, do you?”  
  
“I am not permitted to do that. I mean a cursory examination of their outer bodies and teeth.”  
  
The Doctor glanced back and noticed the three women relaxing. He pointed to Rose.  
  
“YOU…FORWARD!” he commanded.  
  
His eyes were reassuring as Rose pretended to meekly step forward. The Doctor stopped her at his side, let go of her leash and transferred the other two leashes to his staff hand. He put his free hand on the small of Rose’s back, comforting her while Zonk came forward and stared at her intently.  
  
“Seems to be in good health,” Zonk said.  
  
“Yes, she is, that’s why I picked her.”  
  
Rose’s eyes widened when Zonk began to squeeze her breasts. The Doctor tightened his grip on his staff, keeping his temper in check. Finishing his examination of her breasts, he ran his hands down her arms, legs and finally looked at her teeth.  
  
“She’s acceptable,” Zonk said. “Now the next girl.”  
  
The Doctor pointed at the floor while Zonk went behind the desk to write in the results.  
  
“KNEEL,” he yelled at Rose.  
  
He winked at her when she lowered herself to the floor beside him. The Doctor took Martha’s leash and tugged on it. She came forward and stood beside him.  
  
“You know, I’m a doctor. I could just tell the man all about me and have done with it,” she muttered to him.  
  
The Doctor chuckled and leaned into her ear.  
  
“Then you’d miss the thrill of having a hairy little nerd put his hands all over you,” he said.  
  
He gave her hand a squeeze and stood by patiently while Zonk came around the desk and examined her. The Doctor kept a watchful eye on him while he made his inspection. He did the same thing he did to Rose and nodded.  
  
“Pass,” he said.  
  
“Hey, you passed the feel up, you should be proud,” the Doctor said as he went back behind the desk.  
  
“I’ll feel even more proud when we free the slaves and get out of here,” Martha muttered.  
  
She went over and knelt down next to Rose while the Doctor tugged on the last leash. As Donna came up, he put his hand on her arm.  
  
“You will restrain yourself,” he whispered to her. “If he touches your crotch, then you can punch him, but other than that, you will do what they did and stand there quietly, got that?”  
  
“Yes, I got it,” Donna said testily.  
  
“Good, just making sure you know that beating him up is out of the question right now.”  
  
Donna rolled her eyes as Zonk came around the desk. She stiffened when he began to feel her up. He did the same cursory examination he did with the others. For the most part, Donna stood there quietly and endured it. The Doctor did grab her arm when he squeezed her breasts and he saw murder in her eyes for a moment. Then, when he got to her head, Zonk put both hands on the sides of her head and forced her to bend down to his level. The Doctor, unsure of what he was doing, tightened his grip on his staff, readying himself in case Zonk was up to no good. But, to his astonishment, Zonk began to run his fingers through Donna’s hair, caressing it and sniffing it. The Doctor stared at him in shock and then looked over at Rose and Martha who were just as confused.  
  
“I’m sorry, what are you doing?” the Doctor finally asked.  
  
“She has red hair,” Zonk said.  
  
“Yeah, so?”  
  
“Red hair is prized throughout the galaxy. I believe this one will fetch you lots of credits.”  
  
“Oh, really? I had no idea redheads were in such demand.”  
  
“Oh, they are.”  
  
Donna’s eyes bulged when he shoved a fistful of hair into his face and snorted in the aroma of it. The Doctor had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Donna’s mouth dropped open when Zonk let out a long, low moan. Rose and Martha slammed their hands over their mouths to keep from laughing when they saw how turned on Zonk was.  
  
“Uh, I wouldn’t recommend doing that,” the Doctor said when he saw Donna was about to deck him. “This one is a handful, trust me. I had to drug her just to get her to come along with me.  
  
Donna’s mouth dropped open when she felt him run his tongue along the rim of her ear.  
  
“Oh God,” the Doctor muttered. “First, she’s gonna kill him and then she’s gonna kill me for getting her into this.”  
  
“You are so beautiful,” Zonk breathed in her ear. “Perhaps, I will purchase you myself.”  
  
“Not on your bleedin’ life!” Donna growled.  
  
The Doctor groaned when Zonk jerked his head back and stared at her in shock.  
  
“I’m sorry, like I said, she’s still got a bit of fire left in her,” the Doctor said quickly.  
  
Donna gasped when Zonk grabbed her breasts from behind and leaned into her ear.  
  
“I don’t mind. I like a bit of fire in my women,” he purred.  
  
“Um…you know, I have a feeling the pots and pans are piling up in the kitchen,” the Doctror said. “Why don’t you go check and you know, we’ll just wait here or possibly find another person to talk to, preferably one who doesn’t go nuts at the sight of red hair…”  
  
“5,000 credits,” Zonk said to the Doctor.  
  
He blinked.  
  
“I’m sorry?”  
  
“I’ll give you five thousand credits right now for this red headed beauty!”  
  
The Doctor gulped when Donna gave him a warning look.  
  
“Um…no, I’m not interested in making personal sales, I’d rather take her to auction and have the crowd bid on her and…”  
  
“Ten thousand credits!”  
  
“No, I don’t want to sell her to you. I’d rather have people bid on her, so I can make the most credits I can and…”  
  
“One million credits!!”  
  
The Doctor paused.  
  
“A million? Hmmm, well, that is quite an offer and I am itching to go back to Garbanzo’s and get me a few more me-sized banana splits…”  
  
“OI!” Donna screamed.  
  
“But, on second though, I better not. I like living too much. So, I’m afraid the answer is still no.”  
  
“Then, I will not accept her.”  
  
“Wait, you won’t accept her because I won’t let you buy her, is that what you’re saying?”  
  
“I just remembered. The quota for Martian mining colony women is at its maximum. I can’t accept her,” Zonk said.  
  
He smiled.  
  
“However, if you want, I can do a little under the table deal and take this one off your hands…”  
  
“NO! N…O…No! That crystal clear to you now?”  
  
“Then, we will have to execute her!”  
  
“WHAT?” Donna yelled.  
  
“You know what? I think I’m done here,” The Doctor said, signaling to Rose and Martha to get up off the floor. “I don’t deal with shady people who do under the table deals. I’ll take my slaves elsewhere. Thanks so much for your time.”  
  
He started to go towards the door when Zonk stepped in front of him.  
  
“Just where do you think you are going?” Zonk said.  
  
“I’m leaving this place and finding a better place to take my slaves.”  
  
“You can’t leave; these girls are now our property.”  
  
“P’eh, that’s what you think. Goodbye!”  
  
“You can’t leave here without surrendering these women to us.”  
  
“Oh yeah, and who’s gonna make me?” the Doctor taunted.  
  
“BONK, GET IN HERE NOW!”  
  
All four of them gasped when a gigantic ox of a man appeared in the doorway and growled at them menacingly. The Doctor stared at his enormous muscular body and looked at Zonk who had a smug grin on his face.  
  
“Bonk here will make you,” he said. “And if I were you, I would just drop those leashes and walk right past him because if you don’t, Bonk will make you wish you were never born.”  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
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	12. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49320) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49320)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=12) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twelve  
  
The Doctor stared at Bonk. Unlike the little shrimp he had been dealing with, Bonk was at least two feet taller than he was. His enormous body filled the door making it impossible to just run past him. However, the Doctor had two things in his possession at the moment, his staff and his screwdriver and he was fully prepared to use both.  
  
Suddenly, without warning, Rose ran right in front of him.  
  
“NO, PLEASE, DON’T SELL ME! I DON’T WANNA BE A SLAVE!” she yelled.  
  
The Doctor was shocked.  
  
“Rose, this is hardly the time or place to make good on that bet you three made,” he said.  
  
Rose leaned in.  
  
“Just trust me, I’m giving you an advantage,” she whispered, as she slowly unfastened his cloak. “Just be ready with the staff.”  
  
“Be careful, he’s huge.”  
  
“Yeah, well I’m clever and I believe brains wins over brawn every time,” she said, grabbing the edge of his cloak in one hand.  
  
“Well, what’s it gonna be?” Zonk said. “Are you gonna surrender your slaves or is Bonk going to have to make you?”  
  
Rose turned holding the cape in her hand.  
  
“I guess Bonk is going to have to make us,” she said.  
  
Before anyone could react, she ran over to Bonk and threw the cape over his head.  
  
“Now!” she yelled at the Doctor.  
  
She ran out of the way as the Doctor raised his staff and brought it down hard on Bonk’s head. Bonk let out a grunt and crashed to the floor, unconscious.  
  
“Well, what’d ya know, I just bonked Bonk on the head,” he said, happily.  
  
Zonk stared at his colleague for a moment and then, with a yell, ran towards the Doctor. The Doctor readied his staff, but before he could do anything, Martha ran up behind him, snatched his helmet off his head and holding the edge swung it around and hit him in the face. Zonk staggered back and the Doctor quickly finished him off with his staff.  
  
“Nicely done, Jones,” he said.  
  
“Yeah, well the Darth Vader look didn’t suit you anyway,” she said.  
  
The Doctor, figuring their cover was blown, pulled off the respirator and threw it off to the side.  
  
“Ah,” he said, rubbing his jaw. “Yeah, I agree with you, Martha. It feels much better without that contraption on.”  
  
“So, now what do we do?” Donna asked. “Do we tie them up in case they wake up again?”  
  
“That would be helpful,” the Doctor said. “You got any rope on ya?”  
  
Rose stared at Bonk and Zonk. She moved towards them and noticed her leash moving as she walked. She stared at it for a moment, looked at Bonk and a smile spread over her face.  
  
“I think I know what we can tie them up with,” she said, picking up the leash and showing it to them.  
  
The Doctor beamed.  
  
“Nice thinking. Okay, everyone, take off the dog collars.”  
  
“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Donna said, unbuckling her collar.  
  
The three women took off the collars. Rose and Donna ran to Bonk and tied the leashes around his wrists and ankles. Martha ran to Zonk. She looked at her leash trying to decide which end to tie. She finally decided on his arms and tied his wrists tightly together.  
  
“He’ll be able to walk, but hopefully he won’t get his wrists untied,” she said to the Doctor.  
  
“Eh, if he does, we’ll handle him. It’s Bonk I’m more concerned about. Anyway, let’s get this lummox further inside, lock the door and see if we can find the rest of the slaves before these two wake up and sound the alarm.”  
  
He ran over and with the help of his companions managed to pull Bonk away from the door. Once they were finished, he grabbed his staff, ushered them out and shut the door. Rose held his staff while he quickly locked it with his screwdriver and then gave it back to him when he was done.  
  
“Okay, let’s get to searchin’” he said.  
  
They ran down the wide corridor throwing open any doors they could find.  
  
“Closet,” the Doctor said as he threw open a door.  
  
He shut the door and tried the next one.  
  
“Office.”  
  
He shut the door and tried the next one.  
  
“Office.”  
  
He kept on going.  
  
“Closet, office, office, bathroom, closet, office, office, kitchen….wow, look at all the unwashed pots and pans sitting by the sink, need to get Zonk in here….anyway, office, closet, office, office, TV room, sauna, office, office, um…bedroom with lots of pornographic pictures of red heads on the wall, must be Zonk’s…office, office, bedroom, closet, bathroom, break room with a bunch of guards sitting around playing poker, office, office, closet…”  
  
“Doctor!” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor paused with his hand on the doorknob and looked where Rose was pointing. The break room door was opening up and the guards were coming out to see what was going on.  
  
“Hello there,” the Doctor said. “I’m looking for the harem or the slave holding room or whatever you call it. Can you guys help us? We’re really in a hurry here.”  
  
The guards whipped out swords from scabbards hanging from their sides.  
  
“No, then?” the Doctor said.  
  
He stepped in front of his companions and twirled the staff around in his hands readying himself for a fight. As the guards advanced on him, Donna looked up and noticed that they were almost under a massive wooden chandelier. She looked at the heavy chain holding it up and suddenly got an idea. Without warning, she ran in front of the Doctor.  
  
“Hey, boys!” she said striking a seductive pose. “Look at me, I’ve got red hair!”  
  
The Doctor paused with his staff in his hands watching as the guards stopped and stared at Donna with uncontrollable lust.  
  
“Yeah, that’s right. I’m ginger,” Donna said, running her fingers through her hair. “I bet you boys want some of this, don’t ya?”  
  
“UH-HUH!” the guards said in unison.  
  
“Yeah, I thought so,” Donna said, flipping her hair around.  
  
The Doctor looked at Rose and Martha while Donna strutted around and fondled her hair. Suddenly, she stopped and looked up.  
  
“My, my, what a big chandelier,” she said. “That’s the biggest chandelier I’ve ever seen.”  
  
She walked over to the Doctor, threw his arms around him and leaned her head back.  
  
“It’s amazing how that little tiny chain can hold up that huge chandelier,” she said. “I’d be afraid that thing would fall and crush all of you.”  
  
She flipped her head back and gave the Doctor a pointed look.  
  
“If I were you boys, I would go find a screwdriver and fix it.”  
  
The Doctor’s eyes widened in sudden realization.  
  
“Donna Noble, you little minx, you are a genius.”  
  
“Tell me something I don’t know, alien boy,” she purred.  
  
She stepped forward, striking a seductive pose while the Doctor whipped out his screwdriver, aimed it at the chain and turned it on. For a moment, nothing happened and then with a sudden SNAP the chandelier fell on top of the guards knocking them to the floor. Donna looked at the Doctor, a smug look on her face.  
  
“See, it pays to be ginger sometimes,” she said.  
  
“Yes, exactly the reason why I want to be one,” he said, bitterly “I keep trying and trying and I don’t get ginger hair.”  
  
“Eh,” Rose said, hugging him from behind, “ginger hair is overrated. I like brown and tousled myself.”  
  
The Doctor paused.  
  
“On the other hand, brown and tousled is good,” he said. “Ginger is very overrated.”  
  
She giggled and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
  
“So, now that the guards are dispatched, shall we continue the search?” he said.  
  
“Ready when you are, fearless leader,” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“I like that, fearless leader. I need to put that on my business cards from now on. But, for now, less talk, more walk. Come on!”  
  
They ran on and the Doctor resumed his open, close door search.  
  
“Okay…office, office…blimey, they have a lot of offices in this place, I didn’t realize slave smuggling had that much paperwork attached to it…bedroom, bathroom, rec room, closet…oh look, big fur coats for all of you, now you don’t have to freeze to death on the way back to the TARDIS. Here you go….everyone got them on now?...good…and now, back to the search…office, office…AH-HA!”  
  
He flung open a door and looked into a large room that had multicolored satin pillows covering every inch of the floor.  
  
“Either this is the satin pillow room or...it’s the harem.”  
  
He leaned his head in and cursed when he saw it was empty.  
  
“And…either the slaves are all on their break or…there’s no slaves here, at the moment. Drat, I suddenly have a bad feeling the only three slaves on the premises are you guys.”  
  
He closed the door and leaned against it.  
  
“We can’t keep this up forever, our luck’s gonna run out. Eventually, Zonk or Bonk or those guards are gonna recover and come after us and if we get too deep into the fort, we might not get back out alive. On the other hand, if there are slaves in here I don’t want to give up the search and…”  
  
“Oh, Doooooooooooooctor!”  
  
The Doctor paused and looked across the room. Rose was standing in front of an open door staring back at him.  
  
“Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeees?” he said to her.  
  
“Could you come here a moment, my darling little Doctor?”  
  
“Why, my precious little Rose?”  
  
“Just come and look, I think you’ll find the contents of this room quite interesting.”  
  
The Doctor leaned up. He, Donna and Martha walked across the hall. Rose stepped aside and the Doctor leaned his head into the door. He blinked in surprise when he noticed the whole room was filled with explosives.  
  
“Lookie, my darling little Doctor, I found the ka-boom room,” Rose said, sweetly “You wanted the fort put out of commission, didn’t ya?”  
  
The Doctor grinned. He grabbed Rose by the arms.  
  
“Come here, you big furry thing, let me give you a, you are the most brilliant woman in the universe kiss.”  
  
“Oi, I thought I was the most brilliant,” Donna said.  
  
“Eh, it changes from moment to moment depending on my mood,” the Doctor shrugged.  
  
He gave Rose a big kiss on the lips.  
  
“Okay, everyone, let’s get this room set up and then let’s go pay our good friend, Zonk another little visit, shall we?”  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Zonk groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He looked all around and noticed Bonk was still unconscious.  
  
“Bonk, Bonk, wake up!” he said.  
  
He tried to move his arms and cursed when he realized his wrists were tied. Slowly, getting to his feet, he moved towards the door.  
  
“I swear, if I find that slave hunter, I’m gonna wring his neck,” he said.  
  
He turned around, grabbed the doorknob with his hand and tried to turn it. He cursed when it wouldn’t open.  
  
“HEEEEEELP!” he screamed.  
  
He breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the door unlock and saw the doorknob turn.  
  
“Oh thank the gods, someone heard me,” he said.  
  
His relief was short lived when the door was flung open and the Doctor strolled in.  
  
“Oh! It was you calling for help!” he said. “I never would have guessed. With that high pitched voice of yours, I figured it was a woman.”  
  
“You! You’ll pay for this! No one crosses me and gets away with it!”  
  
The Doctor smirked as he stared at his shrimpy little body.  
  
“Call me crazy, but somehow I don’t quite believe that,” he said.  
  
“You listen to me, this instant!”  
  
“No!” the Doctor said in the most authoritarian voice he could muster. “You listen to ME!”  
  
Zonk instantly shut up when he noticed the Doctor meant business. The Doctor smiled.  
  
“Thank you. I love it when people cooperate with me, makes a big difference in how quickly things get done. Now…I am only going to tell you this once, so listen up. I found your little room of explosives and I rigged it so this fort goes sky high in twenty minutes. Now…considering what you and your ilk have been doing here, I have every right to just walk right out the door with my friends and let the stone walls come crashing down on top of you, but I’m going to give you a chance. You have less than twenty minutes now to get everyone out and get them to safety.”  
  
Using his screwdriver, he burned through the leash binding his wrists.  
  
“Rose, do the same for Bonk here while I finish talking,” he said, handing it to her.  
  
Rose took the screwdriver from him and squatted down beside Bonk.  
  
“Now, this place is going to be razed to the ground and if you know what’s good for you, you’ll tell all your buddies not to rebuild it. In fact, you’ll tell everyone to dismantle your little slave trading operation because if I have to come back and stop you again, you will live to regret it.”  
  
Rose finished burning through the leashes and handed the screwdriver back to the Doctor.  
  
“I know you don’t know who I am, but trust me, I’m the last person you want on your case, so heed well my words. Now, get everyone out before you all die.”  
  
He smiled.  
  
“Bye now.”  
  
He turned and he and his companions quickly ran for the front door as Zonk ran for the alarm button.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
They were almost to the TARDIS with the explosion came. The four of them spun around and watched as a massive fireball threw parts of the fort high into the sky. The Doctor scanned the area around the fort and noticed a large group of people standing nearby watching it. He looked, but as far as he could tell, there were only men standing there.  
  
“Looks like there weren’t any women in the fort after all,” he said to them. “I guess they moved them all before we came.”  
  
“Unless they left them in there and let them die,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor shook his head.  
  
“I doubt that. They would have lost a lot of credits that way. They would be fools to just let those women sit there and go up with the fort.”  
  
“Do you think this is an end to the slave trading ring?” Rose asked.  
  
“It will be once I put in an anonymous call to the galactic patrol,” the Doctor said. “I want to make damn sure that no one is able to rebuild this place or move elsewhere.”  
  
He watched the last of the falling rubble.  
  
“Well, team, back to the old TARDIS,” he said, turning.  
  
“Good, we can finally get out of these leather nightmares we’re wearing,” Donna said.  
  
“Oh, come on, they aren’t that bad. They actually show off your bodies in a nice way,” the Doctor said, as they resumed walking. “Maybe if you wore that, you’d actually find a date, Donna.”  
  
“No, sorry, I keep telling you, I’m not interested in dating E.T’s,” she said.  
  
The Doctor stared at her.  
  
“And you don’t think Earth men would find that sexy?”  
  
“Yes, that’s the problem. I want to find a nice man, not a horny, slobbering pervert.”  
  
“Oh now, nothing wrong with a horny, slobbering pervert. It’s fun to have someone hanging off of you, worshipping your body. Observe.”  
  
Rose gasped when he grabbed her roughly. She laughed when he stared at her with wide-eyes and breathed heavily on her face. He looked at Donna.  
  
“Now, see, what’s so bad about all that?”  
  
Donna shook her head and walked away.  
  
“Sometimes it’s hard to believe you are this great big alien genius, the way you act,” she said as she walked.  
  
“What? I’m just showing you that having a stalker drooling on you is not all that bad, Donna!” he said, as Rose and Martha bent over laughing. “I do this kind of thing all the time to Rose and she doesn’t seem to mind.”  
  
“Yeah,” Donna said, looking back at him. “Well, no offense, but Rose is also into dating aliens from outer space.”  
  
“Yeah, she has great taste in men, so what’s your point?”  
  
Donna threw up her hands and kept on walking to the TARDIS. The Doctor looked at Rose and Martha.  
  
“Now see, you guys think I’m attractive. You think I’m cute as a button, don’t ya?”  
  
“Yup,” Rose and Martha said.  
  
The Doctor got between them and put his arms around them while they followed Donna back to the TARDIS.  
  
“See, Donna’s problem is she hasn’t figured out that I’m God’s gift to the universe and if she’ll just find someone exactly like me, her dating problems would be completely eliminated. Like you, Martha, you found a doctor who’s warm and cute and cuddly and smart, just like me. You figured out that if you want to find the perfect mate, pick someone like me. Cause let’s face it, you just can’t get any better than yours truly. Am I right?”  
  
“Yup,” Rose and Martha said, nodding.  
  
The Doctor sighed as both women snuggled up against him.  
  
“Someday, my girls, someday…we’ll show Donna the light,” he said. “In the meantime, you just keep on snuggling up against me with those warm, soft fur coats. Keep me all warm and snuggly and happy, that’s the secret to getting along with me, you know. Just keep me warm and snuggly and happy and I’ll do anything you want, as opposed to getting up in my face, calling me a dunce and shrieking at the top of your lungs. That tends to do the exact opposite….most of the time. I mean, let’s face it, Donna can be intimidating when she wants to be and you know, most of the time I let her have her way just to keep the peace. But…I can put my foot down and be the boss when I want to, you two do know that, don’t you?”  
  
“Yup!” they said in unison.  
  
The Doctor smiled.  
  
“Yup, that’s what I like about you two; you’re smart enough to know who’s really in charge.”  
  
They giggled as the Doctor squeezed their shoulders and kissed them on the cheeks. Reaching the door of the TARDIS, he let go, unlocked it and ushered them all inside. A few minutes later, the familiar wheezing started and the TARDIS slowly vanished into thin air.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	13. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49822) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=49822)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=13) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   


Author's Notes:

Spoilers for season four in some spots.  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Thirteen  
  
“Oh, Lord, how much longer is this gonna take?” Donna said to Rose and Martha.  
  
They had landed on a planet called Sophiclia. A world filled with brilliant thinkers and philosophizers. The Doctor told them that he visited her once in awhile to converse with some of the wisest people in the universe. He also told them that the planet was beautiful and they could go explore the Greek style structures while he was engaged in debate. They agreed to it figuring they could take in the sights. Unfortunately, they soon found out that there really wasn’t that much to see. All the buildings were like gigantic museums, silent and polished and forbidding and everyone they saw seemed to be clumped together in groups of four or five having heated philosophical debates. It didn’t take long for the three of them to become bored out of their skulls and so, they walked back to the TARDIS and waited for the Doctor, who was several feet away from it, to finish debating with an old man in a white toga.  
  
They waited and waited and waited and still, the Doctor sat there arguing with the old man. The three women rolled their eyes.  
  
“When is he gonna stop?” Martha asked.  
  
“Wanna bet it won’t be for several more hours?” Rose replied.  
  
The three women groaned. Finally, Donna threw up her hands.  
  
“Stay here, guys. I’ll get him to leave,” she said.  
  
She walked towards the Doctor.  
  
“But if there was no beginning to the universe,” the Doctor was saying. “Then, how did it come about? Everything must have a beginning.”  
  
“Not necessarily, my friend,” the old man said. “There are many things in existence which have had no beginning and which have no end. The universe was always here and it will always be here.”  
  
“No, trust me, it won’t. I’ve been to the year one hundred trillion and the universe was ending, so the universe does end at some point.”  
  
“Nothing ever truly ends, Doctor. The universe will simply become something else. Matter can never be destroyed, it can only change form.”  
  
“Excuse me,” Donna said, tapping the Doctor on the shoulder.  
  
The Doctor looked up at her.  
  
“Oh, come to join in our debate?” he said, happily.  
  
“Uh, no, I’ve come to tell you that we’re all ready to go now,” she said.  
  
“Well, I’m not. I’m in the middle of a debate, so the three of you will have to wait until I’m finished.”  
  
“Well, how long is that gonna take?”  
  
“It’ll take as long as it takes for me to finish. The three of you won’t die of boredom, trust me. If you can’t find something around here, then go in the TARDIS and go watch the telly or something. I don’t do this often, so I don’t wanna rush things. This is something I enjoy doing, so please respect that and let me finish.”  
  
Donna sighed.  
  
“Fine, just let us know when it’s time to go,” she muttered as she turned around.  
  
“Excuse me, my dear, what is your name?” the old man asked.  
  
Donna turned around.  
  
“Um…Donna. Donna Noble,” she said.  
  
“Pleased to meet you, Donna Noble. I am Metacellcius.”  
  
“Nice to meet you, now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to the TARDIS and wait…”  
  
“May I ask you a question, Donna Noble?” Metacellcius said.  
  
She paused.  
  
“Um…okay.”  
  
“Who are you?”  
  
She frowned.  
  
“I’m Donna.”  
  
Metacellcius smiled.  
  
“And what is Donna?” he asked.  
  
Donna gave him a confused look.  
  
“What is Donna?” she said.  
  
“Yes, what do you mean when you say, I am Donna. Who are you?”  
  
“I’m Donna.”  
  
“But what is Donna?”  
  
Donna threw up her hands.  
  
“Look, been nice talking with you, Metacellcius, but I’m really not up for this. This is more the Doctor’s thing, so I’ll leave you two alone.”  
  
“You do not understand the question?”  
  
“Uh…no, I don’t get the whole what is Donna question.”  
  
“It means, who are you really,” the Doctor said. “Who is Donna? Donna is just a name, a label, who are you beyond the label of your name? Who are you?”  
  
Donna thought for a moment.  
  
“I’m a woman,” she said, shrugging.  
  
“What is a woman?”  
  
Donna frowned.  
  
“A female, like me,” she said, pointing to herself.  
  
Metacellcius smiled.  
  
“What is a female?”  
  
Donna raised her eyebrow.  
  
“Blimey, you really don’t get out much, do you?”  
  
“What do you mean when you say I am a woman or I am a female? What makes you, you?” Metacellcius said, patiently.  
  
“Um, I’m human. I have red hair. I’m female, I’m…the Doctor’s companion, I was a temp…”  
  
“But who are you?” Metacellcius said.  
  
Donna threw up her hands.  
  
“I don’t get this whole inquisition thing. I’m going back to the TARDIS now.”  
  
“Sit down,” the Doctor said. “I’ll tell you what he means.”  
  
He called out to Rose and Martha and told them to come and sit beside Donna. He waited until they had done so and then cleared his throat.  
  
“I want all of you to hear this because what he’s getting at is important,” the Doctor said. “What he is trying to get you to do, Donna, is get beyond the labels that you have put on yourself or society has put on you and see who you really are. Most of the things you have said have been labels that you have called yourself or that others have called you and labels both define a person and restrict them. The wrong kind of label can limit a person’s potential and trap them in a life that is meaningless and unfulfilling. For instance Donna, you call yourself a temp, even now you call yourself that and that is a label that both you and others have put on you to keep you from seeing the true you. I know for a fact that you are more than just some ordinary run of the mill temp. You are far better than that. But, it took me looking past that label and showing you what you were really made of before you could see it too. You see? You define yourself as a temp and that’s all you’re ever gonna be in life. When you say you’re a woman, what do you mean by that? Do you mean you’re a housewife, a mother, a wife, a…prostitute, a…stripper, what does being a woman mean to you? Because if you think as a woman as being a wife and mother, then you’re gonna live your life according to that perception, you see? Your name is also a label and it’s very easy to hide behind that just like you can for any other label. You can go around and tell people I’m the Doctor’s companion or I’m a temp but that’s only what your role is or what role others have given to you. Who are you deep down inside past all the labels? See?”  
  
Donna nodded.  
  
“I see what you’re getting at,” she said.  
  
“Okay, then back to Metacellcius’s question, who are you?”  
  
Donna glanced at her friends.  
  
“You’re talking about my personality, right?”  
  
“Yes, your true personality, your true hopes and dreams, everything inside that makes up the real you. Not what someone else says you are or what society says you should be, who do you think you are, all of you? Because, believe me, this is not limited to you, Donna. Every one of you came into my TARDIS carrying a suitcase filled with untrue labels. Labels that thankfully got stripped away when you saw what you could really do and what you were capable of.”  
  
The three of them were silent.  
  
“Look, let me help you,” the Doctor said. “Rose. When Rose came on board my TARDIS, she was carrying the labels of lower middle class and shop girl. No one thought she would amount to more than working an average low paying job, living in a council estate and being a wife and mother like her mum was. No one ever encouraged her to be more than that because no one thought she could rise above her station in life. No one took her aside and asked her what she really wanted to do in life, everyone just assumed she would find a job, raise a family and grow old on a limited income. That’s the girl that came into my TARDIS. Over time she came to see that she was more than that. Most of the things that she and society and her family and friends had told her were not true. By the time she was trapped in the parallel world, she had grown into a confident, independent, funny, compassionate, loyal friend and ally. And, being alone in the other universe without me and working at Torchwood stripped off even more labels and now when I look at her, it’s like she’s a completely different person from the one I met in Henrick’s. The same for Martha. Martha was supposed to just be a medical student who would finish her degree, go on to be a doctor and quietly raise a family. But, more than that, she was also expected to be the peacemaker in the family as well as listen to everyone else when they needed to vent, am I right?”  
  
Martha nodded.  
  
“So you see, that’s the label her family put on her. Her function was to keep the peace and be the sounding board whenever someone wanted to let off steam. She was supposed to be level-headed, responsible, don’t rock the boat type of personality. And that’s the woman that came in the TARDIS. Dependable, logical, sensible Doctor Martha. You, yourself, said it when we met her during the Sontaran invasion. You said, I turned her into a soldier. I didn’t turn her into anything; she did that on her own. Like Rose, she traveled with me and saw what she was really capable of and saw that she could handle anything that was thrown at her. And, she learned to improvise. She learned that sometimes you can’t do things in a logical way especially if you’re trying to confuse an enemy who has more intelligence than you do. That year that she wandered the Earth, she learned to depend on herself rather than me or other people. All of that is what turned her into the so-called soldier, Donna. I merely gave her the opportunity to shine, that’s all I did. Now, as for you…”  
  
He chuckled.  
  
“Let’s just say that when I first met you, I was less that thrilled that you were in my TARDIS.”  
  
“Well, I wasn’t too happy myself. I’d just been sucked into the middle of deep space.”  
  
“Yes, and I’d just got done saying goodbye to Rose, so I wasn’t too pleased when you started jumping down my throat and bellowing at me to take you to Chiswick. In fact, that whole first encounter with you was none too pleasant, but even then, there were hints of change in you, not a lot, mind you. But just a teensy hint of the true you came out. Which is why I did offer to take you with me. But, you declined and I went on my way and met Martha. Now, time passed and we met up again and this time you wanted to come. Well, one of the reasons I was hesitant about taking you back was because you acted so unpleasant the first time.”  
  
“But you took me back because you were lonely.”  
  
“No, I took you back because I remembered seeing that inkling of the real you and knew that there was more to you than the screechy temp. I could have gone and gotten anyone, Donna. But, I chose you because I was willing to give you a chance. And boy, was I right on the nose. When I first met you, Donna, you were self-absorbed, egotistical, judgmental and selfish.”  
  
“Oi!” Donna said.  
  
She thought a moment.  
  
“No, you’re right. I was,” she admitted. “And now I’m not?”  
  
“Oh, there’s still a tiny bit of that left in you,” he said, as Rose and Martha giggled. “But, along comes Pompeii and you are out there during the eruption running to save people, screaming at them to get to safety, badgering me to save everyone when I couldn’t and then when I was leaving, you got in my face and screamed and begged for me to go back and save someone. In that moment, Donna, I saw the true you. The one that does care if people are suffering. You showed it to me again when we were with the unprocessed Ood. The tears that fell down your face when you heard their song of captivity. The way you comforted the dying Ood that was lying in the snow. And I saw your intelligence, Donna, when you argued that the Ood have to be peaceful because they carry their brains in their hands. I saw it again when we were on Messaline and you figured out what the numbers meant before I did. I saw it when we were in UNIT headquarters and you found the sick log with no records in it and you also showed me how courageous you are when you went outside the TARDIS on the Sontaran ship and risked your life to help me. Now, apparently you do have Wilf who is able to see all that, God bless em, but you had to get away from your mother just like Rose did, in order to see yourself as you really are. You three have become more than what you or anyone else thought you could be and it’s all because I was willing to take a chance and show you your true potential. That’s one of the other reasons why I take on companions, not just to show them the universe, but also to show them their true selves and it’s always a joy when I see someone who has low-self esteem and no confidence in themselves rise to the challenge and become a true hero. And without fail, it has happened to everyone who has ever traveled or been around me for any length of time. There’s you three and then there’s Mickey, who went from being a bumbling idiot to being a Dalek and Cyberman fighter. There’s Jack who went from being a selfish privateer to being the leader of a team dedicated to fighting evil. Sarah Jane went from being an average journalist to being a brave, selfless woman who fights alien threats and has also become a devoted mother. Jackie went from being a screechy, selfish face-slapping harpy to…not so much a screechy, selfish, face-slapping harpy and the biggest change of all…Pete Tyler went from being dead to being alive. See? I’m a miracle worker.”  
  
He grinned when the three of them laughed. He looked over at Metacellcius.  
  
“Sorry about this, but I really had to get this out in the open, so they’d understand what you were talking about.”  
  
“You are doing fine, my friend. Don’t worry about me,” he replied.  
  
The Doctor nodded.  
  
“Well, anyway, the point of all this was to know who you are deep down inside, not what everyone thinks you are. It’s what Socrates meant when he said, an unexamined life is not worth living and what Plato meant when he said, know thyself and what Descartes meant, I think therefore I am. You have to get down deep inside and find out who you are and what you can do in order to live up to your true potential and find your real destiny.”  
  
His eyes widened when Donna threw her arms around him.  
  
“Well, thank you, alien boy for putting our lives in utter jeopardy so we would know ourselves.”  
  
The Doctor grinned when she gave him a hug. Rose and Martha looked at each other, got up and did the same. The Doctor smiled at Metacellcius.  
  
“I’m loved,” he said to him.  
  
Metacellcius smiled.  
  
“Then you are one of luckiest men in the universe, Doctor.”  
  
“Yup, don’t I know it? And, on that note, I suppose I will get going. It’s nice to chat, but there are things to see and people to talk to and dungeons to languish in and we can’t do that if I’m sitting on my bum, so until next time, take care.”  
  
“You too, my friend. All of you take care.”  
  
All of them stood up and turned towards the TARDIS.  
  
“Come on, all this philosophizing has made me hungry. Let’s go get some chips.”  
  
The three women nodded and they followed the Doctor into the TARDIS.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	14. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50398) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50398)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=14) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Fourteen  
  
“Rose, Martha, Donna?” the Doctor said, walking down the corridor. “Are you guys around here? I just had a fabulous idea and I want your opinions on it.”  
  
He stopped when he heard an earth shattering howl coming from the den.  
  
“Blimey, I didn’t even say what the idea was yet,” he muttered.  
  
He entered the back door to the den and noticed that The Princess Bride was playing on the television while Rose, Martha and Donna sat on the sofa watching it.  
  
“Oh God, I hate when he dies. It’s so sad,” Rose said, glancing at Martha and Donna.  
  
They nodded and the Doctor saw them put some popcorn in their mouths. He put his hands in his pockets and stood behind them while they talked quietly to each other about the movie.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
Fezzik and Inigo stood beside the wooden table and stared down at Wesley’s body.  
  
“The Montoya's have never taken defeat easily. Come Fezzik, bring the body.”  
  
“The body?”  
  
“Have you any money?”  
  
“I have a little.”  
  
“I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.”  
  
“Now see, we’d never have this problem,” Martha said to her friends, “because the Doctor would have regenerated and gotten back up.”  
  
“Yes, which means unlike them, we wouldn’t have to drag his body around the forest looking for some old geezer in a tree,” Donna added, “or whatever Miracle Max lives in.”  
  
“Yes, but knowing our luck, the Doctor’s regeneration would screw up or he wouldn’t regenerate and we’d have to carry his dead carcass anyway,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor raised his eyebrow, but said nothing. Donna giggled.  
  
“Yeah and of course, if it were like the movie, Rose would be locked in some castle somewhere, which means we’d be doing all the work.”  
  
“Isn’t that always the way, anyway?” Martha said. “It seems like all of us end up doing the bulk of the work because the Doctor gets trapped in some pit or dungeon and has to have his loyal companions come bail him out.”  
  
The Doctor folded his arms over his chest while he gave Martha a dirty look.  
  
“Where's that bellows cramp. He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.”  
  
They watched as he put the end of the bellows into Wesley’s mouth.  
  
“He's dead. He can't talk.”  
  
“Ooooohhh! Look who knows so much, eh! It just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead.”  
  
“So, is that what regeneration is?” Donna said. “Mostly dead, but slightly alive?”  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes when the three of them giggled.  
  
“Hey! Hello in there! Hey! What's so important? Whatcha got here, that's worth living for?”  
  
Max pushed on his chest.  
  
“Rooooooooose’s….Raaaaaaaaack!” Martha groaned.  
  
The three of them snorted out laughter.  
  
“Yes, and that’s exactly what he would say too,” Donna said. “Wouldn’t be saying, true love, it’d be something dirty and obscene about Rose.”  
  
“Now, come on, I think he would say true love,” Rose said.  
  
“No, I like what I said better,” Martha said.  
  
They laughed.  
  
“Liar!! Liar!! Liarrrrrrr!”  
  
And if the Doctor were in here watching this, he would now be making a joke about your mum,” Martha said to Rose.  
  
“Yes, I would,” the Doctor muttered under his breath.  
  
Donna looked at Martha.  
  
“So, if this were real life, me and you would be standing there in the middle of the woods in Grandpa Elf’s house trying to get a piece of chocolate, so the Doctor could wake up and save Rose who is about to marry someone with an obscene sounding name.”  
  
“And unlike Buttercup, I wouldn’t just sit there in a room going, woe is me, where’s the Doctor? I would have worked out a way to escape and kicked Humperdinck’s ugly butt on top of it.”  
  
“But, then you would be deprived of the Doctor commenting on your perfect breasts,” Donna said.  
  
Rose snorted.  
  
“Sorry, but I’d be out of the castle waaaaay before then. I wouldn’t have stood there at the wedding going; my Doctor will come for me. I would have kneed the bastard in the balls and ran from the room.”  
  
The Doctor slammed his hand over his mouth to keep the laughter in.  
  
“Bye bye, boys!”  
  
“Have fun storming the castle!”  
  
“Think it will work?”  
  
“It would take a miracle.”  
  
“Buh-bye!”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“I can just see Jack and Ianto saying that bit,” she said.  
  
They giggled and grabbed more popcorn.  
  
“Now see,” Donna said, pointing at the screen. “That’s exactly what would happen if this were me and Martha. The two of us are dragging the Doctor along because he was stupid enough to get himself captured and killed.”  
  
The Doctor glared at her.  
  
“I'll beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!”  
  
“Yeah,” Martha said, “and that right there would be the beginning of the Doctor saying, I can do this all on my own. I don’t need you two to help me, how dare you wake me up before my brilliant brain figured out a way to revive myself.”  
  
“So, kill me again right now, so I can handle it, that’s an order!” Rose said in a deep voice.  
  
They laughed.  
  
“Why won’t my arms move?” Rose added in the deep voice. “Why won’t my body work? What have you two done to me? Honestly, I can’t find good help nowadays!”  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes when they howled with laughter.  
  
“And our assets?”  
  
“Your brains, Fezzik's strength, my steel.”  
  
“That's it? Impossible. If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something. But this...”  
  
“Hold on!” Donna said in the deep voice. “I just remembered I have a small toy mouse in my pocket. We can use that!”  
  
They laughed.  
  
“You did notice though that he said your brains and not MY brains. Now, that bit really is fantasy!” Martha said.  
  
“No, with him, it’s my brains, my strength and my screwdriver and toy mouse. You lot just carry me to the battlefield, prop me up and be my human shields,” Donna replied.  
  
“Except,” Rose said, “it would all be a waste of time because I would have been out of the castle and waiting for you guys. You come up to the castle; I would have been sitting there saying, what took you so long? Then, of course, I’d want to know why he’s dead.”  
  
“And then we’d say, remember that big, howling, sissy scream you heard earlier?” Donna said.  
  
They laughed while the Doctor shook his head.  
  
“Which is another thing the Doctor wouldn’t do. He wouldn’t howl like that. He’d be going, THAT ALL YOU GOT? GIVE ME MORE! I CAN WITHSTAND ANYTHING!” Martha said. “COME ON, YA PANSIES, TURN UP THE SUCTION, SO I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL IT! And then, he’d let out this big, long maniacal laugh and suddenly keel over.”  
  
“And then,” Donna said. “He’d wake up and say, see…told you I could withstand it.”  
  
“I do not marry tonight. My Wesley will save me.”  
  
Gee, Rose, sure you wouldn’t stay in the palace, just so you can say stuff like that to Hump-a-dick?” Donna said.  
  
“Yeah and go through the mawwiage, so you can say more stuff like that to him?” Martha added.  
  
“Hmmm, it’s tempting. Plus, straddling the Doctor on the bed and hearing him go, GENTLEEEEEE!”  
  
They bent over laughing.  
  
“Oh yes, here it is, the wedding scene,” Martha said.  
  
They looked at each other and said in unison…  
  
“Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.”  
  
The Doctor bit his lip to keep from laughing.  
  
“Okay,” Martha said to Donna after they got through laughing. “Who is who here? Which one of us gets to wear the cloak and be set alight?”  
  
“Knowing my luck, it’d be me,” Donna said. “After all, everything’s probably based on seniority in the TARDIS and I’m the lowest on the totem pole, so I suppose I’d be standing in the wheelbarrow being a human bonfire while you two pushed me.”  
  
“No, I’d be the one doing the pushing. The Doctor would be slumped up against me giving orders. That would be his job. As highest on the totem pole, he would be the mouthy, dictatorial dead weight, I would be doing the grunt work, you’d be the human barbecue scary ghoul person and Rose would be the damsel in distress with the perfect breasts that must never be damaged.”  
  
They snorted out laughter.  
  
“Your Wesley is dead. I killed him myself.”  
  
“Then why is there fear behind your eyes?”  
  
Okay, now that is something you would say, Rose,” Martha said. “Only you’d add, ha ha my Doctor’s coming to get you, nyah, nyah, nyahnyah, nyah!”  
  
“And then, I’d do a little victory dance around him or something,” Rose replied.  
  
“Grab some pom-poms, do a little cheer,” Donna added.  
  
They giggled.  
  
“Give me a D!” Rose said, throwing her arms up in the air.  
  
The Doctor once again had to fight to keep from laughing.  
  
“Actually, I’m sure the Doctor would prefer to rescue you in a skimpy cheerleader’s outfit rather than that big long dress Buttercup has on,” Donna replied.  
  
“Or nothing at all,” Martha added.  
  
“Yeah, nothing at all. That way he can see the perfect breasts better,” Donna said.  
  
They ate some popcorn.  
  
“Oh yeah,” Donna said through a mouthful of popcorn, “definitely, right here, this is something we’d end up doing. Dragging the Doctor down the hall while he just barely makes an effort to move.”  
  
“And of course, being lowest on the totem pole, you’re the one carrying him,” Martha added.  
  
“Yes, and knowing the little git, he’d be able to walk, but he’d make it harder on me just because he feels like being a lazy arse.”  
  
“Mm-hmm,” the Doctor said, quietly.  
  
“But, then again, if Rose was in mortal danger. I’m sure he wouldn’t want to do anything that might put her in even more jeopardy,” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor’s mouth dropped open when Rose let out a humongous snort.  
  
“No offense, Martha, but are we talking about the same Doctor right now?” she said as they giggled. “Cause if you think that, then let me tell you about the time I almost got my head cut off because he was busy partying with the French! And like I said before, her walking with the old guy back towards the room? Well, screw that. I’d push the geezer down and run. I wouldn’t walk along with him going; the Doctor didn’t come for me. I’d be going and finding him! And I wouldn’t be saying, I must go and commit suicide because he didn’t come. I’m sorry, but after traveling with the Doctor, I keep thinking about how much of a wimp Buttercup really is. The woman is completely useless. Just sits there or stands there and lets things happen to her. When Wesley was fighting the R.O.U.S, she just stood there gawping at him and didn’t lift a finger to help. I mean, it must be true love because a man like the Doctor would have left her in the Lightning Sand.”  
  
The Doctor smiled proudly at her.  
  
“Oh, here we go, the breasts comment,” Donna said, pointing.  
  
They smiled at each other and chanted…  
  
“There's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. T’would be a pity to damage yours.”  
  
They giggled when Buttercup climbed on top and began to kiss him.  
  
“Now, that is something I would do to him,” Rose said.  
  
They grinned at each other and said in unison…  
  
“GENTLEEEEEEEEE!”  
  
They fell over laughing while the Doctor grinned and rolled his eyes.  
  
“And now, while Inigo is fighting the count, there would be this whole snog session going on up above,” Donna said.  
  
“And I suppose, it would be me doing this whole pulling the knife out of the belly and fighting the count thing since you’re the other guy?” Martha said to Donna.  
  
Donna snorted.  
  
“Yeah, because you’re off fighting the count and rose is up snogging the Doctor, that leaves me to go out to the stable and find transportation. Because, being the lowest on the totem pole, I’m the official Doctor carrier and horse wrangler.”  
  
“Yup, you are, Donna Noble,” the Doctor said under his breath.  
  
“Ah, and now we’re back to the Doctor/Rose make out session.”  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“Yeah and in the Doctor’s eyes, getting married would be a humongous sin. Please forgive me, Doctor. Why, what have you done? I got married. UGH, GET AWAY FROM ME THEN, YOU REEK OF DOMESTICITY! I DON’T WANT YOUR DOMESTIC COOTIES ALL OVER MY NON-DOMESTIC BODY! GET OFF ME!”  
  
They howled with laughter.  
  
“And this whole fake out thing where the count is standing there and he knows it, but he doesn’t let on. That’s very Doctor,” Rose said as the other two nodded.  
  
“What about the whole to the pain thing?” Martha said. “I can see him threatening it, but would he ever do it?”  
  
Rose and Donna looked at each other.  
  
“I don’t know. I wouldn’t put anything past the guy,” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor stared at her in shock.  
  
“I hope he wouldn’t do it, but you never know with him,” Rose added.  
  
The Doctor stared at her.  
  
“I mean, his last life, he was all gung-ho about killing a dalek even after it had given up and he killed the leader of the Sycorax without a second thought. But, being that sadistic to someone and leaving them crippled…I don’t think he’d go that far.”  
  
“Not even if someone had hurt or crippled you?” Donna asked.  
  
Rose thought.  
  
“I don’t know. I really don’t. I’ve seen the Doctor do a lot of things, so I really don’t know what he would do if I were crippled or even died. It scares me to think he might go berserk and be cruel to someone like that.”  
  
“Maybe we should move on then and forget about it,” Martha said.  
  
The other two women nodded.  
  
“I saw the prince's stable, and there they were, four white horses.”  
  
“I had to wade through piles of horse shite and got kicked in the stomach several times, but here they are!” Donna said.  
  
They laughed.  
  
“And the Doctor would never let Rose go first. He’d be going, OUTTA MY WAY and jump before we could stop him,” Martha said.  
  
“Yeah, and then he’d land right on me and I’d be dead and he’d go, oh, did I kill you, I’m so sorry, my bad.”  
  
“But being dead is no excuse!” Rose said in a gruff voice. “Get up and get on your horse, so you’ll be around the next time I need carrying.”  
  
Martha laughed.  
  
“Hey, Martha, you wanna be a pirate? And I’d go, arrr, arrr, ARRR! And then he’d say, no, don’t, don’t do that,” she said.  
  
They laughed.  
  
“They rode to freedom. As dawn arose, Wesley and Buttercup knew they were safe. A wave of love swept over them. And as they reached for each other...”  
  
“Martha and I reached for the vomit buckets and we spewed and spewed….”  
  
All of them bent over laughing as the Doctor grinned at them.  
  
“Naah, it's kissing again. You don't want to hear that.”  
  
“Too right I don’t wanna hear it, Gramps. The last thing I want is to see the Doctor and Rose sucking on each other like two Hoovers.” Donna said.  
  
They laughed. When the movie finished, they let out contented sighs.  
  
“Love this movie so much,” Rose said.  
  
“Yup, me too. One of my favorites,” Martha said.  
  
“Too bad alien boy wasn’t in here to share it,” Donna said.  
  
“ON THE CONTRARY!”  
  
They all screamed when the Doctor slammed his hands down on the back of the couch. He grinned at them.  
  
“I was in here, actually. I had a great idea and I wanted to share it with you, but you were watching the movie and making fun of me, so I decided to just stand back here and listen. That way I know how the three of you reeeeeeeeeally feel about me.”  
  
“Doctor, we were just joking,” Rose said. “You know we didn’t really mean any of it.”  
  
“Of course I know it…my perfect breasts with a body attached. After all, that’s how I see you, right? Breasts with legs that must never be damaged?”  
  
He looked at Donna.  
  
“And just for the record…yes, you are in charge of carrying me and finding horses. That is your sole function. Well…that and being a human bonfire while I…how was it put…am dead weight on Martha?”  
  
He grinned at Rose.  
  
“And yes, Rose dear, Miracle Max’s wife is your mum. Hate to say it, but that’s exactly how Jackie acts. And believe me, it took all I had not to speak up right then and say something. But, anyway, movie time’s over, now it’s pay attention to me time.”  
  
Donna looked at him and looked at the others.  
  
“You got Little Shop of Horrors, right?” she said to Martha. “Let’s put it in and…”  
  
She gasped when the Doctor grabbed a hold of her hair and leaned over into her face.  
  
“What did I just say?” he said, sweetly.  
  
“That it’s time to pay attention to you?” Donna replied.  
  
“Mm-hmmm, which means it’s not time to pop in another DVD.”  
  
“Yes, but what if we don’t care about this idea of yours?” she said.  
  
“Then, you will sit quietly and listen since you are the lowest person on the TARDIS totem pole and have no real rights to speak of.”  
  
She flipped him off when he let go of her hair and leaned back up.  
  
“Besides, my idea is lots more fun than a silly, mind-numbing movie,” he said to them.  
  
“And that idea is…” Martha said.  
  
He beamed.  
  
“I propose we go get Jack, Gwen and Ianto and have ourselves a 1980’s dance party. What do you say? All in favor raise their hands, except for Donna the temp; she has no vote yet until she takes a bullet in the chest for me.”  
  
He snickered when Donna slapped the back of his head.  
  
“Anyway, all in favor say, aye!”  
  
They looked at each other and smiled.  
  
“Aye!” they all said in unison.  
  
“Brilliant! Then, let’s go get things set up and go get Jack and company for a night of feasting and partying!”  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
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	15. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50550) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50550)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=15) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Fifteen  
  
Donna and Martha were so excited. After agreeing to the ‘80’s dance party, the three of them went into the rec room where they had held the Doctor’s birthday party and began to fix things up. Rose helped for awhile until the Doctor called for her to come to him. Since then, Martha and Donna had been working alone.  
  
“Wonder where Rose went?” Donna asked.  
  
Martha rolled her eyes.  
  
“Probably went off for a make out session with the Doctor,” she said.  
  
“No, actually, we were doing a makeover, not a make out.”  
  
They looked over when Rose came into the room. Their eyes bulged out of their heads when they saw her hair. It was teased, crimped and bright purple.  
  
“Like it? It’s for the party tonight,” Rose said.  
  
“Wait, you actually got your hair dyed purple?” Donna said.  
  
“No, the Doctor has a machine that can change the color of your hair to any color you want. I’ll change it back to blonde when the party’s over. But, guys, you should see what the Doctor looks like. He’s gone for the whole ‘80’s look. It’s hilarious.”  
  
She walked over to Martha.  
  
“He told me to tell you that if you want your hair altered, then meet him in the beauty salon.”  
  
Martha frowned.  
  
“Where’s that at?”  
  
“I’ll show ya. But, Donna, if you want to do it too…”  
  
“No, thanks, I’ll keep my hair the same. I’ve already lived through the bad ‘80’s fashions once without subjecting myself to it again.”  
  
“Just askin’. But, come on, Martha, I’ll take you down to the beauty salon and then I’ll be back to help Donna finish up for the party.”  
  
“Is he going to get Jack and Ianto and Gwen?” Donna said.  
  
“Yeah, after he finishes with us, he’ll go up to the console room and land the TARDIS. He just wants our looks to be a surprise for them. He’s already asked the TARDIS to do what we did before and just land right on them, so they’ll be in here for the party. But, I’ll be right back, promise. Come on, Martha, you’ve gotta see the Doctor.”  
  
They ran out the door while Donna finished putting chairs in place in front of the tables. She grinned when the TARDIS teleported huge bowls of crisps, dip, sodas and sandwiches onto the tables. Grinning, she reached in, grabbed a crisp and munched on it while she sat plastic cups in front of the bottles of sodas.  
  
Her head jerked up when she heard Martha’s howling laughter coming from somewhere in the TARDIS.  
  
“Oh blimey, now I wonder what the Doctor looks like,” she muttered.  
  
Rose came back in a few minutes later carrying a stereo in her arms and giggling hysterically.  
  
“Did you hear Martha?” she asked.  
  
“Yeah, I did,” Donna said. “What’s he done to himself?”  
  
“You’ll see.”  
  
She helped her set up the stereo on another table and plugged it in.  
  
“Doctor’s got a bunch of CD’s he’ll bring in before the party starts,” Rose told him.  
  
Suddenly, Martha burst into the room.  
  
“Ta-da!” she said.  
  
They turned and laughed. Martha’s hair was teased up with red highlights.  
  
“Oh my God, I love your hair like that, Martha, it’s so cute,” Rose said.  
  
Martha smiled.  
  
“Thanks,” she said. “I do too, actually. I always wanted to get my hair colored, but I never had the guts to do it. I kinda like it.”  
  
She walked over to Donna and put her hands on her shoulders.  
  
“Go in there and get your hair done,” she said. “It’s worth it just to see the Doctor.”  
  
“Yeah, do it, Donna. Martha and I will finish up. Just go look at him.”  
  
“Okay, you guys talked me into it. I’m going,” Donna said.  
  
She followed Rose out of the room while Martha finished setting up. They went through several corridors before coming to an open door.  
  
“Doctor?” Rose called out.  
  
“Yes?” they heard him say.  
  
“We convinced Donna to get her hair fixed too.”  
  
“Bring her in then.”  
  
Rose and Donna stepped into the room and Donna’s mouth flew open while she stared silently at the Doctor.  
  
“Something wrong, Noble?”  
  
Donna was completely in shock. The Doctor had colored his hair bright pink, had on eyeliner and was wearing a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket, sequined glove, parachute pants, sequined socks and Reeboks. He giggled at Donna’s expression.  
  
“Why, Donna, you seem surprised to see me like this,” he said as Rose bent over laughing.  
  
“Too right I am. What have you done to yourself? You look like someone put you in a blender, threw in a bunch of bad ‘80’s fashions and hit the mix button. God, you look incredibly bizarre right now and I’m so glad this isn’t your normal look.”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“Hey, if it’s the ‘80’s, I gotta look the part,” he said.  
  
“Well, you most certainly do, trust me.”  
  
“Well, come on then and get your vintage ‘80’s look,” the Doctor said, patting a salon chair. “How about we go with a bright blue Mohawk?”  
  
“How about not?” he said as Rose laughed. “How about you just color my hair something and have done with it?”  
  
“You don’t want a Mister T Mohawk?”  
  
“No, I don’t want a Mister T Mohawk. Changing my hair color will be enough for tonight.”  
  
“Ah, you’re no fun, Donna. But, if that’s all you want, hop in the chair.”  
  
Donna glanced at Rose and walked over to the chair. She sat down in it while the Doctor lowered a metal dome over her head.  
  
“What color?” he asked.  
  
“Not shocking pink, that’s for bloody sure,” she said, glancing at the Doctor’s hair.  
  
“I think you should turn it blue and white,” Rose said.  
  
“What, like half and half?” the Doctor said.  
  
Rose giggled.  
  
“Yeah, half blue and half white, right down the middle.”  
  
The Doctor looked down at Donna.  
  
“Your thoughts?” he said to her.  
  
“I think you’re off your rocker, but I guess that’s not what you meant,” Donna said.  
  
She sighed.  
  
“Okay, blue and white then,” she said.  
  
“How about blue and silver?” the Doctor said.  
  
“Yeah, fine, just change it.”  
  
The Doctor grinned.  
  
“How about every color in the universe?”  
  
“No, blue and silver will do just fine, thanks,” Donna said as the Doctor and Rose laughed.  
  
The Doctor used a little keypad on the side of the dome and programmed the instructions in. Once he was finished, he pushed a button, there was a flash and he raised the dome up. Both he and Rose giggled at her blue and silver hair. The Doctor gave her a hand mirror.  
  
“Oh…my…God,” she said as they laughed harder. “I can’t believe you guys talked me into this. I look hideous!”  
  
“No, you look great,” the Doctor said. “Very ‘80’s. Now, if you want to go even further, I believe I have a Jennifer Beals Flashdance outfit you can wear. Just let me go to the Wardrobe Room and…”  
  
“No, this will do for tonight,” Donna said, jumping up. “If I let you have your way, I’ll be looking like Adam Ant for the rest of my life. Just let me and Rose get back and finish helping Martha fix the room.”  
  
Have fun, I’ll be fetching team Torchwood then and then we can get the shindig under way!”  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“Man, pizza again?” Jack asked, when Ianto entered the Hub control room with two pizza boxes in his hands. “We’ve gotta find somewhere else to get our food. I’ve eaten so much pizza working here; I’m surprised I’m not pooping pepperoni now.”  
  
Ianto set the boxes down on a desk, opened them and the three of them reached in for a slice. They stood together, eating and talking when suddenly all three of them heard the familiar sound of the TARDIS.  
  
“The Doctor’s coming here?” Jack said, looking around. “Oh my God, I wonder what’s up? I…”  
  
He sighed when he realized the TARDIS was landing around them again.  
  
“I wish he wouldn’t do this,” Jack said to his friends. “It’s very annoying.”  
  
The TARDIS finished materializing around them and they noticed they were back in the rec room. Their eyes widened when they saw Rose, Martha and Donna standing in front of them.  
  
“What the hell happened to you three?” Jack said. “Were you chasing a monster in a paint factory and got electrocuted at some point?”  
  
“We’re having a 1980’s dance party and the Doctor decided to invite you guys,” Martha said.  
  
The Torchwood members looked at each other.  
  
“Yup, this idea has the Doctor’s name written all over it,” Jack said. “So, I take it the freaky looks are a part of it.”  
  
“Yup and if you want to look just as bizarre, the Doctor can fix that for ya,” Rose said.  
  
“No, thanks, I’m not a fan of LSD-induced dye jobs,” Jack replied.  
  
“Oh, this isn’t permanent. The Doctor has a machine that changes you hair into any color you want and then change it back again.”  
  
“Are you sure it’ll change back?” Ianto asked.  
  
“Yeah,” Jack said, “you sure the Doctor didn’t say that just so he could change your hair permanently and have a big laugh about it?”  
  
“He better not or I’ll shove his eyeliner pencil in his eyes,” Donna replied.  
  
Jack paused.  
  
“Wait, did I just hear you say eyeliner pencil in reference to the Doctor?” he asked.  
  
The three women giggled and nodded.  
  
“Oh, Jesus, where is he? This I gotta see,” Jack said, looking around.  
  
“I’m right here, Jack.”  
  
They turned when the Doctor came in the door. Jack, Gwen and Ianto’s mouths dropped open when they saw him.  
  
“You have got to be kidding me,” Gwen said.  
  
“PINK? You colored your hair pink?” Jack said.  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“I don’t mind pink. It’s a pretty color.”  
  
He grinned when Jack put his head in his hands.  
  
“Oh God, you have done some idiotic, strange things since I’ve met you, but this takes the cake right here,” Jack said.  
  
“You can get your hair done too; just say the word and I’ll take you all to the hair coloring machine.”  
  
“Not me, I like my hair the way it is, thanks,” Gwen said, holding up her hand.  
  
“Ah, come on, Cooper. Where’s your sense of adventure?” the Doctor said. “It’s not permanent. Come on, live a little.”  
  
Gwen looked at Jack.  
  
“I double, triple, quadruple dare ya,” he said to her.  
  
“Why? So you can take a picture of it?”  
  
Jack shrugged.  
  
“I’m getting it done and so is Ianto.”  
  
“Excuse me? When was that decided?” Ianto said.  
  
He grinned at his lover.  
  
“The moment I thought you would look cute with blue and silver hair like Donna has.”  
  
Ianto looked at Donna.  
  
“Not in a million years, Jack,” he said to him.  
  
“Come on, Jones. Like the Doctor said, live a little. I’m getting mine colored green, after all.”  
  
Ianto stared at his hair.  
  
“Green?” he said to him.  
  
“Yup, day-glo green.”  
  
“Okay, then I will be on the other side of whichever side you’re on the entire party,” Ianto replied.  
  
“No, you’re not. You both are going with me to get your hair colored and that’s an order!”  
  
“What if we don’t want to?” Gwen said.  
  
“Tough, I’m the boss and what I say goes. This is a chance to have fun and let loose for a change and if everyone else was brave enough to change their hair, we’re gonna do it too. So, follow the Doctor, so we can get the party started!”  
  
The Doctor snickered when Gwen and Ianto sighed and followed Jack.  
  
“Green, nice choice, Harkness, “the Doctor said as he led them out of the room.  
  
“Hey, if you can go pink, I can go green and Ianto can go silver and blue.”  
  
The three companions laughed when they heard Ianto say, I’m not coloring my hair silver and blue, Jack! Looking at each other, they began to eat some of the food while they waited for everyone else to return.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
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	16. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50575) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=50575)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=16) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Sixteen  
  
Despite Ianto’s protests, he walked back into the room with silver and blue hair. Jack grinned.  
  
“I’m very persuasive when I want to be, plus I promised Ianto we’d do something extra special tonight if he did it. Gwen back here was gonna grab a bag and put it over her pretty powder blue hair, but I said no,” he said, hooking his thumb back at her.  
  
“I can’t believe I went through with it,” Gwen mumbled. “I’m so glad Rhys isn’t here to see this. He’d kill me.”  
  
“I think he’d be quite taken with the whole sky blue doo,” Jack said. “It’s not the worst thing he’s seen since we let him in on what we’re doing.”  
  
The Doctor walked into the room with an armload of CD’s  
  
“Blimey,” he said, stopping short. “Look at everyone. We need a group picture now.”  
  
“NO!” Donna, Gwen and Ianto said in unison.  
  
The Doctor grinned and carried the CD’s over to the stereo. On the way over, he stopped short when he noticed a desk.  
  
“Um…where’d this come from?” he asked with wide eyes.  
  
“That…is the desk we were standing by when you decided to be cute and land on top of us,” Jack said.  
  
“Oh…you guys got pizza? Great, I’m in the mood for some pepperoni. Thanks for pitching in, Jack!”  
  
“Think nothing of it, Doctor,” Jack said while Gwen and Ianto laughed.  
  
The Doctor dropped the CD’s down by the stereo. He grabbed the one off the top, put it in and hit the play button. He began to dance when Beat It started playing. He boogied over to Rose and took her hand.  
  
“Let’s party!” he said.  
  
He and Rose began to dance while everyone joined in.  
  
“So, Doctor, speaking of Michael Jackson, where’d you get the jacket?” Jack called to him.  
  
He grinned.  
  
“From the man himself.”  
  
“Get out of here.”  
  
“No, it’s true. I also gave him the idea for this,” he said, showing him the glove.  
  
“Oh really, how?” Jack said.  
  
“Well,” he said, sniffing. “I was on my way to have tea with him and I was in the Wardrobe Room trying on different outfits and I picked up a pair of trousers from the floor and a little sequined glove was stuck to the back. I walked out and when I was walking past Michael the glove dropped off, landed at his feet and the rest is history.”  
  
“Oh, bullshit, Doctor,” Jack said as everyone laughed.  
  
“It’s true! And I taught him how to do the Moonwalk.”  
  
“You did not,” Jack said.  
  
“I did too. Why do you think it’s called the Moonwalk? The dance move originated on the moon! I learned it from a race of aliens that live deep within the moon. They taught it to me and I taught it to him.”  
  
“Okay, then do the Moonwalk,” Jack said.  
  
The Doctor looked at Rose and shook his head.  
  
“No one ever believes me when I tell them these things,” he said. “Okay, stand back everyone and prepared to be awed.”  
  
They stood back and watched while the Doctor executed a perfect Moonwalk. Then, he spun around and grabbed his crotch while he pointed.  
  
“Satisfied now, Harkness?” he said when everyone applauded.  
  
“Just never know when you’re being serious,” Jack said.  
  
“Yeah? Well, I could say the same about you,” the Doctor replied, taking Rose’s hand.  
  
“Breakdance for us now,” she said.  
  
The Doctor stared at her.  
  
“Breakdance?”  
  
“Yeah, do some breakdance moves since you know how to do the Moonwalk.”  
  
The Doctor looked around and noticed everyone was watching him expectantly.  
  
“I don’t know how to breakdance. I never had the desire to learn any dance move that would make me look like I was having a grand mal seizure. So, sorry to disappoint you.”  
  
“Stand back, everyone, the breakdance master is in the house,” Jack said.  
  
The Doctor stared at him.  
  
“You…know how to breakdance.”  
  
“I know how to do the Windmill and the Worm.”  
  
“And…how does knowing two moves make you a master?”  
  
“Because I am,” Jack said, smugly.  
  
Rose snickered while the Doctor folded his arms over his chest and gave him a pointed look.  
  
“Well?” he said when Jack stood there. “Make with the moves, master!”  
  
Jack motioned for everyone to stand back. He squatted down on the floor, put his hands on the ground in front of him and stopped.  
  
“Oh yes, that was dazzling. I don’t know why I ever doubted you, Jack,” the Doctor said.  
  
“Just…give me a second, alright?” Jack replied when everyone laughed.  
  
Everyone stared at him waiting for something to happen.  
  
“What’s this, the bullfrog?” the Doctor said.  
  
“I’m trying to remember how to do it,” Jack said, testily.  
  
“I thought you were a breakdance master,” the Doctor said.  
  
Jack flipped him off.  
  
Then, slowly, Jack swung his leg around and let out an “oof” when he lost balance and landed on his ass.  
  
“What was that move? The I Fallen And I Can’t Get Up?” the Doctor said as everyone laughed.  
  
“I haven’t done the moves in two decades, give me a break.”  
  
“I haven’t done the moonwalk in two centuries and yet, I could do it perfectly. What’s your excuse? Getting slow in your eternal old age, are you? Or…are you the one who’s full of bullshit?”  
  
Jack stood up.  
  
“I don’t have the right clothes on,” he said.  
  
The Doctor pointed out the door.  
  
“I have a Wardrobe Room that has almost every article of clothing ever made. You want me to take you to it so you can get changed, I’ll be more than happy to…”  
  
“No, that’s fine. I’ll just save myself the embarrassment and let you gloat instead.”  
  
“Thanks, Jack, that’s very kind of you.”  
  
He grinned when Jack flipped him off and walked over towards Ianto. The Doctor put his arms around Rose as Spandau Ballet’s True started to play.  
  
“Well, thanks to that, we’ve missed a bunch of songs now. It’s a good thing Jack gave up; otherwise we might have gone through several CDs waiting for the master to wow us with his breakdancing skills.”  
  
Rose put her hand on the back of his neck while they swayed to the song.  
  
“And of course, you were able to do your move perfectly,” she said.  
  
“Yes, I was, because unlike macho man braggart boy, I put my money where my mouth is.”  
  
He looked over at Jack who flipped him off. He flipped him off in return. Jack flipped him off again and the Doctor obliged him with another obscene hand gesture.  
  
“Could someone please tell me why it is that the two oldest people in the room are acting like the youngest?” Donna called out.  
  
The Doctor and Jack flipped her off. She flipped them off.  
  
“Gee, Donna, you must be immature too since you’re joining in now,” the Doctor said.  
  
“I’m just briefly lowering myself to your level, so you can better understand me,” Donna replied.  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes. He looked at Rose who flipped him off.  
  
“What’re you doing that for?” he asked.  
  
Rose shrugged.  
  
“Because I can,” she said.  
  
“You’re going the right way for a smack bottom with that kind of behavior,” the Doctor said.  
  
He grunted when Jack ran over and slammed into his backside.  
  
“Can I have a smack bottom too while you’re at it?”  
  
“NO!” he yelled as everyone laughed.  
  
“I’m just saying, if you’re in the mood to smack asses, I wanna be first in line,” Jack said, walking back to Ianto.  
  
“When I decide to start artificially upping people’s IQs, then I’ll be sure to let you cut in front of the queue, until that day, you can get smack bottoms from Ianto there.”  
  
Jack gave his lover a hopeful look.  
  
“Not here,” Ianto said.  
  
Jack pouted and sighed while he embraced him and slow danced.  
  
Rose hugged the Doctor tightly and put her chin on his shoulder. She sighed, taking in his familiar scent while the Doctor rubbed her back. She looked out and noticed that Martha and Donna were talking to Gwen by the table. All three of them were giggling and nodding and eyeing the Doctor. They noticed Rose’s confused look and put their fingers to their lips. Wondering what was going on, Rose remained silent and watched while they each got some ice out of a wooden ice bucket and began to creep over to him. Her eyebrow rose when she watched them position themselves with their hands hovering just above his trousers. Then, suddenly, they grabbed his waistband and shoved the ice down his pants. They ran off laughing hysterically while the Doctor screamed and spun around.  
  
“I’ll get you all for that and don’t think I won’t!” he yelled as they bent over the table laughing.  
  
He looked at Jack who was snickering.  
  
“Um…correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the woman with the light blue hair is one of yours. Aren’t you supposed to rein her in and prevent her from putting ice down my trousers?”  
  
“Well…that’s the trouble. I never have been able to make Gwen mind; she’s a very willful woman when she wants to be.”  
  
The Doctor looked at Rose who was snickering.  
  
“Et tu, Tyler?” he said, putting his hands on his hips.  
  
“I didn’t know what they were doing,” she said, innocently.  
  
“Um…apparently, they were hovering around my trousers like a trio of vultures with ice cubes in their eager hands. You didn’t think that was strange?”  
  
Rose gave him an innocent look and said nothing.  
  
“Seems my childlike trust in you has been shattered into tiny pieces,” the Doctor sighed. “I guess there’s just no relying on anyone these days.”  
  
“Aaaaah, my poor Doctor, how can I make it up to you and restore your unyielding faith in me, your devoted companion?” Rose said, stroking his cheek.  
  
The Doctor thought.  
  
“Wander over in a sort of northerly direction towards the snack table and procure me a ham and cheese sandwich and a small glass of Coke with a couple of cubes of ice. Bring these to me without complaint and all shall be forgiven.”  
  
“Yes, my Doctor,” Rose said, bowing.  
  
Jack watched while Rose walked over, fixed a small cup of Coke, put two ice cubes in it, grabbed a ham sandwich and walked back.  
  
“Damn, Doctor, you got Blondie trained,” he said when the Doctor took the food and beverage from her hands.  
  
The Doctor took a bite of the sandwich and a sip of the Coke.  
  
“It is satisfactory. You are forgiven,” he said to Rose.  
  
His eyes widened when Rose fell to her knees and prostrated herself before him.  
  
“Oh thank you, merciful one,” she said as the other women howled with laughter. “I am pleased that I have served you faithfully yet again! You are the sun and the moon and the stars, my master!”  
  
The Doctor took a bite of the sandwich.  
  
“Keep going,” he said through the mouthful of food when Rose stopped speaking.  
  
He was shocked when Martha and Donna ran to Rose’s side and fell to their knees in worship. Gwen bent over laughing as the three of them fawningly proclaimed the Doctor’s magnificence.  
  
“Okay, Ianto, Gwen, on your knees! I need to be adored too!” Jack said.  
  
Ianto snorted.  
  
“Sorry, I’m not in the mood to grovel. I’m getting a sandwich. You’re on your own, Jack,” he said, walking away.  
  
“Get back here, Jones and pay homage to me! The Doctor is not the only one who has companions! I need lip service paid and paid now!”  
  
“So did you catch the match the other night?” Ianto said to Gwen, ignoring Jack completely while he grabbed the sandwich.  
  
“Yeah, good game I thought,” Gwen replied, munching on a nacho.  
  
“HEY, OVER HEEEEEEEEERE! FEARLESS LEADER NEEDS RESPECT AND ADORATION FROM HIS TWO UNDERLINGS! GET OVER HERE AND GET YOUR FACES ON THE FLOOR!” Jack screamed while everyone laughed.  
  
They ignored him. Jack looked at the Doctor who was giving him a smug grin while his three companions lay face down on the floor and proclaimed to all through their laughter that they were scum compared to the Doctor.  
  
“Yup, I know how to choose my assistants well,” he said to him. “Guess it takes more than being a poster child for the Time Agency to be a great and charismatic leader, huh? Guess the Oncoming Storm inspires more awe and reverence than the Face of Boe. Guess Time Lord trumps immortal guy every time. But, don’t feel bad; if you work hard and use a mind control device of some sort, you might gain the kind of fawning obedience I engender in my team.”  
  
Jack flipped him off. The Doctor flipped him off. Jack flipped him off again.  
  
“Oh, Christ, we’re back to this now,” Ianto said as everyone laughed.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
“That was a fantastic evening,” Jack said as he, Gwen and Ianto stood by the doorway. “Unfortunately, I couldn’t convince Ianto or Gwen to keep the hair coloring.”  
  
“Well, you didn’t keep yours either,” Gwen said.  
  
“Yes, well, I’m the leader. I have to look dignified and professional when I go talk to the police.”  
  
Gwen and Ianto looked at each other.  
  
“I’m not touching that one,” Ianto said.  
  
“Neither am I.”  
  
Everyone embraced each other and the Doctor opened the door and stepped aside as they picked up their desk and carried it out.  
  
“Oh,” Jack called back. “Next time, don’t land on us. It’s a pain in the ass getting this back out the door.”  
  
“Will do!” the Doctor said.  
  
They waved at each other and the Doctor closed the door behind him.  
  
“Now,” he said, slapping his hands together. “Back to the open road!”  
  
“And back to the beauty salon so I can get my hair changed back,” Donna said.  
  
The Doctor pouted.  
  
“Aw, I like your hair that way. It’s very pretty. You sure you wanna change back?”  
  
“I have never been so sure of anything in my whole entire life. So, once the TARDIS is airborne, take me back there and fix it.”  
  
The Doctor shrugged.  
  
“You?” he asked Rose. “Don’t tell me you’re going to get rid of the lavender locks?”  
  
“Um…sorry, but I really like my hair the way it was, but it was fun having it this way for a night.”  
  
The Doctor looked at Martha.  
  
“And I suppose you’ll be changing back as well?”  
  
“Actually, I kinda like the red highlights. I might keep it this way for awhile.”  
  
The Doctor beamed.  
  
“Well, at least someone appreciates my handiwork,” he said. “Okay then, into the vortex and then into the hair salon and then onto bed for the three of you, I suppose.”  
  
“What about you? You gonna change back?” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor grinned.  
  
“Oh, hell no, I’m not going outdoors with you looking like a foppish nightmare,” Donna said.  
  
“Fine, you can go back home then if you don’t wanna be seen in public with me!”  
  
Donna grinned and flipped him off. The Doctor returned the smile and flipped her back. Rose and Martha looked at each other and joined in, laughing as everyone flipped everyone else off. Then, with a sigh, the Doctor put his arm around Rose and led everyone back to the beauty salon.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	17. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=52259) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=52259)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=17) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Seventeen  
  
Rose, Martha and Donna sat side by side on the sofa watching television. It was another slow day, so the Doctor decided to make some repairs on the console while they rested.  
  
“I’m hungry,” Donna said.  
  
“Yeah, so am I,” Rose replied, nodding.  
  
“Wonder if there’s anything to eat in the kitchen?” Donna asked.  
  
Rose made a face.  
  
“Nah, I don’t want something from the kitchen. I feel like pizza or something. Maybe we can go up the console room and ask the Doctor to go somewhere where we can get some?”  
  
“Do you wanna do that? Because I don’t want miss what’s going on,” Donna said. “Normally, I am willing to go and do something during a program, but not during Eastenders.”  
  
“Well, I’m the same way. I don’t wanna miss a moment either,” Rose said.  
  
“What about you, Martha?” Donna asked.  
  
“Nope, not till the show’s over.”  
  
“Yeah, but I’m hungry now,” Donna said. “I wish there was some way we could tell the Doctor to go get us pizza without moving.”  
  
“We could yell,” Rose said.  
  
Martha suddenly got an idea and an evil grin spread over his face.  
  
“Leave it to me, girls. I know just what to do,” she said.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The Doctor lay underneath the console, cheerfully whistling as he fixed a few loose wires. As he worked, he suddenly heard a mobile ringing. Frowning, he lowered his sonic screwdriver.  
  
“What the hell?” he muttered.  
  
He slid out from under the console, stood up and stared at the compartment that housed Martha’s mobile. He stared at the hole in complete confusion.  
  
“Wait a minute, why is that ringing? Martha’s on board,” he muttered.  
  
He thought for a moment and then groaned.  
  
“Oh God, she gave Jack the number,” he said. “Well, if she did, this better be important. I don’t have time to put up with Jack’s lewd comments.”  
  
He walked over, hit the button and grabbed the mobile when it popped out. Opening it up, he hit the talk button.  
  
“Yes?” he said.  
  
His eyes widened when he heard a bunch of giggles and some shushing coming from the other end.  
  
“Hello?” he said.  
  
He heard someone clear their throat.  
  
“Yes,” Martha said as Rose and Donna giggled in the background. “Good day, driver, my companions and I are famished and we would like two large meat lovers pizzas. If you would be so kind as to steer the ship towards the nearest pizza establishment and get us what we crave, we would be most grateful.”  
  
“And tell him to get some sodas too,” he heard Rose saying.  
  
“Yes, and get sodas and breadsticks with garlic butter. Now go, sally forth, and get your loyal assistants some grub.”  
  
The Doctor rolled his eyes when he heard all of them giggle hysterically.  
  
“I’m so sorry, the driver is detained at the moment because he is repairing the ship lest it break down and strand us in the middle of the vortex for all eternity. I regret that I cannot obey your order and go fetch like some kind of hunting dog; perhaps you could go to the kitchen and look through my well-stocked pantry for something to ease your hunger pangs. Good day and thank you for flying TARDIS airlines.”  
  
He hung up the phone, dropped it on the console and walked back to where he had been lying. Just as he reached it and crouched down, the mobile rang again. He glared at it and with a sigh, stood up and answered it.  
  
“Yes?” he said, testily.  
  
His eyes widened when he heard heavy breathing coming from the other end.  
  
“Hello there,” Rose said in a husky voice. “What are you doing?”  
  
The Doctor sighed.  
  
“I am repairing the console, Rose.”  
  
“Oooo, what are you wearing while you repair the console?” she purred.  
  
“I’m wearing my usual all-purpose brown pin striped suit.”  
  
“Mmmm, and what color is your underwear under the pin striped suit?”  
  
“Rose, go find something to do and leave me alone!”  
  
He hung up the phone, dropped it on the console and shook his head when he heard hysterical laughter coming from somewhere in the back. Grumbling, he sat down and slid back under the console. As he picked up his sonic screwdriver, he heard the mobile ring again. Rolling his eyes, he ignored it while he worked on the wires. He gritted his teeth when the mobile continued to ring.  
  
“QUIT IT!” he screamed at the top of his lungs.  
  
He breathed a sigh of relief when the ringing stopped.  
  
“Those three need to get a bloody hobby of some kind,” he muttered to himself.  
  
As he worked, his blood pressure slowly dropped and he was soon back to his cheerful warbling. Then, suddenly, he noticed three pairs of legs standing by the console.  
  
“I am not getting up to get you pizza right now, so don’t bother asking,” he said as he concentrated on the wires.  
  
He sighed when the three women slid under the console beside him.  
  
“Guys…”  
  
“We’re just coming in here to keep you company,” Rose said.  
  
“Yeah, Eastenders is over with and we wanna see what’s going on out here,” Martha added.  
  
“I’m working on the console; does that satisfy your curiosity?”  
  
“Why? Is it gonna explode?” Rose asked.  
  
“No, it just needs a bit of tweaking.”  
  
“And you can’t let up on the tweaking for five minutes to go get us a pizza?” Donna said.  
  
“No. I want this done and done now, so I’m not working on it all bloody night. Now, can you guys let me finish my work in peace, please?”  
  
“Fine, we’ll talk amongst ourselves then,” Martha said.  
  
“Then can you talk somewhere…”  
  
“So, anyway,” Martha said to Donna. “You were saying about you and Nerris?”  
  
“Well, I rung Nerris and she wanted to go to the cinema with me and I said I couldn’t because I was traveling,” Donna said as the Doctor let out a sigh. “And she said, traveling? With who, your grandad? And I said, no, no, a man. And she said, oh really, what does he look like? And I said, well, he’s tall and skinny with beady eyes that bore into ya and give ya the creeps.”  
  
The Doctor eyed her, but Donna ignored him.  
  
“So, then she says, well, are you dating him? And I said, don’t be daft, I’m not dating him, we already did that. I’m married to him now.”  
  
Martha and Rose fought to keep from laughing when the Doctor’s eyes nearly popped from his head.  
  
“And, she said, you’re married? And I said, yes, but it’s not your typical marriage because I’m really the third of three wives. He’s Mormon, you know. And it’s kinda awkward because I have to share him with two other women, but we managed to work it out. His principle wife, Rose, gets him on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. His second wife, Martha, gets him on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I get him on the weekend, so it works out.”  
  
“You better not have been telling people this, Donna Noble,” the Doctor growled.  
  
Donna ignored him.  
  
“And she said, well, what’s your husband’s name and I said, I don’t know. And she said, you don’t know and I said, yeah, well he calls himself the Doctor, but you know, Doctor’s not a proper name, for all I know, he was called Skippy at birth and he’s trying to hide it.”  
  
Rose and Martha bit their lips when the Doctor gave Donna a look at death.  
  
“And she said, well, if I were you, I’d beware of a man like that and I said, really, why? And then she said, well, if he’s hiding his name, he could be on the run from the law, you know, like a serial killer or something. For all you know, he seduced you and convinced you to marry him, so he can kill you and collect the insurance money and I said, you know, you could be right, I mean the man does have a huge ship and there is a laboratory on board. I bet he lures women in and when their guard is down, he snatches them, takes them to his lab, slits them open and pulls out their guts as they die.”  
  
“Yes, Donna, that’s the reason I asked all of you to travel with me, so I could perform vivisections when you least expect it.”  
  
“And I said to Nerris, you ever see that movie Hannibal where Hannibal cuts open the guy’s head, cooks his brains and feeds it to him? I said, what if that’s what the Doctor wants to do to us? What if one night we go to bed and when we wake up, we’re strapped to a chair with a plate of gray stuff in front of us and the Doctor feeds it to us while we lose all our memories and become a complete vegetable?”  
  
“Excuse me,” the Doctor said as the three women laughed. “But, is there a point to this idiotic ramble of yours? Because if there isn’t, I want you three to leave me alone, so I can get this repair job done.”  
  
“I’m just saying, you never tell us your name, so how do we know you aren’t Freddy Krueger in disguise?” Donna said.  
  
“Believe me, if I am, you’ll be the first one I come after,” the Doctor replied. “Now could you please let me finish this and I promise once I’m done, I will get all of us pizza.”  
  
Donna and Martha considered that and nodded.  
  
“Okay, but we’re holding you to that,” Donna said.  
  
“Trust me, after all this I would be a fool not to get you pizza. Now please leave me alone.”  
  
Donna and Martha slid out from under the console and walked out of the room. The Doctor eyed Rose who was still lying beside him.  
  
“I believe when I said leave me alone that meant you too,” he said.  
  
“You never answered my question.”  
  
“What question?”  
  
“What color is your underwear?”  
  
The Doctor sighed.  
  
“Rose, I have no time for this.”  
  
“I just wanna know,” she said softly as she scooted closer to him. “Come on, Donna and Martha are gone now, you can tell me.”  
  
“Rose…”  
  
“Please,” Rose said, giving him the look.  
  
The Doctor stared at her. He knew he should resist the look. He tried very hard to resist. He tried with all his might, but it was no use. He sighed.  
  
“White boxers,” he mumbled.  
  
“Thank you, that helps me in so many ways.”  
  
“Helps you with what?”  
  
“Imagining you,” she said with a wink.  
  
The Doctor raised his eyebrow when she gave him a kiss on the cheek.  
  
“And now, I’ll leave you to your work, just remember to get us that pizza when you’re done,” she purred.  
  
The Doctor watched as she slid out from under the console and walked off.  
  
“Imagining? Why would she want to imagine my boxers?” he muttered.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
“Human females are a strange species. Seven hundred years of dealing with them and I still haven’t figure them out.”  
  
He mentally shrugged and turned his attention back to the task at hand.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	18. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=72437) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=72437)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=18) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Eighteen  
  
The Doctor was in a silly mood. He and his three companions had just battled the Ice Warriors and were resting up before their next adventure. The three women had gone into the living room to watch TV while the Doctor chose to read in his library. But he soon became bored and his bored mind began to think of mischief and pranks he could pull on the women in his life. He thought about what would be the most fun to do and then a smile slowly spread over his face. He glanced up at his ship and told her his idea. The TARDIS rumbled, nudged his mind and telepathically agreed to be his partner in crime. Knowing his ship was on his side, he then hurried off to find his three victims.  
  
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX  
  
The three women sat side by side on the sofa enjoying Eastenders when suddenly the Doctor hurried into the room, waving his arms around frantically.  
  
“Doctor, what is it?” Rose said.  
  
The Doctor pointed to his mouth.  
  
“What about it?” Donna asked.  
  
He opened his mouth but instead of English an incomprehensible language spilled out. The three women stared at him in silent confusion.  
  
“What?” Donna finally said.  
  
He held up his finger and then dug inside his pocket. He took out a pen and a pad of paper and jotted down a note. He handed it to Rose and Donna and Martha read it with her.  
  
The TARDIS translation circuits are malfunctioning. Therefore, I cannot speak to you in English as I normally would. I must write down what I’m saying because you will only hear my native Gallifreyan until I can repair it.  
  
The three women were taken aback.  
  
“Hold up, you mean all this time you’ve been speaking Gallifreyan and the TARDIS has been translating it into English for us?” Martha asked.  
  
The Doctor nodded.  
  
“You don’t know English?” Martha said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
The Doctor jotted down another note and passed it to them.  
  
Not well enough to have a full conversation with you.  
  
“Okay, so you’re just gonna write notes until this translation circuit is fixed, yeah?” Rose asked.  
  
The Doctor nodded. He wrote another note and gave it to her.  
  
Sorry. This is all I can do at the moment. I just wanted to make you aware of the situation. Now I’m off to fix it. Bye.  
  
With that, he turned and went back out the door. The women watched him go and waited till he was out of earshot.  
  
“All this time we’ve been listening to the TARDIS translating?” Rose said to the others. “I thought he said he knew how to speak every language fluently.”  
  
“So did I,” Donna said. “Maybe we just thought he did because he’s so good at languages and…”  
  
Just then, they heard an alarm go off.  
  
“Oh, blast, now what?” Rose said as they leapt up and sped out of the room.  
  
They found the Doctor in the console room. He was waving his arms frantically.  
  
“What? What is it?” Rose said, running up to him.  
  
The Doctor pointed towards the door.  
  
“What?” Donna said. “What are you trying to say?”  
  
The Doctor said something in Gallifreyan while he jabbed his finger repeatedly at the door.  
  
“Write it down!” Martha said.  
  
The Doctor shook his head. The three women stood and watched, perplexed, as the Doctor ran to the door, pointed at it and ran back to them. He then stared at them waiting for the confused women to get his meaning. When they didn’t, he threw his arms up in the air, ran back over to the door, pointed at it, ran back to them, pointed at his ass, pointed at the ceiling and then put his hands on his hips and tapped his foot while he waited for them to respond.  
  
“Doctor, write down what you mean!” Rose said to him.  
  
The Doctor shook his head, grabbed the pen and paper and frantically jotted down a note. He gave it to Rose.  
  
I don’t have time to write a note. Just watch what I do.  
  
They looked at him and he ran to the door, pointed to it, ran back, pointed to his ass, pointed to the ceiling and then did a little jig in front of them before he stood still with hands on hips and an annoyed expression on his face.  
  
“We don’t understand!” Donna said angrily.  
  
The Doctor sighed angrily. He opened his mouth to speak and the three women were surprised when they heard him say…  
  
“HEE-HAW, HEE-HAAAAAAAAAW!”  
  
The women looked at each other while he continued to bray like a donkey and repeat the same gestures. After a couple minutes of this, Donna sighed angrily.  
  
“Come on, girls, back to the living room. Let the Doctor sort this out on his own,” she said.  
  
“HEE-HAW!” the Doctor brayed angrily.  
  
He ran in front of them when they started moving towards the back door. He glared at them.  
  
“QUACK, QUACK, QUACK!” he said when he opened his mouth. “MOOOOOOO, ARF ARF, MEOW, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”  
  
The three women were stunned at the rapid succession of animal noises that were coming from the pissed off Doctor’s mouth. On top of the barnyard noises, he was still pointing to the door, his ass, the ceiling, his crotch and his nose. While he kept on doing that, the barnyard noises became jungle sounds as he let out a roar, screech, hoot and bellow. By now, the three women couldn’t do anything except stand in front of him and stare in a dumb silence. The Doctor was dancing around now whinnying and hooting like an ape as he flung his arms around and kicked his legs out. Then finally he stopped and with hands on hips, waited for their response. He looked at the stunned and confused expressions on their faces and finally burst out laughing.  
  
“Oh, blimey, you oughta see the looks on your faces,” he said to them in English.  
  
“Wait, that was English. The translation circuits are repaired now?” Martha said.  
  
“They were never messed up to begin with. I was just bored and thought I’d have a bit of fun so the TARDIS and I punked you in layman’s terms. I can speak all the languages in the universe fluently so there’s no need for me to rely on the translation circuits. Those are mainly for you and others we come into contact with.”  
  
He burst out laughing again as he reached over to the console and switched off the alarm.  
  
“But I had you goin’, didn’t I? Oh, you were just stone face. You didn’t know what I was on about, did ya? And you just stood there and completely accepted all the strange noises and gestures I made. Ooooooh, blimey, you three are just the thing when I need a little lift in my spirits. You’ll believe anything and everything I do and say. I just love your naiveté and innocence so much.”  
  
He let out a sigh of relief and stuck his hands in his pockets.  
  
“Well, gotta go to the loo now before I wet myself. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my underpants. Anyway, you can go back to whatever it was you were doing and I’ll see you later. Ta-ta.”  
  
Whistling, the Doctor ignored the looks of death his three companions were giving him and sauntered away towards the back door. They waited till he was out of earshot and then Donna looked at her friends.  
  
“Right, revenge time, girls. Let’s go think of a way to get back at the little comedian,” she said.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	19. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91637) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91637)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=19) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Nineteen  
  
"Aaah, Oklahoma City," the Doctor said as they stepped out of the TARDIS. "Ooooklahoooma, where the wind goes whipping down the plains."  
  
The other three stepped out behind him and looked around. They were next to a large white building that stretched out for about two blocks. A closer look and they realized it was the Oklahoma Art Museum.  
  
"So, why are we here?" Rose asked him.  
  
"Today is November 25th, 2010, Thanksgiving Day in America," the Doctor said.  
  
"So…you celebrate Thanksgiving?" Martha said.  
  
"Well, I believe in the idea of brotherhood and being thankful for what you have, but mostly I feel a bit peckish and I want a big turkey dinner. Shall we go find somewhere that's serving a nice buffet?"  
  
The women looked at each other and big smiles spread over their faces as they nodded eagerly. The Doctor stopped a woman and made inquiries. The woman thought for a moment.  
  
"Well, there's probably several Thanksgiving buffets going on over in Bricktown," she finally said.  
  
"And where is that?" the Doctor asked.  
  
She pointed off to their right and explained how to get there. The Doctor thanked her and they walked through the city center till they reached the Cox Convention Center. To the left was a bridge with Bricktown on it in large letters. They used the walkway that went through the bridge and when they came out, they saw that Bricktown had a baseball stadium as well as numerous restaurants. The Doctor made another inquiry of a passerby and was directed to Mickey Mantle's restaurant. When they reached the large brick building, they went up the steps and went inside. Immediately, the smell of fresh roasted turkey hit their nostrils and everyone's stomach began to growl. In the center of a crowded restaurant was a huge buffet with all sorts of food. The interior was well lighted with baseball memoriabilia on the walls and wooden tables and chairs all over the large room. The Doctor pulled out some money and paid for four all you can eat buffet dinners. The waitress showed them to their table and gave them empty plates, glasses and cutlery before wishing them a happy Thanksgiving. They returned the good wishes and took their plates while they went over to the buffet.  
  
"I thought you didn't carry money with ya," Martha said as they walked over to the first buffet cart.  
  
"I don't. But every once in awhile, I go back in time, look at the lottery numbers and buy a winning lottery ticket to cover special occasions like this," he said to her. "I have my ways of getting money when I need to."  
  
They loaded their plates up with turkey, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese and all the trimmings. Everything smelled delicious and they were eager to dig in and eat everything. After they filled up their plates, they went back, got their glasses and went to a beverage center. They got four iced teas and grabbed some packets of sugar before they walked back to their table.  
  
"Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. I am thankful to have all of you in my life," the Doctor said, raising his glass.  
  
The others echoed the sentiment while they raised their glasses and clinked them together. Then they began to eat.  
  
"Oh God, that is delicious," Rose said. "The turkey's so tender. I'm glad you thought of this."  
  
"Yes, roast turkey always hits the spot," the Doctor said as they ate.  
  
While they ate, Rose grinned and used her fork to try to take a hunk of turkey off the Doctor's plate. The Doctor slammed his fork down into the turkey.  
  
"Oi, get away from my meat!" he said to her.  
  
He gave Rose a puzzled look when she suddenly snickered at that.  
  
"You mean I can't touch your meat?" Rose said while Donna and Martha exchanged glances.  
  
"No, you can't touch my meat. Get your hands off my meat!" the Doctor said.  
  
He gave the women an odd look when they all laughed at that.  
  
"What's so funny about touching my meat?" he said while they laughed harder.  
  
"Tell us, Doctor, how is your meat?" Martha said. "Is it big and juicy?"  
  
"Yes, as a matter of fact, it melts in your mouth."  
  
He gave them a confused look when the three women laughed at that.  
  
"What's so funny? I'm telling you the truth," he said. "What's so funny about juicy meat that melts in your mouth?"  
  
"Nothing, nothing, Doctor, just being silly," Rose said.  
  
The three women shared a knowing look while the Doctor shook his head and went back to eating his meal. While they were eating, a young waitress came around with a tray filled with orange bags that were tied with yellow ribbon. She put one down beside each plate, told them Happy Thanksgiving, and then went on to the next table. Everyone stopped eating and stared at them.  
  
"Wonder what these are?" Martha said.  
  
"Probably a bomb," Donna said.  
  
The women laughed while the Doctor rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well, with you, it's always a bomb or something sinister like that," Donna said to him.  
  
The Doctor picked up his bag, untied the ribbon and looked inside.  
  
"Ooo…" he said.  
  
"What is it?" Rose said.  
  
The Doctor turned the bag over his open palm and a bunch of candy corn and candy pumpkins fell out. He plucked a candy corn from the palm, put it in his mouth and chewed happily, savoring the sugary taste.  
  
"Probably poisoned," Donna said.  
  
The other women laughed when he flipped her off. The Doctor carefully put the rest of the sweets back in the bag, set it by his plate and they finished eating.  
  
After they ate, they took a stroll around Bricktown, the Doctor popping the candy corn in his mouth while they looked around. When they got to the baseball stadium, they noticed an advertisement for the Oklahoma City Zoo. The banner had different animal appendages. You stood up against the banner and made it look like the animal appendages were yours. The four animals were the wings of a rainbow lorikeet, the tail of a peacock, the tail of a spider monkey and the legs and feelers of a centipede. Rose ran over the banner and stood up against the peacock one. The women laughed and Donna pulled out her digital camera when Rose suddenly had a pretty peacock tail. After they took her photo, Martha walked over to the lorikeet and stood up against the banner, giving her rainbow wings. Donna took a photo of her and Rose took the camera while she also chose the lorikeet.  
  
"Okay, Doctor, your turn," Rose said.  
  
"Choose the spider monkey," Martha said.  
  
"No thanks, I'm not a monkey," the Doctor said, walking up to it.  
  
"Well, I'm not a lorikeet but that didn't stop me," Donna said.  
  
The Doctor looked at the four appendages. With a grin, he pressed himself up against the centipede and the women laughed when he suddenly had many legs and feelers. The Doctor gave them a menacing look as he made his own hands into claws.  
  
"I'm a mutant centipede! Fear me!" he said while they laughed and took his photo. After they were done, they took turns looking at the photos on the screen and laughing at them before heading on further into Bricktown.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	20. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91701) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91701)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=20) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twenty  
  
The three women were in good spirits as they walked the pavement of Bricktown. The Doctor followed behind them, hands in pockets, while he enjoyed his surroundings. The three women kept glancing back at him and giggling. They rarely had days like this where nothing sinister or evil was happening and they were in a silly mood and wanted to tease their beloved Doctor a bit more. Rose nudged Donna and winked at her and Martha as she suddenly stopped, let them go ahead and resumed walking when the Doctor caught up to her.  
  
"Wotcha," Rose said to him.  
  
"Howdy doody, my Rose, delightful day. A bit brisk, weather wise, but the fresh air is bracing."  
  
"Yes, and I'm sure your meat is getting cold now, yeah?"  
  
The Doctor frowned and gave her a confused look while Donna and Martha sniggered softly.  
  
"Are we still talking about the turkey?" the Doctor asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm just saying that if your meat was out here in the cold, it'd freeze pretty quickly," Rose said innocently.  
  
"Oh, you mean like making a turkey sandwich for on the go," the Doctor said.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, if you prefer putting your meat between two slices of bread but if you did that, you'd have to let me eat it first," Rose said while Donna and Martha shook with silent laughter.  
  
"Then what would be the point of me having the sandwich?" the Doctor said to her. "I can't enjoy my sandwich if you eat it."  
  
"Oooh, Doctor," Rose said in a throaty voice as she suddenly stopped him, "I think there's a way for you to enjoy having me eat your meat."  
  
The Doctor gave her a confused look while Martha and Donna giggled.  
  
"Okay, I sense perhaps a double entendre being bandied about and I'm the unwitting recipient of said entendre."  
  
"Perhaps, perhaps not, I just like eating your meat!"  
  
The Doctor blinked in shock when she stole a quick kiss from his cheek and sprinted away, running across a car park towards a large rectangular brick building that had a huge Coca Cola logo sign above the front door. Donna and Martha laughed as Rose let out an, "Ahhhhh!" as she ran towards the front door of the building. The Doctor watched her for a moment and then walked up to Donna and Martha.  
  
"Okay, what's going on here? What's the joke?" he said to them. "Because I sense I'm the butt of one and I don't like it."  
  
"Alright, before you throw a conniption fit, it's just fun and games," Donna said angrily. "She was meaning meat as in the meat between your legs, ya alien git!"  
  
The Doctor turned beet red while Martha and Donna shared a look. He looked over when Rose called his name and was shocked when Rose raised her top and flashed him for a second while she stood under the front door. Donna and Martha watched her do that and then looked at the Doctor.  
  
"You do know she fancies you, right?" Donna said.  
  
"Well, yes, but…"  
  
"She's just having a laugh and having a playful tease with ya, don't take it so seriously," Martha said. "It's a beautiful day and we're having fun being silly. Lighten up for a change and take a break from the world weary, universe on his shoulders Doctor, yeah?"  
  
The Doctor looked at Rose who was waving at him from the door. A grin spread over his face and with another aaaah, he took off running across the car park after her. Donna and Martha laughed when Rose waited till he was nearly to the door before she ran away. The two of them chased each other around the car park, laughing and ignoring the shocked looks of people passing by the car park.  
  
"That's more like it," Martha said to Donna.  
  
"Yeah, sometimes he gets too dour and sour and he needs a bit of fun to get his spirits back up," Donna said to her.  
  
They watched while he chased Rose across the length of the building. Rose stuck her tongue between her teeth and gave the Doctor an impish grin when she ran around the side.  
  
Rose panted and gasped when she ran around the corner. She looked back over her shoulder and ran again when the Doctor came around the corner.  
  
"Rose, wait!" the Doctor said to her. "Wait, I wanna tell you something. Seriously!"  
  
Rose slowed her pace and stopped halfway to the end of the building. She pretended to tense her muscles and run again when the Doctor came up to her. To her surprise, the Doctor took her into her arms and held her close. Rose closed her eyes and sighed when the Doctor lowered his face to the top of her head and held her protectively.  
  
"I wanted to have a moment away from the other two, a private moment," he murmured to her.  
  
"Yeah?" Rose said, loving the feel of the jacket material on her skin.  
  
"Yeah. I admit I didn't get the whole eat my meat thing but I will tell you one thing, on this day of Thanksgiving, I'm thankful to have you back at my side again."  
  
"Same here," Rose murmured.  
  
The Doctor rested his head on the top of hers while he stared out at the people going to and fro, going to restaurants and the cinema, having a good time. Rose snuggled against him, feeling safe and protected while the Doctor rubbed her back. She glanced up at him and saw him looking around and it touched her heart as she thought that it seemed as though he was looking around for danger while keeping her safe from it.  
  
"Donna and Martha told me to quit being a wet blanket and have some fun which is why I gave chase," he finally said to her.  
  
"Oh, yeah?" Rose said, looking up at him.  
  
She smiled when he kissed the tip of her nose.  
  
"Yeah," he said.  
  
"And you left them standing there in the cold while you came back here for a snog?"  
  
"Um…weeeeell…" he said while Rose giggled. "I just wanted a private moment with you. Bit harder when there are two other gossipy women about, you know."  
  
"Oh, and it was easy when Jack and Mickey were with us?"  
  
"Good point," the Doctor said while she laughed.  
  
He kissed her cheek.  
  
"Better get back to the others then," he said to her.  
  
"Fine, you're it!" she said, slapping his arm.  
  
The Doctor gave her a maniacal grin as she wriggled out of his arms and sprinted back to the front of the building. He gave chase, feeling invigorated and happy that Rose was back with him instead of being in the other universe. He rounded the corner and nearly had twenty heart attacks when Martha and Donna, who had been hiding right around the corner, jumped at him and screamed. Rose bent over laughing while the Doctor gave them an incensed look. Then he grinned and the three women took off running while he gave chase back to the pavement. Once they reached the pavement, they stopped for a breather and the Doctor pointed to a sign across the street that said Land Run Monument with an arrow pointing off to the right across a car park. They hurried across the street and followed the arrow across the car park, over a scenic wooden bridge that was over a small manmade stream and under an overpass where they saw a bunch of bronze statues on a rise above another car park. They followed a path up to it and read a plaque describing the statues as honoring the people who first participated in the land run that led to the founding of Oklahoma City.  
  
"Oh, they're honoring the people who kicked the Indians off the land and then took it. I see," Martha said while the other women giggled.  
  
The Doctor followed them while they walked a small path beside the statues. There were over fifty of them, horses and riders, people in stagecoaches and wagons and people running on foot, all depicting the day of the Oklahoma Land Run.  
  
"Where are the pissed off Indians who came back to scalp them?" Rose asked as they walked.  
  
"I think they locked them on the reservations," Donna replied.  
  
Martha spied a bronze statue of a horse and cowboy up ahead of them. She looked back at the Doctor who was strolling leisurely behind them, looking at the statues.  
  
"Quick, hide!" Martha said to Rose and Donna.  
  
The Doctor stopped and watched as they ran behind the horse statue and peered at him over the top of it.  
  
"Okay," Martha said in a whisper loud enough for the Doctor to hear, "we wait till he passes by and we ambush him. He'll never know we're back here till it's too late."  
  
The Doctor sniggered as the three pairs of eyes watched him quietly. The Doctor stood and watched them.  
  
"What's taking him so long?" Donna said in a loud whisper, "I wanna pounce!"  
  
"Maybe his foot's stuck," Rose said in a loud whisper.  
  
"Yeah, his foot's stuck in a big wad of chewing gum and he can't move," Martha said in a loud whisper. "Just be patient, he'll sort it out with the sonic screwdriver, then…we attack!"  
  
They stood and watched him while the Doctor shook with silent laughter. The Doctor walked around the horse towards them.  
  
"Hey, where's he goin'?" Rose said. "He's…coming back here?"  
  
"No, we'll be found out!" Donna said dramatically. "Our ambush will be all for naught!"  
  
The Doctor stopped and leaned against the neck of the horse, gazing at his girls fondly while they stared at them.  
  
"Do you think he sees us?" Rose asked while the Doctor's eyes twinkled with mirth.  
  
"No, we're fine. We have on perception filters," Martha said.  
  
"You forget, my Martha. The Master said that perception filters don't work on Time Lords."  
  
"Bollocks, we're screwed then," Martha said.  
  
The Doctor chuckled and embraced them.  
  
"Don't worry, I'll be merciful to ya," he said fondly while he hugged them.  
  
The three women hugged him back and clustered around him as they walked back to the path and went on with their tour of the statues.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	21. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91743) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=91743)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=21) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twenty One  
  
After heading away from the monument, the group went across the car park and back under the overpass. They went up and over another wooden bridge and paused at the top of it when they saw a huge wooden store in front of them. The sign on the store said Bass World and there was a large Bass leaping out of the water next to the words. The Doctor grabbed Rose's arm.  
  
"Look! Bass World. I've always wanted to play the bass. I can play guitar but never the bass, let's go buy a bass so I can play it."  
  
"Um…I think it's bass as in fish, there's a fish in the sign. See?" Rose said while Donna and Martha laughed.  
  
The women laughed harder when the Doctor squinted at the sign, pretending to read it. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his glasses and slipped them on.  
  
"Oh," he said while the women bent over laughing. "Well, let's go fishing then! Let's catch a big bass and eat it on Thanksgiving Day! Come on!"  
  
The woman laughed hysterically when he skipped down the bridge towards the entrance. He ran towards the entrance and tugged on the handle while the women hurried to catch up.  
  
"No! Bass World is closed! What a travesty!" the Doctor wailed while the women giggled and ran up behind him. "What'll we do now? We wanna fish! I want a bass as big as the one in the sign!"  
  
"Well…"  
  
Rose started to say something but the Doctor zoomed off.  
  
"Oh well, on to something else," he said airily while the women laughed and ran after him.  
  
He stopped when he reached the pavement and pointed across the street.  
  
"MCDONALDS!" he said, pointing to the restaurant while his companions caught up with him. "Rose, let's go get a McTurkey for Thanksgiving."  
  
"Um…I don't think they have McTurkey's, Doctor," Rose said while Donna and Martha laughed.  
  
"No McTurkeys?" the Doctor said, feigning shock. "No McMash, no McStuffing, no McPumpkin Pie?"  
  
"Well…"  
  
Donna and Martha laughed when the Doctor sprinted away across the street the moment Rose opened her mouth.  
  
"Damn it, ya git, stop that!" she said as he went up the steps and went inside. "Little git was waiting for me to say something so he could run like a girl."  
  
"Now, now, that's no way to talk about your boyfriend," Martha said.  
  
"Yeah, he doesn't run like a girl," Donna said, "he runs like a turkey."  
  
They laughed and went across the street when there were no cars coming either way. They entered and saw the Doctor standing by a booth. He was holding a couple of sacks in his hands and giving them an impatient look.  
  
"Took ya long enough," the Doctor said.  
  
"Gobble gobble, Turkey," Donna replied.  
  
The Doctor narrowed his eyes at her while she gave him an innocent look.  
  
"More puns about my genitals?" the Doctor said.  
  
"No, we were commenting on how you run like a scared turkey," Donna replied.  
  
"Well, I'll keep these then," the Doctor said, walking away.  
  
The women clustered around him, impeding his movement. He raised his eyebrows when they began to whimper like puppies and then he jerked his arms up when they tried to snatch the sacks out of his hands.  
  
"Alright, if you're going to behave like whimpering puppies, I'll give you your gifts," he said.  
  
They backed away and the Doctor moved to a table. He opened a sack and gave them each a tiny packet of chocolate chip cookies. He closed the sack and the women noticed that the two sacks were filled with something.  
  
"Enjoy," the Doctor said, walking towards the exit.  
  
"Wait, what do you have then?" Martha asked.  
  
"Nothing," the Doctor said innocently as he walked outside.  
  
"What do you have?" Rose asked.  
  
"Nothing, I just said that."  
  
Rose shared a look with her friends and began the puppy noise again. The Doctor whistled and used his long, lanky legs to speed up and get ahead of her. The others laughed when they ran after him and he sprinted away. He ran back to the car park in front of the Coca Cola building and showed them what was inside the sacks, Big Macs and French fries.  
  
"For later, on the TARDIS," he said. "We'll take them with us and eat them on route to our next fun destination. But because I care heaps for you, I got you some biscuits to tide you over until then. Enjoy."  
  
They walked on and headed back out of Bricktown, heading back towards the TARDIS since not much was open on Thanksgiving Day. On the way there, Rose grabbed the Doctor's arm and pointed to a sign. They looked where she was pointing.  
  
OKLAHOMA CITY BOMBING MEMORIAL. FOUR BLOCKS THIS WAY.  
  
The arrow under it was pointing off to their right.  
  
"The bombing of the federal building. I remember that," Rose said.  
  
"Yes, at this point in time, it's been a little more than fifteen years since it happened," the Doctor replied.  
  
"I wonder if it's open," Martha said.  
  
They turned right and started walking towards the bombing memorial.  
  
"I remember being a little girl and watching the footage about it. Mum was shocked and she had to explain it to me because I didn't understand completely what had happened," Rose said while they walked. "Then she had to tell me everything would be alright and it wouldn't happen to us when I got scared that they would bomb our block of flats."  
  
The Doctor listened to her, fascinated by her reaction and empathizing with it. However, he had seen far greater horrors and far greater casualties in his 906 years of life and compared to other horrors, Oklahoma City had gotten off rather easily. He had witnessed nuclear bombs that had devastated whole cities and caused tens of thousands of casualties, not to mention the destruction of his own planet and the loss of life there. He listened while Martha and Donna shared their stories of where they were that day and he also found that fascinating, the human need to share stories about where they were when momentous events happened. He had heard many stories from humans about where they were when they heard Kennedy was shot or on 9/11 or when the Challenger space shuttle blew up. It was fascinating because it was another way that humans measured out time.  
  
"This is one of those fixed event things, isn't it?" Donna asked him.  
  
"Yeah," the Doctor said sadly. "Like 9/11, it's a fixed point in time; we can't change what happened there."  
  
He patted their shoulders when he saw the anguish in their eyes. He told them his thought about witnessing bigger tragedies.  
  
"I'm not trivializing what happened there, because any loss of life is unacceptable to me," he said when he finished his thought. "I'm just saying that it could have been much, much worse if you think about it."  
  
"But you've seen much, much worse," Rose said.  
  
"Much, much, much worse. Much worse than 168 killed. 168 didn't even make a blip during the Time War," he said.  
  
The women glanced at each other. They stopped and the Doctor stopped with them. Then his eyes widened when they all gathered around and hugged him. The Doctor's hearts melted and he gave them loving looks, once again thankful on Thanksgiving that he had them. They stayed that way for a moment, ignoring the odd looks they were getting from other people before they resumed walking.  
  
As they neared the bomb site, they noticed a large black gate that rose above the pavement. They neared it and looked inside a doorway cut in it but didn't notice any signs saying it was closed so they went inside and climbed the stairs up one level and went out another doorway. They stopped and looked around when they came through it. The gate they entered had 9:01 inscribed on the inside above the door. Before them was a large rectangular reflecting pool and on the other side was an identical gate with 9:03 on it. To their left were bronze chairs that were sitting on translucent bases. To their right slightly up a hill was a tree that was slightly bent back enclosed inside a circular brick wall. To the right of the tree was a grove of trees and behind this was an old building whose side facing the blast had been left in its original damaged state to show the devastation the bomb caused. They were standing on a path made out of sections of the old Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building and to their left encircling the chairs was a section of the wall of the federal building that was allowed to remain, also as a reminder of the devastation. They noticed a man and woman dressed like park rangers heading towards them.  
  
"Sorry, if this is closed today," the Doctor said to them.  
  
"No, you're fine. The outdoor portion is open year round. The museum in the Journal Record building is closed but you're welcome to walk around and take a look," the man said to them with a slight southern twang as he smiled warmly and pointed to the damaged building. "Do you have any questions?"  
  
"This wall here," Donna said, pointing to the wall encircling the chairs. "Was this part of the building?"  
  
"Yes, Ma'am, it was left there to show the destruction and also because the chairs inside it are filling in the footprint of the part of the building that was lost when the bomb exploded. That's what you'd see if you looked at the chairs from the air. The chairs are arranged according to where people worked or where they were in the building at the time of the explosion. You'll notice that there are a lot of smaller chairs in the second row. That's because there was a day care center in the building and 19 children in the day care center and in other parts of the building died that day. Each chair represents one of the lives that were lost and each base is inscribed with a name. They're supposed to represent an empty chair at a kitchen table of their loved ones although some people imagine that their spirits are sitting there and watching over us. Over on the very edge are five chairs that are set apart from the others. Those represent five people that died outside the building. Two of them died in the Water Resources Building, one in the Athenian, one died in the parking lot as she was going into Job Corps for the day and one woman was a nurse who went into the Murrah Building three times to help the injured and on the third time she was hit by falling debris, went into a coma and died three days later."  
  
"What about the tree there?" Rose said. "The one inside the brick wall?"  
  
"Well, that tree is the only tree that survived the blast that day. It used to be in the middle of a parking lot and there were two other buildings here, The Oklahoma Water Resources building and Athenian Building. Then on the far end was the Journal Record building which is the one still standing. The blast bent the tree back and fire scorched it and it was going to be torn down but then it started growing new buds and people rallied around it and said don't tear it down because it represents the way the city has recovered after the bombing. So that tree is now known as the Survivor's Tree. It represents the survivors of that day. The trees outside the wall are known as the Rescue Orchard. They are symbolically rushing to help the tree, the way people from Oklahoma and all over the country did the day of the bombing and afterwards. Beside the orchard is the Children's Park. The wall there is made up of tiles with handprints from schoolchildren or drawings from schoolchildren all over the country. Now as for the Journal Record building, it was repaired except for the wall facing the bombing. That was left the way it was the morning of the blast to show the impact the blast had on it. You can see numerous cracks in the building where the blast literally picked parts of the wall up and put it back down in the same place and also the fire escape, as you can see, was mostly destroyed, except for the bit at the top and you can see how the blast twisted and warped some of the metal. The windows of the building are painted black to represent the empty windows that were left after the blast shattered all the glass. The blast destroyed or damaged 324 buildings within a sixteen-block radius, and shattered glass in 258 nearby buildings. The broken glass alone accounted for 5% of the death total and 69% of the injuries outside the Murrah Federal Building. The blast destroyed or burned 86 cars around the site, causing secondary explosions from the vehicles' gas tanks and tires and the explosion could be heard 55 miles away from here."  
  
"You're right, it could have been much worse," Rose said to the Doctor.  
  
"Yes, Ma'am, it was a miracle more people weren't killed or injured that day," the ranger said, nodding gravely.  
  
"What about the times on the walls?" Martha said.  
  
"Well, these are the Gates of Time. The bomb went off at 9:02 a.m. on April 19th, 1995. This gate says 9:01 which is the last moment of innocence for the city and the country. 9:03 on the other gate represents the moment the city began to heal. Everything within these walls is frozen in time between these two gates, a moment in time."  
  
"Beautiful," Rose said. "It's so beautiful, this monument."  
  
"Yes, Ma'am, we think so too," the ranger said, smiling. "Now these chairs…if you come back, say around 9 p.m. or so, the bases of the chairs light up and reflect in the reflecting pool here. Also, the reflecting pool used to be a street that ran right between the buildings. If you want to, you can dip your hands in the water and press them against the gate walls for ten seconds and leave your handprints. You notice the white chalky substance on both gates; those are thousands of handprints that have been left by people over the years. Is there anything else you need to know?"  
  
They shook their heads. The ranger gave them all brochures and smiled at them as he and the woman walked away. The women looked at each other, walked over the reflecting poor, put their hands in the water and walked back to the gate. The Doctor did the same as they pressed their hands against the wall, letting their handprints remain there for all time. After the Doctor did the same thing, they walked through the memorial and among the chairs, stopping to read the names on some of them. Rose's heart lurched when she noticed three of the adult chairs noted that the women were pregnant at the time and lost their babies in the blast. After they walked through the chairs, they went up to the tree. The bottom portion was bare, bent back away from the blast and blackened from the fire. They noticed that there were still shards of embedded glass in the trunk in some places. However, the top half of the tree was still alive and blooming.  
  
"This tree is one of the ways I think of you humans," the Doctor said to them. "You can be damaged and bent by tragedy but you still managed to flourish and survive and come back stronger than before."  
  
They stood and stared at it for a moment when Donna noticed a donation box nearby for the continued maintenance of the memorial. She asked the Doctor for five dollars and put it in the box. The Doctor pulled out twenty for him and Rose and Martha and put it in after hers. After that, they explored the Rescuer's Orchard and the Children's Park and then looked at the Journal Record building. As they walked along the damaged wall, they saw a spray painted message that someone had left and was preserved with the rest of it. It read...  
  
Team 5  
  
4-19-95  
  
We search for the truth.  
We seek justice.  
The courts require it.  
The victims cry for it.  
And GOD demands it!  
  
A little plaque below it indicated it was left by a rescue worker. The four of them stood in silent contemplation for a moment before moving on.  
  
After they got done with the memorial, they decided to go back to the TARDIS. But the Doctor decided to do something special so when they got back inside, he told them to wait and he took the TARDIS forward to 10 o'clock at night. They came back out and went back to the bombing memorial and the women gasped when they saw that the bases of the chairs now were lit up with a white light that gave off an angelic glow in the reflecting pool.  
  
"Had to take that bloke's advice and come back at night to see the lighted bases," the Doctor said to them.  
  
They stood there by the reflecting pool across from the chairs and stared silently at them, thinking how beautiful they looked. The air was chilly and the moon shone overhead completing the beauty of the scene. They stood there for twenty minutes in silent contemplation before they all agreed to head back. The Doctor hugged all of them tightly and told them once again how thankful he was that they were with him. They returned the sentiment and the Doctor let out an aaaah when they kissed his cheeks. Then all of them walked out of the memorial and headed back to the TARDIS.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	22. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=101679) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=101679)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=22) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   


Author's Notes:

Inspired by a conversation on a DW Facebook group about the Doctor possibly switching sexes after one of his regenerations. This chapter also features Doctor/Master slash.  
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twenty Two  
  
"No! Leave him alone!" Donna yelled.  
  
She, Martha and Rose were in a large cage in the corner of the laboratory on board the Valiant. Across the room, the Master had the Doctor strapped into a chair and was standing over him, gloating about his latest victory.  
  
"So…" the Master said, running a finger down his arm while the Doctor glared at him, "s'pose this is where you make your choice. Will you give yourself to me and let me do whatever I want or…shall we pick door number two!" he said, making a sweeping gesture to the cage.  
  
"No, leave them alone, do what you want with me, but let them go!" the Doctor said, ignoring his companion's pleas not to give in.  
  
"Good answer!" the Master said.  
  
Rose, Martha and Donna watched while he turned the chair and wheeled it over to a large glass tube. He turned the chair and wheeled it in so the Doctor would be facing front. Then with an evil laugh, he closed the door and pranced towards a nearby control panel.  
  
"Whatever you're doing, the Doctor will stop you!" Martha yelled.  
  
"Or we will!" Donna added.  
  
The Master ignored them and whistled a cheerful tune as he punched buttons on the console. The Doctor gave his girls a brave smile while they watched him with worried looks on their faces. The Doctor gritted his teeth when electricity suddenly climbed up and down the inside of the tube, crackling when it hit his body. The Master continued to hit buttons while the three women begged him for mercy. Then there was a burst of black smoke and the tube was filled with it. They could see the electricity on occasion but they could no longer see the Doctor and they yelled at the Master to stop. The Master finished hitting buttons and strolled over to the tube, waiting patiently for the process to end. After five minutes, the machine stopped and the smoke was sucked into a vent underneath the Doctor. The Doctor was unconscious and the three women were thankful since he was now a female.  
  
His short tousled hair was now long, thick and full and it flowed off the end of the chair and reached halfway to the floor. He had a feminine delicate face with pouty lips and a slender shapely body. But what was really astonishing was he now had tits that Dolly Parton would be envious of. His headlights were so big they split his clothing open and they lay there on his chest like two flesh pumpkins. The women were rendered speechless but the Master gave a little giggle of delight, opened the door and wheeled him out.  
  
"At last, I have finally succeeded beyond my wildest dreams," the Master said. "I have turned the Doctor into a woman!"  
  
The women watched while the Master put his hands on the top of Mount Boobies and fondled them.  
  
"Change him back!" Rose yelled at him.  
  
"Beg pardon?" the Master said, turning slightly so he could see her while still fingering the goods.  
  
"You heard me," Rose said. "Change him back."  
  
"But…he has breasts now," the Master said and with that, he turned back around and squeezed those melons like no one's business.  
  
"I'm so glad the Doctor is unconscious right now because he'd be horrified beyond belief," Martha said.  
  
"Um…is it me or is the Master getting a huge erection right now?" Donna said.  
  
The Master had turned to put his lips on the Doctor's mouth and they could see a huge bulge poking through his trousers. The three women shared a look.  
  
"He did say he's been waiting to do this for ages," Martha said while the Master licked the Doctor's face like a cat grooming her kitten.  
  
"Ew, is he drooling on him?" Donna said, making a face.  
  
Then to their horror, the Doctor began to wake up. The Master stepped back, hands behind his back while he waited for the Doctor's reaction to his new form. The Doctor opened his eyes and focused in on the Master who had an amused grin on his face.  
  
"What have you done to me?"  
  
The Master shook with silent laughter when the Doctor did a double take the moment he realized his voice was now several octaves higher than normal. He looked away from the Master and his eyes nearly fell from his sockets when he noticed his breasts were now gargantuan.  
  
"Like what you see, Doctor?" the Master purred.  
  
"Um, those aren't what I think they are, are they?" the Doctor said. "And what the hell happened to my voice? Did you put helium in the tube."  
  
The Master walked away, grumbling about how thick his adversary could be at times. He returned with a hand mirror and held it in front of the Doctor's face. The Doctor's eyes opened further when he saw the feminine looking face staring back at him. Then he took a look at his enormous gazungas and back at the face in the mirror.  
  
"No," he said in his girly voice. "You didn't. You didn't do this."  
  
"Do what?" the Master purred as he came closer to his face.  
  
The Doctor sighed.  
  
"Turned me into some sort of freakish, Barbie Doll, big tits, she-male," he said.  
  
"In that case, yes, I did," the Master said, laying his hand on his right breast. "So…what are you going to do about it, my lovey dovey?'  
  
The Doctor stared at his archenemy's eyes and saw the burning lust there. He suddenly realized that he might be seconds away from a raping the way he was staring at him.  
  
"Leave him alone!" Donna yelled.  
  
The Master sighed.  
  
"Did anyone ever tell you the Ginge over there is a bucket of cold water on the groin," he said to the Doctor. "Tell you what though, you cooperate with me and I don't kill them. Sound good?"  
  
"Leave them alone!"  
  
The Master snickered at the Doctor's female voice. He unstrapped him and helped him to stand up, admiring his body while he did. The Doctor swayed a bit with the extra weight of his tee-tas before he got his balance. His long flowing Fabio hair cascaded down to his butt and the Master eyed him hungrily as he grabbed hold of his hair and studied it.  
  
"Overdo it on the long, flowing locks?" he said to the Master as he pointed to his hair.  
  
"Not at all, I've always fancied hair I could run my fingers through and yours, my little Rapunzel, is just perfect."  
  
The Doctor felt his fingers in his hair and zoomed over to the cage. The women stepped back when the Kajungas got to the cage before he did. The Doctor sighed in annoyance and turned slightly so he could actually go up to the cage without pressing his boobs against the bars. Meanwhile, the Master strolled up to him and admired him while the Doctor kept his attention focused on his girls. The Doctor slapped his hand and the Master withdrew it when he tried to put his hand on his right tit again.  
  
"Leave him alone and change him back!" Rose growled at the Master.  
  
"Change him back? After achieving perfection? Why would I want to do that?" the Master said while the Doctor kept slapping his hand away from his breast. "Say…aren't you his sweetums? What do you think of my improvements?"  
  
"I hate them. Change him back," Rose said.  
  
"Aw, come on, surely you have lesbian tendancies. Don't you want to experiment and find the inner lesbian. I'll let you have a go. After I have, of course."  
  
"Didn't you hear what she said?" Donna said, coming up behind Rose. "Change him back!"  
  
"But…breasts…" the Master said, laying his hands upon the wonderment.  
  
He glared at the Doctor when he gave his hands a hard slap and reached into his trouser pocket.  
  
"You see this?" he said, showing him a bulky screwdriver. "This laser screwdriver has a bit of your DNA in it and with that I can age you. You keep on and you'll find yourself a hundred year old man with saggy, baggy boobs that go down to your knees. Want that?"  
  
The Doctor sighed and acquiesced to him. The Master smiled, put the screwdriver in his pocket and the Doctor steeled himself for a fondling. But to his surprise, the Master went past him back to the control panel. He hummed as he pushed a few buttons and the Doctor gasped when his companions were enveloped in a bright light and vanished from the cage.  
  
"There! Now that we got rid of the three hussies, it's time for some fun!" the Master said, skipping towards his prey.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	23. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=113014) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=113014)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=23) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twenty Three  
  
"What did you do to them?" the Doctor demanded, backing away from the Master and the gigantic bulge in his trousers.  
  
"I put them…somewhere. Who cares? Let's do a bit of the mattress mambo, you and me," he said, purring as he followed the Doctor around the room.  
  
The Doctor hesitated a moment, pretending to acquiesce before he suddenly shoved the Master out of the way, zoomed to the door and opened it.  
  
"Oo, a chase! I love a chase!" the Master said while he ran out of the room in pursuit of his prey.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX  
  
"Okay, where are we now?" Martha said when the light faded and they found themselves inside a large cave that was being lit from huge glow orbs affixed to the sides of the walls.  
  
"I'm guessing…as far away from Horny Master and Tart Doctor as we can possibly get," Donna said.  
  
Rose heard the sound of a rock dropping to the ground and turned her attention to a cavern off to their right. Her eyes widened when a twenty foot tarantula appeared at the opening, its mandibles moving back and forth while its many eyes fixed on the fresh meat that it suddenly found in its lair.  
  
"Um…I think we should run now!" Rose said before the three of them ran into an opening off to the left.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO  
  
The Doctor paused to catch his breath when he ran around a corner and ducked into a supply cupboard. He found it was hard to run with the added weight of the knockers on his chest and he wondered how big breasted women functioned with two melons on the front of them. He knew sooner or later he would have to confront the Master so he could get his companions back. He had no idea where they were and he was afraid that his adversary had sent them into outer space or into a fiery pit and let them die.  
  
"Yoo-hoo, Sweetikins, where aaare yoooou?" he heard the Master say as he passed by the door.  
  
The Doctor looked around and found a spanner in a tin box. He picked it up and went towards the door, opening it and peeking out. The Master was at the end of the corridor, searching for him.  
  
"Eeeee," the Doctor said.  
  
The Master spun around and grinned.  
  
"There you are, my muffin," he said, walking towards the Doctor. "I was worried you ran out the door. But no, you'd rather stick around and hope I'll change you back, eh? Well, after I get through with you, you won't mind being a woman so much. Now come outside and let me grope you."  
  
The Doctor waited until he was almost to the door. Then suddenly, he leapt out and brought the spanner down on top of the Master's head. The Master's face registered shock for half a second before his eyes rolled up inside his head and he collapsed to the floor.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXO  
  
"DOCTOR! HELP US, DAMN IT!" Donna screamed at she and her friends ran away from the spider.  
  
They were trying to find the entrance to the cave but all they found were passageways and vast stone rooms. Now they were hopelessly lost with a huge spider relentlessly pursuing them.  
  
"We need to fight before we end up as dinner," Rose said.  
  
"You first, Tyler," Donna said over her shoulder while she ran.  
  
Rose saw a couple of chunks of stone that had fallen from the cave sometime in the past. She stopped and picked one up. Martha stopped and called to Donna who was still running. Martha watched Rose make a stand before she ran to her side and picked up another stone.  
  
"I'm sorry to ruin your plans, ladies, but I doubt that will stop a huge flippin' spider," Donna said to them.  
  
She walked over and grabbed another stone, determined to make a stand with her friends, despite what she said earlier. The three of them stood together, stones at the ready while the watched the spider come closer to them.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXOX  
  
The Master groaned and opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was the Doctor standing by his side. The second thing he saw was the chair and he realized the Doctor had strapped him into the same chair.  
  
"Hello…love," the Doctor said.  
  
"What are you going to do to me?" the Master said, looking at the straps holding his arms down.  
  
"I'm going to spare your life if you change me back and bring my companions back to me. Otherwise, I'm going to take a scalpel and emasculate you in a different and more painful way than the emasculation I suffered."  
  
"You don't have the guts…"  
  
He trailed off with the Doctor held up a gleaming silver scalpel. His eyes bulged when the Doctor casually undid the snap on the Master's trousers and pulled down the zipper before stopping and giving him a pointed look.  
  
"Change me back and bring my friends back to me or say goodbye to your John Thomas," he said.  
  
The Master glared at him silently. The Doctor shrugged and the Master's eyes widened when he started jerking his trousers down with one hand.  
  
"No! Don't! I'll change you back and bring back your friends," he said. "Just don't cut off my penis!"  
  
The Doctor grinned and cut a small slit in the Master's underpants.  
  
"I said I'd help!" the Master yelled.  
  
"Just making sure you know I mean business, my muffin," the Doctor said. "Now…tell me how to bring back my friends before I do more than put a slit in your smalls."  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXOX  
  
Rose cursed when she and her friends threw the stone and it made no effect on the spider. And now the spider was closer than it'd been before and they knew it would only be a matter of time before it caught up to them even if they did run. They backed up but the spider was sizing them up and Rose figured after their assault it wouldn't let them get away. The spider was moments from leaping onto them and the three women said their goodbyes to one another. Then suddenly, there was another flash of light and the spider scuttled away from it in a panic back into the deep recesses of the cave.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX  
  
"Damn it, I'm tired of you waiting till the last minute!" Donna said as the three women ran over to the Doctor.  
  
"It wasn't my fault, I had to convince the Master to surrender and tell me how to reverse it," the Doctor protested as he pointed to his foe.  
  
"So what happens now?" Martha said.  
  
"Now he's going to change me back!" the Doctor said.  
  
"But…I like you this way," Rose said.  
  
The Doctor was shocked.  
  
"You do?" he said.  
  
"Yeah. Finally, we have another woman we can gossip with," Rose said, giving Martha and Donna a gleeful look.  
  
"Yes and we can go shopping with ya," Donna said.  
  
"And share makeup tips and do each other's hair up," Martha added.  
  
"And so much hair," Rose said, walking around behind the Doctor and taking hold of her hair. "I can't wait to plait it and put bows in it!"  
  
"And maybe we can take some hairspray and tease it up!" Martha said.  
  
"And dye it different colors," Donna said. "Make it every color of the rainbow!"  
  
"Okay, how do I change back?" the Doctor said to the Master. "And you better tell me before I change you into a girl and leave you to the mercy of my makeup wearing, plait making, gossip spewing companions!"  
  
XOXOXOXOXOXO  
  
"Thank God!" the Doctor said, slumping onto the jump seat in his TARDIS.  
  
He ended up making a bargain with the Master. Letting him go if the Master would tell him how to change back. But he did use the knowledge of the teleporter to send the Master into the spider cave after learning how to become a man again. Now that he was a man again, he wanted to have a rest and recover from having huge tits and long, Rapunzel hair. He closed his eyes and folded his hands in his lap while he meditated.  
  
He sensed someone was coming towards him and he opened his eye. He opened both eyes when he saw Rose coming towards him with a powder blue clip on bow in her hand.  
  
"Get that thing away from me or I'll turn you into a man," he said to her.  
  
Rose ignored him and pulled up a bit of his tousle. She clipped the bow onto it and patted him on the head.  
  
"So cute, it's twee," she pronounced before skipping away towards the back door.  
  
"So cute, it's twee," the Doctor said in a snotty voice as he jerked the bow out of his hair and threw it on the console. "Don't think of putting makeup on my face, Rose! Any of you so much as put an eyeliner pencil to my face and you'll be fishing it out of your eye!"  
  
He shook his head when he heard his three companions giggling just inside the back door. He listened to them cooing about how cute he was as a woman and when they finally shut up and left, he went back to his meditation and relaxed.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	24. Teaspoon :: Better With Four. by cheri

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**Better With Four.** by [cheri](http://www.whofic.com/viewuser.php?uid=1862) [[Reviews](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=113022) \- [50](http://www.whofic.com/reviews.php?sid=20665&chapid=113022)] [Chapter](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=24) **or** [Story](http://www.whofic.com/viewstory.php?action=printable&textsize=0&sid=20665&chapter=all)   
  
  
1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24

  
  
Chapter Twenty Four  
  
The Doctor and his three companions stepped outside the TARDIS and looked around.  
  
"Herpetoria," the Doctor said to his companions while he closed the door. "A reptilian planet. Snake people, to be precise."  
  
"And we're here because…" Martha said.  
  
"Because…we've never been to a snake planet before?" the Doctor said. "Because this is something to do?"  
  
"Because we might get bit by a flippin' great cobra?" Donna said.  
  
"Nonsense, these people are civilized," the Doctor said. "They won't bite you if you don't bite them. Come on."  
  
"Remind me to keep my teeth to myself then," Martha muttered to Donna while they followed the Doctor.  
  
The TARDIS landed at the outskirts of a town. The buildings where short and domed and made of dried mud with circular window as well as a circular door. The roads were made of cobblestones. Several people were walking in between the buildings. All of them were humanoid snakes of different species. They had human-like bodies with snake heads and scales for skin. The snakes were all flicking their tongues in and out while they walked, sniffing the air. Most of the people were wearing colored robes and leather sandals, although the children were naked. While they were walking by one of the buildings, a cobra man stepped out in front of them and nearly collided with them. His hood raised and he hissed at them angrily. The Doctor apologized and for a moment the women thought he was going to attack them. But he lowered his hood and with a last sullen look at them headed away.  
  
"There, you nearly got bitten by a flippin' great cobra," Rose said to Donna.  
  
"Don't remind me," Donna said.  
  
While they explored the town, several of the residents stopped and stared at them, sniffing their scent with their tongues. A black snake stepped forward. He was wearing a purple robe with gold trim.  
  
"Who might you be?" he said to them.  
  
"I'm the Doctor. These are my friends, Rose, Donna and Martha."  
  
"I am Banessss," the snake hissed. "It isss not often that we have visssitorssss here."  
  
"We're travelers," the Doctor said. "We love to explore and see new worlds."  
  
"Ah, then you are mossst welcome here," Banes said. "Perhaps you would like to dine with me? I was jusssst going home for lunch."  
  
"We would be honored," the Doctor said.  
  
"Just as long as we don't have to eat dead rats or mice or things like that," Donna muttered to Rose and Martha while they followed Banes to his house.  
  
XOXOXOXOXOX  
  
"Wow, this is brilliant," the Doctor said when they stepped inside Banes's house.  
  
The house had three rooms, all of them with domed ceilings. The furniture was made of wood and in the corner was a fire pit with a wood spit over it. The spit had something that looked like a rabbit roasting on it. Banes checked it and turned the spit while adding wood to the fire. When the flame flared up, he went into the other room. He returned a few minutes later carrying a wooden tray with four wooden bowls on it containing a milky liquid. He sat it down on a wooden table near the fire pit and gestured for them to come and sit on wooden stools around it. The Doctor and his companions sat down on the stools and Banes told them to take a cup of milk and drink some while he finished lunch. Donna took a bowl and made a face while she stared at the watery liquid inside it.  
  
"Is it safe?" she said in a hushed voice to the Doctor.  
  
The Doctor stuck a finger in the bowl and licked the milk off his finger.  
  
"Mmm, it's delicious. Spiced with cinnamon, at least that's what it tastes like."  
  
He chugged the contents of the bowl while his companions watched. A few drops of milk dribbled down his chin and he wiped them away while he sat his bowl down. He gave a satisfied little burp and looked at his companions. The three women stared at him for a moment, expecting him to keel over dead from poisoning but the Doctor urged them to drink and Rose finally picked up her bowl and took a tiny taste. Rose licked her lips and drank more.  
  
"It must be good if Rose is willing to drink it," Martha said to Donna.  
  
"Or she's just pleasing her boyfriend," Donna said, gesturing to the Doctor.  
  
"Or she really does like the taste of it," the Doctor said. "Drink up."  
  
Rose sat the bowl down and smacked her lips.  
  
"It's good. It really does have a cinnamon taste to it," she said. "Try it and see."  
  
Donna and Martha picked up their bowls and were about to take a sip when the Doctor suddenly stuck his hand out.  
  
"No, wait, stop!" he said.  
  
Donna and Martha gave him confused looks, watching while the Doctor got to his feet. He swayed and stepped back to keep from falling and Donna sat her bowl down when she noticed he looked a bit groggy.  
  
"Doctor?" Martha said, setting her bowl down.  
  
"Don't drink…" the Doctor muttered while he gripped the table.  
  
"What'd you do to him?" Martha demanded as she rose to help him.  
  
Banes didn't answer and Donna saw a smirk on his face while the Doctor sank to his knees.  
  
"Get…Rose…out of here," the Doctor said, blinking his eyes when they blurred.  
  
Rose gulped hard and stared at the empty bowl in front of her, frightened that she really did drink poison. She got up from the table and instantly became dizzy. Donna jumped up and Rose gripped her shoulder.  
  
"I feel dizzy," Rose said, putting a hand to her temple.  
  
"What'd you do to them?" Donna demanded while the Doctor slowly sank back onto the floor.  
  
"I put a sleeping draught in their bowls. Unfortunately, you didn't drink it along with them. Which means I have to render you unconscious in other ways."  
  
"Martha…Donna…run!" the Doctor said in a weak voice as his world started growing dark.  
  
"Run, Donna," Rose said as she started to sink to the floor. "You and Martha, run."  
  
Donna and Martha glanced at each other, unsure what to do for a moment until Banes started coming towards them. Banes hissed when Donna and Martha decided it was better not to get caught and come back for their friends and they ran out the door. By now the Doctor was unconscious and Rose was lying on the floor, rapidly following him into the darkness. Banes walked over to her and stood over her, silently gloating.  
  
"What…do…you…want…with…us?" Rose forced out of her cottony mouth as her world started growing dark.  
  
"You and your friend are going to be part of my experiment," she heard him say before losing consciousness.  
  


1\. Chapter 12. Chapter 23. Chapter 34. Chapter 45. Chapter 56. Chapter 67. Chapter 78. Chapter 89. Chapter 910. Chapter 1011. Chapter 1112. Chapter 1213. Chapter 1314. Chapter 1415. Chapter 1516. Chapter 1617. Chapter 1718. Chapter 1819. Chapter 1920. Chapter 2021. Chapter 2122. Chapter 2223. Chapter 2324. Chapter 24  
  
Doctor Who and its accoutrements are the property of the BBC, and we obviously don't have any right to them. Any and all crossover characters belong to their respective creators. Alas no one makes any money from this site, and it's all done out of love for a cheap-looking sci-fi show. All fics are property of their individual authors. Archival at this site should not be taken to constitute automatic archive rights elsewhere, and authors should be contacted individually to arrange further archiving. Despite occasional claims otherwise, The Blessed St Lalla Ward is not officially recognised by the Catholic Church. Yet.   
  
Script for this archive provided by [eFiction](http://efiction.sourceforge.net/). Contact our archivists at [help@whofic.com](mailto:help@whofic.com). Please read our [Terms of Service](http://www.whofic.com/tos.php) and [Submission Guidelines](http://www.whofic.com/guidelines.php). 


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty Five

Donna and Martha hauled ass out of Banes's house, frightened that he was going to send the rest of the town after them. But for the moment, there was only confused looks from the other snake people along with staring and pointing.

"We can't just leave them," Donna said to Martha as they ran. "We have to go back!"

"I know that but we need a strategy as well," Martha said to her. "We just can't go in and ask for them back."

"Times like this, we need a bazooka," Donna said.

They reached the TARDIS and hurried inside.

"Now what?" Donna said as she closed the door.

"TARDIS, the Doctor and Rose are in trouble and we need help," Martha said to the ceiling. "We need something that will defeat this snake person, do you have anything for us?"

There was silence for a few seconds and then a doorway opened up in the wall behind the console. Martha and Donna shared a look before the two of them hurried through it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Rose slowly opened her eyes after the darkness finally lifted. She was lying on something hard and cold and she felt something restraining her wrists ankles and a restraint across her chest. She opened her eyes fully and looked around. She was alone inside a bare mud wall room that had a few baskets and a wooden chest along the back wall. She looked around and noticed a doorway covered by a long leather blanket. There were no windows and only a bit of light coming from around the sides of the blanket.

She couldn't see any sign of the Doctor so she called out his name but got no answer. She then called out for Banes asking if he was there and what he did with the Doctor. At first she thought he wouldn't answer either but then he pushed back the blanket and came inside the room.

"So, you've awakened," he said.

"Where is the Doctor? What have you done with him?" Rose said, tugging at the restraints.

"He's taken part in my experiment," Banes said smugly.

"What experiment? What have you done?" Rose said in a panic.

"Well, I was going to do to you what I did to your friend but then I thought…my pet will need to feed. I'm sure he's hungry after being put through the metamorphosis," Banes said cheerfully.

Rose's blood ran cold at the sound of that.

"What metamorphosis?" she said, dreading the answer.

"The Doctor, as you call him, is now a pet of sorts, at least for me," Banes said, playing with a strand of Rose's hair.

Rose jerked her head away from him hand and glared at him.

"Where is the Doctor," she snarled at him, trying to be braver than she felt.

Banes chuckled.

"You have spirit for a mammal. Tell you what…there is a park near here that has a little amphitheater of sorts. Why don't we go there and I'll show you the Doctor and then you can have a sporting chance of trying to survive him since you're feeling so brave."

"Let him go. Change him back and let him go," Rose said.

"After going through all that trouble?" Banes said. "It would be a pity to destroy such a beautiful creation. No, I think I'll just let you meet him in the park and you and your friend can have some fun. Okay? Now, rest yourself and let me go get a sedative. I want you to wake up in the park and see your friend there so it won't ruin the surprise. I'll be right back."

Banes turned and grinned while he walked out the room and listened to the sound of Rose's cursing behind him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"This is what we're supposed to use on the Doctor and Rose?" Donna said as she and Martha stood inside the TARDIS laboratory. "They're supposed to fit inside this thing"

When they entered the lab, the TARDIS shown a spotlight on two tiny steel balls sitting on the counter at the back of the room. When they picked it up, the TARDIS entered their minds and downloaded instructions on how to use it. From what Donna could make of the instructions, they were supposed to get near enough to the Doctor and Rose that they could open the ball and their friends would be miniaturized and sucked into them, one ball for each person.

"Leo used to watch Pokemon and these look like the things they used to catch the pokemon with," Martha said to Donna.

"So that's the TARDIS's big plan, eh? Go pokemon hunting with the Doctor and Rose," Donna said.

"At least we can carry these things and run away from Mister Snake," Martha said. "We'd have a better chance of outrunning him if we did that and didn't have to carry two grown adults in our arms."

Donna picked up the other ball from the counter and sighed.

"Okay, let's go pokemon hunting then," she said to Martha.

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Rose groaned and slowly opened her eyes. After Banes injected something into her arm, she drifted off after a few moments of fighting the effects. Now she found herself lying on her back on the ground inside a large park. She slowly sat up and looked around, trying to fight the grogginess. The park was large, about a mile long with numerous trees, shrubs and a large lake in the middle of it. Behind her was a stone amphitheater. The stage area was packed down dirt and stone bleachers rose from around it in a semicircle. It reminded her of the amphitheaters she had seen in ancient Greece when the Doctor took her and Martha and Donna there.

She slowly got to her feet and looked around. She saw no sign of Banes or the Doctor. In fact, there wasn't anyone in sight which was odd considering it was a park. She wondered if Banes had enough clout to shoo everyone away so there was no chance she could ask for help.

"Alright, Banes, I'm here," Rose yelled out. "Where's the Doctor, what'd you do to him?"

She froze when she heard a loud hissing behind her and she turned to face the amphitheater. While she stared at the bleachers, someone came out from behind them. Another cobra man. This one was tall and thin with brown coloring to its skin. It was wearing just a loincloth and its yellow eyes stared at her intently.

"I'm here, Rose," the man said.

Rose's blood chilled. The man had the Doctor's voice and she realized with growing dread what had been done to him.

"No, he didn't do this to you," Rose said, shaking her head in disbelief.

The Cobra Doctor grinned and began to walk towards her. Rose hoped that somehow he would know her and fight whatever brainwashing had been done to him so she stood still for a moment. Then suddenly, Cobra Doctor opened his mouth and hissed at her and Rose could see large fangs glistening with venom and she turned and ran for her lift while Cobra Doctor gave chase.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty Six

Rose panted as she ran for her life, away from the man she loved who was now trying to kill her and possibly devour her. She didn't know if these snake people ate live prey but she wasn't about to stop and ask the Doctor that. She was hoping that maybe he'd come to his senses and see her for who she really was but at that moment, that wasn't happening so she tried to get far enough ahead that she could find somewhere to hide.

Just when she felt like all hope was lost and she might have to surrender and possibly die, she saw Marth and Donna speeding towards her. For a moment, relief washed over her and then she remembered that the Doctor might hurt them as well and she held out her hands, trying to warn them to stay away.

Martha stopped a few feet from her but Donna kept on going, right towards the Doctor as she held the pokeball out in front of her.

"Donna, wait, he's not in his right mind," Rose gasped as Donna got in front of her.

By this time, the Doctor was nearly there but he stopped short when Donna yelled at him to halt. The power and command in his voice made Cobra Doctor freeze but he still hissed at her from several feet away while Donna sneered at him.

"Well come on, Doctor, do something," she spat at him.

Martha stood beside Rose and both of them watched in amazement as Cobra Doctor seemed unsure about whether to attack Donna.

"See, can't do it, can ya?" Donna said smugly. "Still scared of me, Alien Boy? Thinking I'm gonna thump ya if you try something? Well, you're right! I'll thump ya if you try to attack me!"

She inched closer to Cobra Doctor and to Rose and Martha's surprise, Cobra Doctor backed away from Donna, hissing in anger.

"Come on, Doctor, into the ball like a good mutated snake," Donna said.

She suddenly lunged at him and pushed a button on the back of the ball. The middle of the ball split open and a large glowing light shot out of it and enveloped Cobra Doctor for a moment. Then the light drew back into the ball and it snapped shut and to Rose's horror, Cobra Doctor was gone.

"Wait, what'd you just do?" she asked as she ran up to Donna.

"He's safe. He's in here, I hope," Donna said, tapping the top of the ball. "I think the light shrank him and put him in here."

Rose took the ball from her and ran her hand over it, imagining a tiny Cobra Doctor inside it fighting to get out.

"We have two," Martha said, walking up and showing her the second ball. "We thought we might need one for you."

"Yeah, well, Banes apparently had other ideas and decided to make me the Doctor's dinner instead," Rose said.

"So, we can capture Banes with the second one then," Donna said.

"And then what?" Rose said. "How do we restore the Doctor?"

"The TARDIS gave these to us, maybe she has a way of reversing it," Martha said.

"But we have to get close enough to capture Banes," Donna said. "A few feet or so, otherwise it won't work."

Rose tapped the top of the pokeball with her finger while she thought it over. She looked around but couldn't see Banes.

"I'll do it," she finally said, giving the pokeball back to Donna. "Give me the empty ball and take this one back to the TARDIS so she can fix the Doctor."

"Are you sure?" Martha said. "I could come with you and Donna can go back to the TARDIS.

Rose thought for a moment.

"Alright, one of you come with me but hide nearby, I'm going to confront Banes in his own house and try to get close enough to catch him with the ball.

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Donna went inside the TARDIS by herself and shut the door. She had hurried back to it while Rose and Martha went on to Bane's house.

"Right!" Donna said, looking up at the ceiling when she got to the console, "the Doctor's in here and you thought up the idea of the ball trap so you must have a way to cure him. So tell me what to do!"

There was a flashing light in the corner and the moment Donna's eyes were drawn to it, a doorway opened up in the wall. Donna walked through it and into the medbay and the wall closed up behind her. Then she felt a tickle inside her mind and felt that the TARDIS was telling her to open the ball up. Hoping her instincts were correct, Donna pushed the button and the ball snapped open. The light poured out and Donna dropped the ball and ran to the door of the medbay as she heard angry hissing coming from the light. When the light faded, Cobra Doctor was fully formed and enraged, his snake eyes focused squarely on Donna. But when he tried to run to her, a blue light came down from the ceiling and formed a force field prison around him. The Doctor slapped at the light and hissed in frustration as the light sizzled with blue electricity the moment he touched it.

Then suddenly another beam of white light came down from the ceiling and filled up the prison. Donna heard the Doctor yelling in pain and she ran to the prison as the light continued to shine on him. Her blood ran cold as the reptilian howl became more humanlike the more time elapsed and finally she heard the Doctor's anguished screaming and knew that somehow the light had restored him to his normal body. When the light faded, the Doctor fell to his knees, exhausted from the ordeal and the TARDIS took the force field away. Donna ran to the Doctor and knelt down beside him as the Doctor moaned soflty.

"Doctor, are you alright?" she said gently as the Doctor slowly recovered.

"Yeah, where is Rose?" the Doctor said as he put a hand to his forehead.

"We had a second ball for her and she took it and went to capture Banes. Martha went with her."

"Where?" the Doctor said.

"They're going back to his house," Donna said.

The Doctor groaned softly as he got to his feet.

"Come on, I need to get something and then you and I are going to go help them," he said to her.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty Seven

Rose and Martha hid behind the house next to Banes and watched for any signs of activity. By this time, the sun was beginning to go down and the people were beginning to thin out as they hurried home for supper.

"Are you sure about this?" Martha said softly to Rose as they waited to make their move. "I can come inside with you if you want."

"No, I want the wanker to let his guard down," Rose said softly. "Just wait by the door and if I need you, I'll yell."

Martha nodded. Both women looked around before they hurried silently towards the door. Martha looked around while Rose hazarded a glance through the doorway. To her surprise, Banes was sitting at his table, quietly enjoying a meal of what looked like two dead white rats. Rose fought to keep her churning stomach in check as she nodded to Martha, letting her know that she was in there. She tensed her muscles and gathered her courage and wits about her before putting her hand with the pokeball behind her back and stepping into the house.

The sudden appearance of Rose startled Banes and he dropped the rat he was to put into his mouth. It landed with a thunk on his plate while he stared at her in shock.

"What is this?" he demanded. "Why are you still alive?"

"Well," Rose said airly, "I believe it's called Being Smarter Than You Think."

Banes stood up and opened his mouth for a moment, baring his fangs at her.

"Where is the other one?" he snarled at her.

"What other one?" Rose said innocently.

"The Doctor, where is he?" Banes snarled at her.

"Oh him? I killed em," Rose said smugly.

"You lie."

Rose gave him a smug look.

"I'm the Bad Wolf," she said. "The most powerful being in the world. The Doctor is no match for me…oh, sorry…WAS no match for me!"

"Well, let's see if you're a match for me then, little mammal!"

He lunged at Rose. She tried to sidestep him but she was too quick and the force of the blow made her hand come out from behind her back and to her horror, the pokeball flew from her grasp and landed across the room. Rose was lying on her back with the enraged cobra on top of her. She gasped and tried to push his head away from her as he opened his mouth to sink his fangs into her.

"MARTHA! I NEED HELP!" Rose screamed as Banes laughed in triumph.

"Where is the Bad Wolf now!" he yelled as he reared up and prepared to strike.

He was about to plunge his fangs into her when Banes felt a tap on his shoulder. He shifted his body and lowered his hood so he could look behind him and to his shock, he saw the Doctor standing over him.

"Hello, I'd like to register a complaint about the hospitality or lack thereof," the Doctor said.

Banes hissed and got to his feet but the Doctor pulled the spare pokeball out of his pocket and opened it. Rose shielded her eyes as Banes was enveloped in the white light and went hissing into the tiny ball. Rose breathed a sigh of relief when the ball snapped shut and the light faded, leaving her and the Doctor alone in the house. The Doctor asked her if she was alright as he helped her to her feet.

"Yeah, didn't expect to see you here," Rose said as Martha and Donna came into the house.

"Well, the TARDIS is a miracle worker at times," the Doctor said. "And I'm very sorry I tried to kill you. I wasn't in my right mind at the time."

"Oh, you think?" Rose teased as she nudged his side with her finger.

The Doctor smiled, pulled her close to him and kissed her on the cheek while Rose held him, thankful that he had been restored. Rose looked down at the ball in his hand.

"What about him, what are you gonna do with him?" Rose said, pointing to it.

"Oooh, I think I shall take him to the proper authorities and tell them he's been kidnapping people, forcing them to mutate and kill others. I think the authorities will be veeery interested in what he has to say," the Doctor said, throwing up the ball and catching it with his hand. "But for now, let's head back to the TARDIS. Ladies…" he said, gesturing to the door.

Martha and Donna walked out of it but when Rose tried to walk towards it, the Doctor grabbed her around the middle, pulled her to him and mimed biting her neck while Rose giggled.

"Sssss, I want ssssome Rosssse!" he hissed in her ear.

"Mm, maybe later, if you're a good little cobra," Rose said, patting his cheek.

She laughed when the Doctor beamed at that and waggled his eyebrows. She took his hand and the two of them walked out of the house and followed the others back to the TARDIS.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty Eight

Rose chuckled to herself as she put on a slinky black teddy, nylon stockings and black high heels. It had been a slow day on the TARDIS. She wasn't sure what everyone else was doing but she decided to have a bit of a giggle and take the mick out of the Doctor before they started their day. She had tarted herself up to the point she looked like a streetwalker and she was going to see if she could get a reaction out of the Doctor. She checked herself in the full length mirror on her cupboard door before strutting out of her room.

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"So, where should we go today?" the Doctor asked Martha and Donna.

They were in the console room. Donna and Martha were sitting on the jump seat while the Doctor faced them with his butt against the rim of the console.

"Any ideas?" he added.

"Yes, I have one," Donna said. "How about we go to the Happy Fun No Death Or Monsters At All Funfair?"

Martha giggled at the peeved look on the Doctor's face.

"And where exactly would that be, Noble?" he said to her.

"Well, I dunno, ask the magic machine to find it for ya," Donna said.

"Actually, that sounds nice. Let's go to the no death and monsters funfair," Martha said.

"Ew, that's boring. I'd be snoring before we passed the first entrance. Come on, something realistic, you lot."

"How about Kinkyworld?"

Everyone looked over at the back door when they heard Rose's voice and the Doctor's eyes bulged when Rose slinked into the room. Martha and Donna did a double take and jerked their heads around to see the Doctor's reaction. The Doctor was frozen, his eyes so wide Donna swore they would pop out of his skull any moment.

"I think Kinkyworld would be fun," Rose said innocently as she slowly walked towards the Doctor.

Donna bit her lip and glanced at Martha. Martha had her hand up to her mouth, trying to hide her smile while the Doctor continued to stare at Rose, transfixed by the sight before him. Rose walked up to him and put her hand over his right heart.

"Hello…Doctor," she said in a breathless voice.

Martha nudged Donna roughly and pointed to the Doctor's crotch which was now bulging. The Doctor finally came to himself and swallowed hard as Rose ran her hand up and down his chest.

"Yeah, um…" the Doctor said as he struggled to get a coherent thought out of his mouth. "Um…where did…you get that?" he said, gesturing to her teddy.

"I had it," Rose said breathlessly. "I was going to save it for a special occasion but you know what, we can make this occasion veeeeeery special, can't we…Doctor?"

The Doctor looked at his companions and gave them a "Could you help me here, please?" look as Rose ran her hand up to his neck and caressed the side of it.

Martha looked at Donna and Donna grinned and got up. She walked up to Rose.

"Now, Rose, you know that's not cricket," she said with a stern, motherly voice. "The Doctor is a fragile being and he just can't take this much titillation."

Martha nearly fell off the seat when she saw the Doctor's shocked expression as he jerked his head and looked at Donna.

"Perhaps we should test his limits then?" Rose purred as she moved her hand up to his cheek.

Donna pretended to think, loving the Doctor's obvious discomfort.

"Well, we do have a medical doctor here to monitor him," Donna said, gesturing to Martha. "Ah, what the hell! Throw the body down on a gurney, strap him in and have a tickle with his tackle!"

"Donna!" the Doctor said, scandalized while Martha roared with laughter.

"Tickle with his tackle, I like that," Rose said in a husky voice.

She started moving her hand down to his crotch and Donna bit his lip when she watched the Doctor try to swat it away.

"Doctor, don't fight me, you know you want this," Rose purred.

Suddenly, the Doctor sprinted around her and raced out of the room as the women giggled hysterically.

"Should we end the joke there?" Rose said to her friends.

"Nah, let's keep it going for a bit," Donna said. "I have an idea actually. Follow me, girls, this will be fun!"


End file.
